Tales From The Town #141: Christmas Eve Eve

Father Christmas, an angel, a reindeer, and Claire were sat at the kitchen table.

“Who wants christmas pudding?” Agnes asked.

“No thanks, Mum,” said Father Christmas.

“Not for me,” said the angel.

“Blurgh!” said the reindeer. “Christmas pudding is disgusting!

“Yes, please,” said Claire eagerly. “I would love some christmas pudding please Mum.”

“But you don’t even like christmas pudding,” said Father Christmas.

“No one likes christmas pudding,” said the angel.

“Christmas pudding is made from mud,” said the reindeer. “And worms!

“So?” Claire said, shrugging her shoulders and smiling in a faintly unsettling way. There was nothing more frightening than a happy Claire.

“And who wants custard?” asked Agnes’s mum.

“No thanks, Nanny,” said Father Christmas.

“Not for me,” said the angel.

“BLURGH!” said the reindeer, shaking his head and closing his eyes and miming throwing up. “Custard is disgusting times ten. And a half!

“Yes please, nanny,” said Claire, with a grin as wide as several wolves’s smiles put together all at once.

“But you dont even like custard,” said Father Christmas. “You’re always saying how much you hate it.”

“We all hate it,” said the angel. “Every one hates it.”

“Because it’s yellow,” said the reindeer. “Yellow foods are the worst!”

“What about ice cream?” Claire said.

“Ice cream doesn’t count because it’s cold,” said the reindeer.

“What about cold custard?” said Claire.

The reindeer shook his head and looked a bit ill.

“Anyway shut up I can eat what I want,” said Claire, as her Mum put down a bowl of christmas pudding and custard in front of her. “Even custard!”

“Be careful Claire, it’s hot,” Agnes said. “I don’t want you burning your mouth again.”

“And do you want anything to go on your custard, Claire?’ Nanny asked.

“Can I have some chocolate spread?” Claire said. “And a spoon.”

“What size spoon?” Agnes asked, as she retrieved the chocolate spread from its hiding place in the cupboard under the sink that would now have to be changed because Claire had seen exactly where it was being kept.

“A big one,” Claire said.

“For Claire’s big mouth,” said the angel.

“Don’t upset your sister,” Agnes said, as she put the chocolate spread and a collection of spoons on the table in front of Claire. “Not while Nanny’s here. We all promised to be nice for Christmas, remember?”

“She couldn’t upset me if she tried,” Claire said. “I’m too grown up to get upset any more.”

She reached forward and very carefully selected a spoon. It was a spoon so big she didn’t evem know what it was called. There were teaspoons, and tablespoons, and dessert spoons, and soup spoons, but this was way beyond any of those. This was a spoon so big Claire couldn’t help but hold it up and admire it.

“Are you going to eat any of that?” Father Christmas asked.

“Or are you just going to stare at your stupid big head in that stupid big spoon all day?” the angel asked.

“BLURGH BLURGH BLURGH BLURGH BLURGH” the reindeer said, before explaining that custard was 90% vomit and 10% sick and if you ate it you’d become 90% vomit and 10% sick yourself. Forever.

Claire ignored all this. She simply smiled, turned round to check that Agnes and Agnes’s mum weren’t looking, then quickly stuck her huge spoon in the chocolate spread, scooped out half the jar, ate it in one delicious mouthful, then dumped the spoon in the custard to hide any evidence of her crimes.

“Finished!” Claire said, looking so pleased with herself it was kind of surprising she hadn’t turned into a cat.

“But you haven’t eaten any on it,” Agnes said, as Claire marched triumphantly out of the room. “What a waste.”

“I’ll have it!” Father Christmas, the angel and the reindeer all said at once, together, searching through the spoons to see if there were any more of the really big ones.

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Notes:

1. Written on December 2nd, 2023

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Tales From The Town #140: A Cast Of Christmas Creatures

Cats

Asleep by the fire, they purred and purred. No one knew where the second one had come from, or where it would go to once the flames turned to smoke.

