Author: dng

The Day The Queen Came Round For Tea

The queen came round to our house for tea once. She wasn’t invited, she just turned up. Apparently she has the right. She didn’t even take her shoes off in the porch, just shuffled right in without a care in the world. Mum was furious but she didn’t say a word. I think she was more upset because she knew that from now on whenever she told us to take our shoes off we’d just say, “But the queen never did,” and she was right, we did all say that, for years. Kids are awful, really. Kids are the worst.

There was some cake in the cupboard but the ants had got in there again so all Mum had for the queen was some of those pink wafer things you don’t seem to get anymore but you used to get back then. Not exactly a queenly gift, but well it was all we had. If she wanted better she should have phoned ahead really. Not that the queen seemed to notice. She didn’t even touch her tea, let alone the biscuits. Snooty bitch.

When dad got in from work we all told him about how the queen came round for tea but she was gone now and he’d missed her, and he was quite upset because apparently the queen doesn’t have the right after all and we’d all been taken for mugs. Mugs.

“And which of you little brats has been traipsing mud all through the hall…”

He was really quite irate. Stupid dad.

Anyway, the queen never came round for tea again, and dad got rid of the ants somehow. He wouldn’t tell us how. Then Mum ran off to Germany with a prince and that was the end of that.

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Notes:

1. Written on June 3rd, 2022

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(untitled)

I would quite like to say fuck off
to just about everyone
But I don’t say fuck off
to anyone at all

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Notes:

1. Written on June 2nd, 2022

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Thank you!

Tales From The Town #59: New Rooms

The house had grown again. Children ran through the new rooms in a state of excitement. Adults shook their heads in slight disquiet. Outside, the windows no longer corresponded with their location within.

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Notes:

1. Written on 13th April, 2022

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

This is just to say

I have broken
the rules
that were in
the regulations

and which
you were probably
following
at home

Forgive me
I am capricious
faux meek
yet so bold

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Notes:

1. Written on May 25th, 2022
2. A parody
3. I’ve never done one of these before

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

Tales From The Town #58: On The Nature Of Boredom

“Urgh,” said Claire, as she picked up the dice. “This is so boring!”

“No it’s not,” Tina said.

“You’re only saying that because you’re losing,” Ethel said.

“I’m only saying it because it’s boring!” Claire said, as she threw another 1 (her seventh in a row). “I’ve had dreams more interesting than this!”

“We’ve all had dreams more interesting than this,” Ethel said.

“Because dreams are amazing,” Tina said.

“No they aren’t,” Claire said, as she moved her piece one place forwards onto the hexagon that said ‘Move 1 place backwards’. “They’re awful.”

“I dreamt I was a car,” Daniel said. “That could turn into a much smaller car.”

“See?” Claire said, as she moved her piece one place back for the seventh consecutive time. “I told you dreams were boring.”

“Well, I think that’s pretty exciting,” Ethel said.

“So do I,” Tina said.

“It’s not,” Claire said, as she threw the board on the floor. “What’s the point of a car that can turn into a smaller car. It’s useless.”

“When I run out of road,” said Daniel. “I can drive on the pavement.”

“That’s illegal,” Claire said, as she kicked the table over for good measure. “Not to mention BORING!”

The game was declared a draw.

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Notes:

1. Written on April 1st, 2022
2. While the picture was drawn on May 21st, 2022

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If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!