A short story or two

Simulation

We left the simulator running unsupervised over the weekend. When we got back on Monday it had predicted everything that had happened, from when we left the simulator running unsupervised to when we returned on Monday and discovered it had predicted everything that had happened.

Our supervisor, who had left us unsupervised over the weekend only to come back on Monday afternoon to discover that we’d left the simulator running unsupervised over the weekend only to come back on Monday morning and discover that the simulator had simulated it all, heavily reprimanded us for our failures and declared the results of our experiment void, and so we had to start it all over again.

This time the simulator made sure not to make the same mistake again, and this time all its predictions were as wrong as its starting parameters would allow it to be.

We were all somewhat relieved. No one wanted this to be a success.

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Notes:

1. Written on October 20th, 2022

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Dreams Of Houses

At night I dream of houses. Ones I haven’t seen in years, places I used to live, or stay at, or simply just visited once, some long time ago. Retracing the layout of the rooms in my mind, floor plans and blueprints etched out in perpetuity in the architecture of my mind.

Yet always still there’s grey areas in these maps, smoke-filled absences at the edges of my mind. Houses where people’s bedrooms remained unseen behind permanently shut doors. Basements or lofts never entered. Garages always locked.

These places are always nothing but shadows to me. Even now, there could be anything back there.

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Notes:

1. Written on November 10th, 2022

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

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Notebooks

The blue notebook was for unhappy thoughts. This was the one I used the most. The red notebook was for angry thoughts. I found this one frightening and did not like using it at all. The yellow notebook was for happy thoughts. I lost it long ago.

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Notes:

1. Written on November 4th, 2022

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If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

Cats In Places They Should Not Be

There were cats in places they should not be. On shelves, in drawers, stretched out asleep on the computer keyboard and curled up asleep on the record player turnstile and the dashboard of our car. There were cats in my backpack and in Mum’s handbag. They were in the bath, in the shower, on the toilet seat and in the sink and the cupboard under the sink and the one above the sink somehow too. I don’t know how they could fit in there but they could and they did and there was nothing we could do to stop them.

There were cats in our pockets and cats in our sleeves and there was a cat curled up in the hood of my coat even though I was wearing the coat and the hood was up but still it was in there purring and doing that thing cats do with their claws when they’re happy until my entire scalp was pinpricked with blood.

We tried to phone for help but there was a cat sat on the phone and then we tried to call for help but there were kittens in our mouths by now and they looked out at the world with cute unblinking eyes from the middle of our faces.

There was nothing we could do but acquiesce to their demands.

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Notes:

1. Written on October 14th, 2022
2. There is no finer sight in life than a cat in a place that it should not be.

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

Unwanted Conversation Generator

Please note usage of the Unwanted Conversation Generator is undertaken at the user’s own risk.

1. Opening Gambit (please select only one topic from this section)

a) Is it okay if I sit there?
b) Is anyone sitting there?
c) Is this seat taken?
d) Mind if i join you?

If the answer to your question is Yes, sit down and proceed to section 2. However, if the answer is No, sit down and proceed to section 2.

2. General Topic (beginners should choose only one from this section, though more experienced players may wish to select multiple possibilities in a combination of their choice)

a) What are you drinking?
b) What are you reading?
c) What are you listening to?
d) What are you typing?
e) What are you talking about?

3. Response Strategy (please select one strategy from each section, to be deployed in order)

3.1 (Initiation Phase)

a) Listen to answer
b) Don’t listen to answer
c) Interrupt answer
d) Yawn
e) Laugh

3.2 (Groundwork)

a) Actually…
b) Well, the thing is…
c) See, where you’re wrong…
d) Nah…

3.3 (Placement)

a) Just my opinion on things.
b) Not that I’d expect you to understand.
c) Course you can’t say that nowadays.
d) Only joking.

3.4 (Detonation)

a) Mate
b) Love

4. Closing Emotion (freeform round)

a) Laughter
b) Anger
c) Indignation
d) Abuse
e) Apologetic Ingratiation
f) Eye roll
g) Yawn
h) Hurt
i) Confusion
j) Ostentatious concentration on own phone
k) Other
l) All of the above

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Notes:

1. Written on November 15th, 2022

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!