[Notes: One of the last few dregs from the Essex terror glass, this is a reprint of a transcript of a trailer for a film that never existed (from late 2014).]
Tales From Dimension Essex: The Movie
Title card: Tales From Dimension Essex!
Music: The Theme From Tales From Dimension Essex plays
Narrator: Welcome to Tales From DIMENSION ESSEX! A world unlike any you have ever known. But first, a message of warning from our Producer.
The Theme From Tales From Dimension Essex fades out.
The Producer is a fat bald man in an ill-fitting suit. The only way you can tell he is not Alfred Hitchcock is that he has a beard, and also is a coarsely spoken Essex barbarian of some description.
The Producer is standing in a nicely decorated middle class living room. Directly behind him is a window and outside we can see a beautiful view of fields and trees. The Producer speaks directly to the camera, as if he is talking to us, the viewer, personally.
The Producer: Hi, I’m David N. Guy, writer, director, producer and proprietor of Tales From Dimension Essex. Here at Tales From Dimension Essex we take our responsibilities very seriously. We know we make programmes that contain some of the most shocking, gruesome and downright terrifying scenes any human will ever see, and as such we’re aware that there will be a significant proportion of any potential audience who will be unable to cope with such demented visions of inhumanity and insanity.
The Producer: Usually as these are broadcast only as radio plays, we expect that those that would be offended or sickened likely lack the imaginative capabilities to turn our words into truly disturbing images within the mind. But as we have managed, for the first time ever, to bring our tales of gibbering unease to the screen, we now bear the responsibility of knowing that our visions will be imaginable by all.
The Producer: As a writer, I have to be true to my tales. I cannot water them down, or obscure the more unpalatable aspects of the story, just to adhere to notions of good taste or decency, especially considering how fluid those standards are. No, as a writer it is my duty to tell what must be told, in the manner that tells it best. If this is to contain untold gallons of viscera and the cacophonous screams of the innocent than so be it.
The Producer: But as a producer, I know that pleasing my audience is of the utmost importance. I want you to be scared, but only if you want to be scared. I don’t want to upset anyone, and I especially wouldn’t want to offend a single person. If shocking people was of any interest to me, I’d skulk around on the high street shouting at strangers. But I don’t. And I won’t.
The Producer: An offended customer is a failed customer. So, as this is the case, I would like to here outline the objectionable contents of the upcoming film. However, I understand and sympathise with those that find spoilers the most offensive possible thing of all. So as to be able to please both these groups, I will list the sickening happenings within this film in written rather than in spoken words. Therefore, those that do not want the film to be spoiled please close your eyes now and await further instructions. Those that wish to see whether this film may potentially upset them, please concentrate on the scrolling text that should begin appear at the bottom of your screen any second now.
The Producer falls silent, and a series of subtitles begin to be displayed across the bottom of the screen.
Subtitle: This film contains elements of the following:
Subtitle: Unease caused by a fear of the unknown
The Producer suddenly looks very scared.
The Producer starts backing away from the camera.
The Producer backs up against the wall and window at the back of the room. The camera starts to move slowly towards him.
Subtitle: Subtle manipulations of the psychology of the viewer, designed primarily to prey on the following aspects of the human psyche:
The Producer turns around, clearly panicked, and forces the window open as quickly as he can, nervously looking over his shoulder at the camera, which is getting closer by the second.
Subtitle: Such as a fleeting moment of relief designed purely to heighten the horror of what is to come.
The Producer gets the window open and climbs through, running across the field a bit before turning back to look at the window.
Subtitle: And then the dread
The camera reaches the window ledge, looks up and down slightly, and then passes through, into the world outside. The Producer looks mortified, and begins to stumble backwards
Subtitle: and a moment of near paralysing disbelief
The Producer continues to walk backwards, but more slowly, also peering forward slightly as if trying to get a really good look at the camera.
Subtitle: before an explosion of absolute heartbursting shock
The camera suddenly lunges forward towards The Producer, causing him to recoil in fear and fall backwards to the floor.
Subtitle: And a panicking weeping screaming pursuit
The Producer gets up and runs away. Sprinting away from the camera at an incredible pace for someone so fat. And bearded. The camera begins to follow after a moments delay.
Subtitle: through busy streets
The camera starts to catch up with The Producer. He turns sharply right and the camera follows and now they’re running across a road and down a residential street
Subtitle: amid the blank unconcern of the local populace
The people stop and stare at The Producer as he runs. They seem oblivious to whatever is behind the camera.
Subtitle: who couldn’t care less about your well-being
The Producer runs into a crowd of people, who start to part around him. And into the gap they leave the camera follows.
Subtitle: Through the woods
As The Producer passes beyond the people they are suddenly into the woods. The Producer ducks under a low branch, forces his way through thick undergrowth
Subtitle: and into the caves
And is suddenly into a cave. Rock walls taper inwards as he passes further into them, threatening to squeeze him tight enough he gets wedged and stuck.
Subtitle: and the dark
The Producer is having to run sideways now, panicking, looking back at the camera forcing himself through. The screen gets darker and darker
Subtitle: the endless dark
Until it is pitch black. From his huffing and puffing and the thudding of his footsteps we can tell he is still fleeing.
Subtitle: before finally entering the light
Up ahead there’s a sudden point of light that grows and grows and he steps into the blinding whiteness
Subtitle: And beyond
And tumbles out into the daylit void, followed by the camera as they fall and fall
Subtitle: And a final sudden moment of such shocking sickening violence
The Producer’s body smashes violently into the rocks below with a sickening thud, blood bursting everywhere. And then the camera lands and falls onto its side in a crack in the rocks just below The Producer and watches him there, the image rotated now at a weird angle, looking up at his shattered face.
Subtitle: it makes you wish you’d stayed at home
Blood dripping down onto the camera until the entire screen is red. There are several minutes of silence, and then the screen slowly fades to black. As it does so a final subtitle is displayed.
Subtitle: But then you remember where this all began
Eventually, the lights in the cinema come up, the curtains begin to close.
Narrator: You can open your eyes now. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Please leave the theatre as quickly and as quietly as possible. Goodnight.
Subtitle (projected onto cinema curtains): THE END__________patreon. Subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real. Thank you.