Tales From The Town #174: Facts About… The First Of June

Panel 1: Facts About… The First Of June (all caps, with a drop shadow and a triple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!” written in a jaunty font that closely resembles comic sans but isn’t actually comic sans for licensing reasons)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s face – “June the 1st?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s face – “June the worst more like!”

Notes: If you would like to publish Facts About… With Claire! on your own website or in your school newspaper please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire

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Notes:

1. Written on June 1st, 2024

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Doctor Who And The Nature Of Fear (Series 34 Episode 4)

Clara is in her flat. She goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind her. Suddenly Doctor Who pops out from behind the shower curtain

Doctor Who: Clara, are you alone?

Clara: I was!

Doctor Who: And yet look…

Doctor Who points at the bathroom door.

Clara: It’s… a door?

Doctor Who: And? And?

Clara: And… What, exactly, am I supposed to be looking at, Doctor?

Doctor Who: If someone believes they’re truly alone in the house, why would they lock the bathroom door behind them.

Clara: Habit?

Doctor Who: What if they don’t believe they’re truly alone at all?

Clara: No, I’m definitely sure it’s just out of habit.

Cut to: Doctor Who and Clara are in the TARDIS control room. Doctor Who is pressing buttons and pulling levers on the control panel.

Doctor Who: What’s the first thing you see when you sit down on the toilet? The door! And what do doors do? They open! And when are we at our most vulnerable? When we’re on the toilet. Now imagine if outside every bathroom door there is a monster that wants to eat you. If you didn’t lock that door, it’d kick it open and catch you with your trousers down and you’d have no chance to fight back.

Clara: And that’s why we lock the bathroom door? Because they’re are monsters in our house that only come out when no-one else is around and you’re sitting on the toilet on your own?

Doctor Who: Exactly.

Clara: Doctor, do you think that maybe you’re the monster? I mean, it was you that appeared in my bathroom.

Doctor Who: Don’t be absurd. It’s the most common fear in the world, imagining someone bursting in on you while you’re sat there. It’s terrifying.

Clara: Anyway, Doctor, can you stop somewhere right now because I really really need the toilet.

Doctor Who: We can’t stop now. I don’t know where we are.

Clara: I really don’t care.

Clara reaches across the control panel and pulls on a swanee whistle, causing the TARDIS to dematerialise instantly.

Doctor Who: Clara what have you done? That’s the emergency toilet stop. We could be near any public convenience in the entire universe.

Clara: Sorry, Doctor. I’ll just be a mo.

Clara runs out of the TARDIS into a row of shabby looking toilet cubicles. She kicks the nearest one open. It flies open, hitting a schoolboy who was sat there on the head and knocking him out. As he slumps back he drops a marker pen on the floor.

Clara: Oh my, I’m so sorry.

Clara moves to the next cubicle, finds it empty, and shuts the door.

The camera switches to a viewpoint just behind the slumped form of the boy. As the toilet in the next cubicle flushes he begins to wake. We hear the TARDIS huff its way back into space, and as the boy leaves the door swings back shut and we see that the graffiti he was writing on the wall says:

WHO WOZ ERE
ERE WHO WOZ
WOZ WHO ERE?
YES WHO WOZ

Then we see a sign saying GALLIFREY SCHOOL FOR BOYS above the exit. Also we see that the marker pen was actually a sonic screwdriver. And then text whooshes in to the screen saying THE BOY WAS DOCTOR WHO, followed almost instantly by NEXT WEEK and a picture of a Dalek emerging from a toilet cubicle.

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Notes:

1. I wrote this in 2014
2. Presumably after watching this episode of Doctor Who.
3. Very old satire is the best kind of satire.
4. Anyway, I dont know why this wasn’t already on here but it is now.

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Tales From The Town #134: The Scream (A Halloween Found Footage Special)

Scene 1: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

*****

Agnes: What’s wrong? Are you okay in there, Claire?

Claire: Of course I’m okay, Mum!

Agnes: Oh. Well what are you making all that dreadful noise for then?

Claire: It’s fun!

*****

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

Scene 2: Kitchen/Dining Room

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

******

Tina: Mum! What’s that noise?!

Ethel: Someone’s screaming, Mum!

Agnes: Oh don’t worry about that. It’s just Claire.

Daniel: But Claire’s right there, Mum.

The camera turns to show Claire at the kitchen table, eating some cornflakes.

Agnes: Oh…

******

“Scraaaaaaaaaaeeee!”

Scene 3: Kitchen/Dining Room (part 2)

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

******

Daniel: I’m scared Mum!

Ethel: So am I

Tina: And me, Mum!

Agnes: We’re all scared, Tina.

Claire: I’m not scared, Mum! I’m…. DEAD!

Claire removes her head and puts it on the table next to her bowl of cornflakes, before awkwardly spooning more mouthfuls into her somehow still working gob.

Agnes: Okay, we’re all scared except for Claire.

******

“Scraaaaaaaaaaeeee!”

Scene 4: Kitchen/Dining Room

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

******

Tina: It’s getting closer!

