Selection

It was my turn as Prime Minister this week.
I was woken up by the whips and given the ceremonial hi-viz and hard hat
then driven straight to Downing Street to give a speech to the assorted Westminster hacks.
I said some nonsense about being here to serve all the people all the time
before adding “All the real people!” with a cheeky wink to the guy from GB News.
His thumbs up meant the world to me.
Once I got inside I turned the heating right up, left all the taps running
and ate every Viennetta in the freezer.
“Bill that to the taxpayer!” I chuckled to some weary civil servant
As I put the hard hat on his head, handed him the hi-viz jacket
and went next door to see who the chancellor was.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on 20th October, 2022
2. In some weak attempt to be Tim Key

Tales From The Town #79: Beneath The Witch’s Hat

These were just some of the things the dolls had seen the witch pull from beneath her hat as she went about her work, or so they said.

1. Needle. 2. Thread. 3. Wool. 4. Twine. 5. Yarn. 6. Wire. 7. Ligament. 8. Vein. 9. Small patch of cloth. 10. Small patch of leather. 11. Small tuft of hair. 12. Handheld catapult. 13. Model trebuchet. 14. Glass eye (several). 15. Pebbles (various). 16. Marbles (bag of). 17. Earth (handful). 18. Potted plant (japonica). 19. Potted plant (rose, with thorns). 20. Potted plant (assortment of cacti). 21. Potted plant (bonsai). 22. Small hat. 23. Large hat. 24. Medium hat. 25. Clockwork brain. 26. Clockwork heart/lungs. 27. Clockwork Bagpuss. 28. Cloth Bagpuss. 29. Flesh Bagpuss. 30. Newts. 31. Fungal spores. 32. Epoxy resin. 33. Gloy 33. That glue that smells like fish. 34. Doll’s leg (left). 35. Doll’s arm (reversible). 36. Butterfly swarm (as distraction). 37. Night. 38. Telescope. 39. Reading glasses. 39. Writing glasses. 40. Microscope. 41. Electron (singular). 42. Proton (en masse). 43. Molecular model (for illustrative purposes). 44. Skull (mouse). 45. Skull (deer). 46. Skull (own). 47. Skull (other). 48. 17 inch metal spike. 49. 11 inch metal spike. 50. 7 inch wooden spike. 51. Chopstick (wooden). 52. Another chopstick (porcelain). 53. Third chopstick (superfluous). 54. Fluff. 55. Lint. 56. Dust. 57. Shoebox (filled with playing cards). 58. Shoebox (filled with teeth). 59. Shoebox (spiders). 60. Shoebox (misc. other items). 61. Toothbrush. 62. Paint (yellow). 63. Paint (white). 62. Hairbrush. 63. Unidentified herbs . 64. Sausage wrapped in bandages. 65. Bread. 66. Photo of the house. 67. Photo of photo of the house. 68. Well water (bucket of). 69. Eel. 70. Heron. 71. Stopwatch. 72. Polaroid camera. 73. Reading monocle. 74. Writing monocle. 75. 1:5000 scale model of town. 76. The mayor. 77. Conker (on string). 78. Acorn (on string). 79. Walnut (no attachments). 80. Rest of Walnut Whirl. 81. Calipers. 82. Bell jar of unidentified eggs in viscous fluid. 83. Salt. 84. False teeth. 85. Actual lips. 86. Tongue (with working papillae). 87. Napkin. 88. An entire doll. 89. List containing items pulled from beneath the witch’s hat already containing its own entry right there on the page, as well as several subsequent items. 90-99. Several subsequent items.

LIST ENDS

__________

Notes:

1. Written on April 4th, 2022

Tales From The Town #78: In The Woods In The Early Autumn

1. The witch only celebrated palindromic birthdays. 101 was her favourite so far. She didn’t consider the single digit years to truly count. Even the two digit ones seemed a little suspect, but she forgave them simply because otherwise she’d have had none before today.

2. An exodus of dolls at dawn. Crawling, walking, tottering, skittering. Past the cherry tree and the swing and the well and the hollow and the copse and the abandoned boat.

3. Not for the witch a present given. Instead, from her a promise extracted. Cackles of glee, watched by eyes wide in terror.

4. Up above, the crows circled above the hill like vultures. In the trees all around squirrels whispered secrets to each other like sentient social media accounts. And down below, cats patrolled the woods like, well, cats. Anything that moved was pounced upon with the utmost glee. Prisoners subsequently released purely so they could be caught again, tormented some more.

5. On their return, the children couldn’t help but notice the way the doll’s dresses were covered in jam, the way their lips were smeared with icing, crumbs speckling their hair like dirt. No amount of questions would make the dolls admit where it was they had been, nor what it was they had done, why it was their eyes were tinged with so much shame.

6. All they would say was that it was done now. There was no turning back.

7. “What does that even mean?!” Claire said loudly.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on May 17th and 18th, 2022, and also a little bit extra on October 7th, 2022

Female Kill Machine 2

Female Kill Machine 2 is the lightning-paced absurdist quantum explosion of ever-escalating cyberpunk insanity and hyperviolence sequel to the lightning-paced absurdist quantum explosion of ever-escalating cyberpunk insanity and hyperviolence original (Female Kill Machine 1).

“Time moves at the speed of thought. So while the short few months since the astonishing culmination of María and María’s last adventure lasted exactly that for the rest of the world, they were the equivalent of millennia in the minds of the two Female Kill Machines. Yet for the remaining decillionaires of this world and beyond, it was like the complete and utter annihilation of Xandy Mandelbrot had only happened mere hours before. And now they wanted their explosive neverending revenge.”

Female Kill Machine 2 is available to buy and read for £0 (or more) at Ko-Fi, Amazon and Patreon right now, and features upwards of 27,000 words of Absurdo astonishments.

__________

Notes:

1. Female Kill Machine 2 was written between July and September, 2022
2. Female Kill Machine 1 is available here.
3. If you haven’t read that yet.
4. You should because it’s good.