Scene 1: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom
Agnes: What’s wrong? Are you okay in there, Claire?
Claire: Of course I’m okay, Mum!
Agnes: Oh. Well what are you making all that dreadful noise for then?
Claire: It’s fun!
Scene 2: Kitchen/Dining Room
Tina: Mum! What’s that noise?!
Ethel: Someone’s screaming, Mum!
Agnes: Oh don’t worry about that. It’s just Claire.
Daniel: But Claire’s right there, Mum.
The camera turns to show Claire at the kitchen table, eating some cornflakes.
Scene 3: Kitchen/Dining Room (part 2)
Daniel: I’m scared Mum!
Ethel: So am I
Tina: And me, Mum!
Agnes: We’re all scared, Tina.
Claire: I’m not scared, Mum! I’m…. DEAD!
Claire removes her head and puts it on the table next to her bowl of cornflakes, before awkwardly spooning more mouthfuls into her somehow still working gob.
Agnes: Okay, we’re all scared except for Claire.
Scene 4: Kitchen/Dining Room
Tina: It’s getting closer!
Daniel: It’s going to eat us!
Agnes: It is not going to eat us, Daniel.
Ethel: It might!
Daniel: It will!
Agnes: It won’t!
Claire: Yeah, what if it drinks us!
Agnes: Claire! Stop that!
Claire: But what if it does!
Agnes: And put your head back on. It’s disconcerting like this.
Claire: But Mum….
Scene 5: Kitchen/Dining Room
Ethel: If Claire’s not scared, we should send HER out to see what’s making that noise.
Tina: Especially as she’s already dead.
Claire: I’m not going anywhere. I haven’t even finished my cornflakes yet.
Daniel: And she’s not dead. She’s undead.
Claire: That just means the same as dead, Daniel. And I am still not going out there.
Ethel: Claire’s even more scared than we are.
Claire: Am not!
Ethel: Am ARE!!
Agnes: Look, there’s no need to argue. Claire’s not scared.
Claire: At all.
Agnes: And no one’s going to go and see what’s making that noise.
Ethel: See? Claire’s totally scared!
Claire: I am not! There’s no such thing as ghosts so there’s no need to go out there, that’s all. And I’m eating my cornflakes so there.
Agnes: And you’re all going to finish your cornflakes, too.
Ethel: But Mum….!
Claire: Yeah, Ethel, eat up. These might be the last cornflakes you ever eat.
Ethel/Tina/Daniel/Agnes: Shut up, Claire.
Scene 6: Kitchen/Dining Room
Tina: It’s so loud!
Ethel: It’s so horrifying!
Daniel: It sounds just like Claire!
Agnes: But Claire’s there.
Claire: I am, aren’t I?
Agnes: So it can’t be Claire
Daniel: Unless there’s two Claires!
Ethel: Or four!
Tina: Or even more!
Scene 7: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom
Agnes (emerging from the bedroom holding an old fashioned looking tape player from the 1980s): Don’t worry everyone. It wasn’t more Claires. It was just a recording of Claire.
Claire: I can’t believe you idiots thought it was a ghost! You’re all stupid and I hate you!
Claire stomps off into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her
Agnes: Well, at least that’s all over with. (pause) Wait, why’s she the one annoyed by all this?
Tina: And how did she do that thing with her head?
Daniel: And why was she eating cornflakes? On Halloween?
Ethel (pointing): And what’s that Claire doing scuttling along the ceiling like some sort of crab?
The camera pans up. Everything is a torment of scuttling movement
1. Written in October 2023__________patreon or my ko-fi. Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more). Thank you!