Daniel: It’s going to eat us!

Agnes: It is not going to eat us, Daniel.

Ethel: It might!

Daniel: It will!

Agnes: It won’t!

Claire: Yeah, what if it drinks us!

Agnes: Claire! Stop that!

Claire: But what if it does!

Agnes: And put your head back on. It’s disconcerting like this.

Claire: But Mum….

******

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

Scene 5: Kitchen/Dining Room

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

******

Ethel: If Claire’s not scared, we should send HER out to see what’s making that noise.

Tina: Especially as she’s already dead.

Claire: I’m not going anywhere. I haven’t even finished my cornflakes yet.

Daniel: And she’s not dead. She’s undead.

Claire: That just means the same as dead, Daniel. And I am still not going out there.

Ethel: Claire’s even more scared than we are.

Claire: Am not!

Ethel: Am ARE!!

Agnes: Look, there’s no need to argue. Claire’s not scared.

Claire: At all.

Agnes: And no one’s going to go and see what’s making that noise.

Claire: EVER!

Ethel: See? Claire’s totally scared!

Claire: I am not! There’s no such thing as ghosts so there’s no need to go out there, that’s all. And I’m eating my cornflakes so there.

Agnes: And you’re all going to finish your cornflakes, too.

Ethel: But Mum….!

Claire: Yeah, Ethel, eat up. These might be the last cornflakes you ever eat.

Ethel/Tina/Daniel/Agnes: Shut up, Claire.

******

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”

Scene 6: Kitchen/Dining Room

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaae!”

*******

Tina: It’s so loud!

Ethel: It’s so horrifying!

Daniel: It sounds just like Claire!

Agnes: But Claire’s there.

Claire: I am, aren’t I?

Agnes: So it can’t be Claire

Daniel: Unless there’s two Claires!

Ethel: Or four!

Tina: Or even more!

***********

“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaae!”

Scene 7: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom

“Scraaaaaaaaa-”

**********

Agnes (emerging from the bedroom holding an old fashioned looking tape player from the 1980s): Don’t worry everyone. It wasn’t more Claires. It was just a recording of Claire.

Tina/Daniel/Ethel: CLAIRE!

Claire: I can’t believe you idiots thought it was a ghost! You’re all stupid and I hate you!

Claire stomps off into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her

Agnes: Well, at least that’s all over with. (pause) Wait, why’s she the one annoyed by all this?

Tina: And how did she do that thing with her head?

Daniel: And why was she eating cornflakes? On Halloween?

Ethel (pointing): And what’s that Claire doing scuttling along the ceiling like some sort of crab?

The camera pans up. Everything is a torment of scuttling movement

SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAE!

(EVERYTHING EXPLODES)

END CREDITS

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Notes:

1. Written in October 2023

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Play For Park Bench

Person A is sitting on the bench (location at your discretion). Person B approaches and sits on the other end of the bench.

A: You can’t sit there.
B: I can. I will.
A: You can’t. You won’t.
B: I will. I am.
A: No!
B: Yes!
A: No!

B stands up then forcefully sits down again.

B: Yes!
A: I am not going to sit here and put up with this.

A gets up and leaves. B remains sitting on the bench for some time. Eventually, A returns and sits back down on the bench.

B: You can’t sit there.
A: I can. I will.
B: You can’t. You won’t.
A: I will. I am.
B: No!
A: Yes!
B: No!

A stands up then forcefully sits down again.

A: Yes!
B: I am not going to sit here and put up with this.

B gets up and leaves. A remains sitting on the bench for some time.

Repeat until dusk.

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Notes:

1. Written on October 13th, 2022
2. An homage to Daniil Kharms

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


from the archives of Essex Terror: Tales From Dimension Essex: The Movie

[Notes: One of the last few dregs from the Essex terror glass, this is a reprint of a transcript of a trailer for a film that never existed (from late 2014).]

***

Tales From Dimension Essex: The Movie

Title card: Tales From Dimension Essex!

Music: The Theme From Tales From Dimension Essex plays

Narrator: Welcome to Tales From DIMENSION ESSEX! A world unlike any you have ever known. But first, a message of warning from our Producer.

The Theme From Tales From Dimension Essex fades out.

The Producer is a fat bald man in an ill-fitting suit. The only way you can tell he is not Alfred Hitchcock is that he has a beard, and also is a coarsely spoken Essex barbarian of some description.

The Producer is standing in a nicely decorated middle class living room. Directly behind him is a window and outside we can see a beautiful view of fields and trees. The Producer speaks directly to the camera, as if he is talking to us, the viewer, personally.

The Producer: Hi, I’m David N. Guy, writer, director, producer and proprietor of Tales From Dimension Essex. Here at Tales From Dimension Essex we take our responsibilities very seriously. We know we make programmes that contain some of the most shocking, gruesome and downright terrifying scenes any human will ever see, and as such we’re aware that there will be a significant proportion of any potential audience who will be unable to cope with such demented visions of inhumanity and insanity.