Crabs

They emerged from Antoine’s cave, their claws wrapped in tinsel, Christmas cheer curiously absent from their crustaceous minds. It would be cruel if it wasn’t surprisingly cute.

Dogs

The indignity of Christmas jumpers outweighed by the unexplained proliferation of treats. They horde their bones and know not why.

Robins

Belligerent little bastards given infinite leeway due to their beauty.

Whale

The whale cares not for Christmas. It dreams of summer, and the stars.

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Notes

1. Written on December 16th, 2023

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Tales From The Town #138: Advent

It was only the 2nd of December and already every promise had been broken, every door opened, every chocolate eaten…

Recriminations, but no regrets.

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Notes:

1. Written on November 13th, 2023

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A Tale of King Arthur’s Court

The King called for a feast, for it was Christmas, and so every single bird and every single beast of the country was caught and killed and brought to the kitchens of Camelot to be roasted in the marrow of its own bones. Every fruit from every tree and every root from every bush that wasn’t deadly poisonous in its own right was brewed up and fermented and distilled until it was as intoxicating as a single glance from Queen Guinevere herself. And twelve days of merriment was enjoyed by all who had earned their place around the table.

At the end of the feast, and the beginning of the new year, the Knights set forth for distant lands in search of supplies for next year’s gathering. By Merlin’s estimates there were ten feasts until they brought about the end of the world and the death of all things. Lancelot claimed he could get that down to eight if he tried, and everyone laughed and clapped him on the back, as he drank one last pitcher of sweetly rotting mead before climbing up onto his horse and setting out into the mist of the early morn.

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Notes:

1. Written on the 20th October, 2022

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Tales From The Town #92: Tasting Menu (Courses 1-4)

1.

“What’s that?”
“It looks like some slugs.”
Dead slugs.”
“It’s liquorice. It’s nice.”
“Urgh! It’s not nice, Nanny!”
“It’s not nice at all.”
“It tastes like slugs.”
Live slugs.”

2.

“This stuff tastes like flowers!”
“And perfume.”
“And shampoo.”
“And eyeballs.”
“Eyeballs?”
Eyeballs.
“I don’t think it tastes like eyeballs at all.”
“I don’t even know what eyeballs taste like.”
“Well then how do you know it doesn’t taste like eyeballs, Nanny?”
“How do you know it does taste like eyeballs?”
Everyone knows what eyeballs tastes like.”
“I was a crow once. That’s how I know what eyeballs taste like.”
“You were never a crow, Daniel.”
“I was! I flew into a cloud and thunder came out.”
“Daniel was never a crow, Nanny.”
“He’s making it up to impress you.”
“Well, I certainly am impressed, Daniel. So, who wants another piece of Turkish Delight?”
“No.”
“No.”
“Definitely NO!”
“Yes.”
“He doesn’t, Nanny.”
“I do.”
“You don’t, Daniel.”
“You definitely don’t.”
“That’s how they get you, Daniel.”
“You’ll never escape!”

3.

“What is this?!”
“It tastes like ice cream!”
“But it looks like lemonade!”
“It’s cream soda.”
“Cream spider more like.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
You don’t make any sense!”
“I do!”
“You don’t!”

(repeat to fade)

4.

“You never ate these, Nanny.”
“We can’t believe anyone EVER ate these.”
“They’re not even food.”
“They’re weetabix, Nanny!”
“With butter on them!”
“And no milk!”
“I’m not finished yet. Look, next you sprinkle sugar on the butter like this…”
“Nanny, this is disgusting!”
“If Mum finds out you’re feeding us this she’s going to send you back to the moon!”
“Well, actually, this used to be your mother’s favourite, back when she was your age.”
“It wasn’t?!”
“It was.”
“Not Mum?!
“She would NEVER.”
“Mum only eats spaghetti bolognese.”
“And cheese on toast.”
“And christmas cake and wine.”
“But not this.”
“Never this.”
“Dad was sent to the caves for less than this.”
“The lodger went to prison for less than this.”
“The witch was banished to hell for less than this!”

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Notes:

1. Written on 27th May, 2022

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