Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator

Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator is a one joke text adventure designed to simulate the experience of going to Ikea on a Saturday afternoon (other times of day and/or days of the week are available upon request).

Begin your Saturday afternoon Ikea trip simulation here

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Notes:

1. Made between October 30th and November 2nd, 2021
2. It’s made in TWINE, so should hopefully work in all and any browsers, but I cannot guarantee it.
3. I haven’t actually been to an Ikea in two years so it’s possible this is by now all horribly out of date.
4. I will hopefully never find out enough to know.
5. For more information about Ikea, please read this important piece of reportage, live from my 40th birthday

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(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


Horror Story Construction Kit

#1: Provocative Opening Paragraph With Nothing To Support It

As a child, they cut away my face.

This wasn’t done maliciously, but out of necessity: a necrotising infection was threatening to eat me away from within.

Yet still, as a child, they cut away my face, left only gristle and bone.

#2: An Attempt At Psychological Justification Of The Premise

I did not understand the reasons for it, did not appreciate the nuances of their decision. There was, from my view, simply a fever, delirium, darkness. Then confinement, confusion. Bandages, anaesthetics, salves, saline. Itchiness, discomfort, pain, boredom.

And finally, that inevitable revelation, that shock before the mirror, the face gone, my face, gone, replaced by this horror, this void, this grotesque mask that was not, I knew, a mask at all. Rather, it was the foundation on which the mask of myself had been built.

I turned away. I would not look.

#3: Finale Of Extended Outrages, For Which No Prior Justifications Will Suffice

[Forty five pages of faces being slowly and painfully removed by the protagonist in some sort of ironic vengeance or poetic revenge or karmic retribution, I don’t know, I can’t remember now. It doesn’t really matter.]

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Notes:

1. Written in September 2020

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


Tales From The Town #29: An Arrival

The bus stops at the edge of town. Two feet step down onto the cracked pavement. Black leather shoes as shiny tar. Look up, see the suit, the shirt, the hair, the smile. The eyes. The eyes. The camera lingers there for longer than it should. But you can’t blame it. You could lose yourself in those eyes, you really could.

Even when the shot cuts away, showing him in miniature against the immensity of the landscape and the grand sweep of the town, as he disappears into the greyness and the murk where we all live, it’s those eyes you remember, those eyes that remain.

A thousand silent movies bloom in your mind.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 12th, 2021

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


Tales From The Town #28: Literary Criticism

Transcript from the inaugural Sunday Afternoon Book Club

Organiser: Ethel
Curator: Daniel
Chair: Claire
Actually On The Chair: The Cat
Stenographer: Tina
Catering: Mum
Audience: The Dolls

Daniel (reading from notes): The book I chose for us to talk about is Hansel and Gretel. I like Hansel and Gretel because sometimes I wish our house was made out of cake and we could eat it. But we can’t. What do YOU think about Hansel and Gretel?

Claire: I think Hansel and Gretel are useless. Everything they do is stupid. They get lost in the woods. Twice! And then when they get locked up they don’t even think about eating their way out. Idiots. They deserved to be eaten.

Ethel: They didn’t get eaten. The witch got eaten. Hansel and Gretel baked her in the oven and the crows ate her.

Claire: That never happened.

Ethel: It did! But not in the book. It happened in my head.

Claire: Well that doesn’t count. Anything can happen in your head. That’s cheating.

Ethel: It is not cheating.

Claire: It is! Why did you even make us read this book if you were just going to imagine things?

Ethel: Anna goes to a book club.

Claire: That’s not an answer!

Ethel: I thought this would be fun.

Claire: Well, it’s not.

Claire sits down on the chair. The cat runs away. The Sunday Afternoon Book Club is soon after abandoned.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 11th, 2021
2. It’s officially winter now
3. In the town
4. If not in the world

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


all these things i make

all these things i make
that i think you’ll like
you don’t like
at all

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Notes:

1. Written on October 21st, 2021

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!