The Producer: Usually as these are broadcast only as radio plays, we expect that those that would be offended or sickened likely lack the imaginative capabilities to turn our words into truly disturbing images within the mind. But as we have managed, for the first time ever, to bring our tales of gibbering unease to the screen, we now bear the responsibility of knowing that our visions will be imaginable by all.

The Producer: As a writer, I have to be true to my tales. I cannot water them down, or obscure the more unpalatable aspects of the story, just to adhere to notions of good taste or decency, especially considering how fluid those standards are. No, as a writer it is my duty to tell what must be told, in the manner that tells it best. If this is to contain untold gallons of viscera and the cacophonous screams of the innocent than so be it.

The Producer: But as a producer, I know that pleasing my audience is of the utmost importance. I want you to be scared, but only if you want to be scared. I don’t want to upset anyone, and I especially wouldn’t want to offend a single person. If shocking people was of any interest to me, I’d skulk around on the high street shouting at strangers. But I don’t. And I won’t.

The Producer: An offended customer is a failed customer. So, as this is the case, I would like to here outline the objectionable contents of the upcoming film. However, I understand and sympathise with those that find spoilers the most offensive possible thing of all. So as to be able to please both these groups, I will list the sickening happenings within this film in written rather than in spoken words. Therefore, those that do not want the film to be spoiled please close your eyes now and await further instructions. Those that wish to see whether this film may potentially upset them, please concentrate on the scrolling text that should begin appear at the bottom of your screen any second now.

The Producer falls silent, and a series of subtitles begin to be displayed across the bottom of the screen.

Subtitle: This film contains elements of the following:

Subtitle: Unease caused by a fear of the unknown

The Producer suddenly looks very scared.

Subtitle: Horror

The Producer starts backing away from the camera.

Subtitle: Terror

The Producer backs up against the wall and window at the back of the room. The camera starts to move slowly towards him.

Subtitle: Subtle manipulations of the psychology of the viewer, designed primarily to prey on the following aspects of the human psyche:

The Producer turns around, clearly panicked, and forces the window open as quickly as he can, nervously looking over his shoulder at the camera, which is getting closer by the second.

Subtitle: Such as a fleeting moment of relief designed purely to heighten the horror of what is to come.

The Producer gets the window open and climbs through, running across the field a bit before turning back to look at the window.

Subtitle: And then the dread

The camera reaches the window ledge, looks up and down slightly, and then passes through, into the world outside. The Producer looks mortified, and begins to stumble backwards

Subtitle: and a moment of near paralysing disbelief

The Producer continues to walk backwards, but more slowly, also peering forward slightly as if trying to get a really good look at the camera.

Subtitle: before an explosion of absolute heartbursting shock

The camera suddenly lunges forward towards The Producer, causing him to recoil in fear and fall backwards to the floor.

Subtitle: And a panicking weeping screaming pursuit

The Producer gets up and runs away. Sprinting away from the camera at an incredible pace for someone so fat. And bearded. The camera begins to follow after a moments delay.

Subtitle: through busy streets

The camera starts to catch up with The Producer. He turns sharply right and the camera follows and now they’re running across a road and down a residential street

Subtitle: amid the blank unconcern of the local populace

The people stop and stare at The Producer as he runs. They seem oblivious to whatever is behind the camera.

Subtitle: who couldn’t care less about your well-being

The Producer runs into a crowd of people, who start to part around him. And into the gap they leave the camera follows.

Subtitle: Through the woods

As The Producer passes beyond the people they are suddenly into the woods. The Producer ducks under a low branch, forces his way through thick undergrowth

Subtitle: and into the caves

And is suddenly into a cave. Rock walls taper inwards as he passes further into them, threatening to squeeze him tight enough he gets wedged and stuck.

Subtitle: and the dark

The Producer is having to run sideways now, panicking, looking back at the camera forcing himself through. The screen gets darker and darker

Subtitle: the endless dark

Until it is pitch black. From his huffing and puffing and the thudding of his footsteps we can tell he is still fleeing.

Subtitle: before finally entering the light

Up ahead there’s a sudden point of light that grows and grows and he steps into the blinding whiteness

Subtitle: And beyond

And tumbles out into the daylit void, followed by the camera as they fall and fall

Subtitle: And a final sudden moment of such shocking sickening violence

The Producer’s body smashes violently into the rocks below with a sickening thud, blood bursting everywhere. And then the camera lands and falls onto its side in a crack in the rocks just below The Producer and watches him there, the image rotated now at a weird angle, looking up at his shattered face.

Subtitle: it makes you wish you’d stayed at home

Blood dripping down onto the camera until the entire screen is red. There are several minutes of silence, and then the screen slowly fades to black. As it does so a final subtitle is displayed.

Subtitle: But then you remember where this all began

Eventually, the lights in the cinema come up, the curtains begin to close.

Narrator: You can open your eyes now. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Please leave the theatre as quickly and as quietly as possible. Goodnight.

Subtitle (projected onto cinema curtains): THE END

__________

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