everything i cook tastes the same

everything i cook tastes the same
sometimes i think i’ll cook something different
something nice
so i get a recipe book out
and choose something different
something nice
and start making it

of course
i don’t have this ingredient
or that ingredient
so i use the nearest thing i have
out of the ingredients i already have
or leave it out entirely
and hope it’s okay

still
at least i’ve cooked something different
something nice
which tastes exactly the same now
of course
as everything else i’ve ever cooked

__________

Notes:

1. Written on January 13th, 2020

__________

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loop

I’m using the internet
because I can’t sleep
and I can’t sleep
because I’m using the internet

caught
in a refresh cycle
updating
every
page
in the hope that something has changed
but nothing has

and when something is looked at this closely
this constantly
the illusion is created
that nothing ever does
nor ever will

__________

Notes:

1. Written in early 2018
2. But could really have been written at any point
3. in the 21st century

__________

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three untitled poems

1.

I like
the transformative properties
of snow

the way
it obliterates
the boundary lines
we’ve laid down

road and pavement
path to garden
field from wood

and the way
it allows me to imagine
(in the hour or two before it melts
beneath the afternoon sun)
a world more open
than our own


2.

All that is left now
is the absence of it

the outline
of where it once stood

the memory
of what it once was

the last few mounds of rubble
that no one’s found the time
to sweep away

3.

These waves have been crashing
on indistinguishable shores
for a billion years
and will
for four billion more

__________

Notes:

1. Written in early 2018 sometime
2. Or maybe late 2017

__________

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4/3/4 (anxiety suite)

#105:

haven’t felt right
all morning
woken from dream

***

#106:

something is wrong
with my heart
it aches, it aches

***

#107:

i need to cry
but i’m scared
i’ll never stop

***

#108:

not suicide
but instead
death by neglect

***

#109:

all i dream of
is to once
just be happy

***

#110:

anxiety
renders me
incapable

***

#111:

depressed depressed
depressed de
pressed depressed de

***

#112:

wasted a week
playing no
mans fucking sky

***

#113:

yes i am a
failure
of a human

***

#114:

i have begun
to lose my
whole fucking mind

***

#115:

my self laid bare
competence
is beyond me

***

#116:

i can’t keep my
heart beating
any longer

***

#117:

i cannot bring
myself to
believe you care

***

#118:

yes i could do
anything
if i weren’t me

***

#119:

a tiredness
creeping in
need something new

***

#120:

my teeth all buzz
as if they’re
electrified

***

#121:

imprecision
of language
a failing mind

***

#122:

i cannot write
anything
longer than this

***

#123:

one two three four
five six sev
en eight nine ten

***

#124:

i would blame this
on others
but it’s all me

***

#125:

the crows nested
in my heart
the worms, my mind

***

#126:

i like to sit
by the sea
dream of drowning

***

#127:

a small comfort
in the dream
as if its real

***

#128:

but then i wake
and somehow
its not the same

***

#129:

please forgive me
for my crimes
i’ve repented

***

#130:

i’m just not good
at any
thing at all

__________

Notes:

1. Written in September and October, 2019
2. Previous collections can be found here: #1; #2; #3; #4

__________

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