4/3/4 (#3)

following on
from the first
and the second

here are some
4/3/4s
they will not stop

***

#53: sunset, full moon

towards the sun
then turn, turn,
towards the moon

***

#54: dead animals by the side of the road (in order)

squirrel, fox, fox
(couldn’t tell)
crow, pheasant, fox

***

#55: half glimpsed scene from car window #1

cows in long grass
motionless
below the bridge

***

#56: half glimpsed scene from car window #2

smell of burnt leaves
canal boat
scene out of time

***

#57: autumn poem #1

the foliage
yellowing
browning, falling

***

#58: autumn poem #2

the trees have gone
all yellow
conkers fallen

***

#59: autumn poem #3

the noise of rain
without end
on plastic roofs

***

#60: autumn poem #4

i like the word
autumnal
it’s nice to say

***

#61: autumn poem #5

park in autumn
much nicer
than in summer

***

#62: winter poem #1

park in winter
best of all
ice underfoot

***

#63: note from niece (pushed under toilet door)

“david which film
snowhite or
littel mermade”

***

#64: trip planning, with smart phone

everyone checks
the weather
and then stays home

***

#65: slight phobia admission #1

i get so scared
(who knows why)
by centipedes

***

#66: slight phobia admission #2

scaffolding makes
me feel a
bit uneasy

***

#67: slight phobia admission #3

just thinking of
space in its
infinity

***

#68: on waking #1

an aching back
short of breath
unfocused eyes

***

#69: on waking #2

happiness gone
yet bad dreams
lingering on

***

#70: day out in suffolk #1

a museum
of radar
in concrete hut

***

#71: day out in suffolk #2

birdsong and waves
where the woods
reach the sea wall

***

#72: looking up (perspective trick)

helicopter
and a drone
both the same size

***

#73: dogs #1

a pug snuffling
and sneezing
wheezing, whining

***

#74: dogs #2

this dog looks like
a huge toy
fluffed up, alive

***

#75: dogs #3

“she won’t hurt you,”
he says while
his dog bites me

***

#76: daily routine (breakfast)

don’t eat breakfast
feel quite ill
when i wake up

***

#77: daily routine (lunch)

eat a sandwich
follow that
with cake and coke

***

#78: daily routine (dinner)

cook too much food
feel quite ill
for rest of day

__________

Notes:

1. Written in August and September 2019

Tale #76: Of Wolves And Women

I heard the following tale from both my aunts when I was a child, a year or so apart.

I’m not sure if you’re supposed to think of your aunts this way, but I always did, when I was young – one of them was from within the family (my mother’s sister), the other from without (my dad’s brother’s wife). That one of them was a real aunt, the other merely playing one.

Nowadays, I’m not sure what to think.

Anyway, they both told this story slightly differently – different setting, different details, different phrases, different folksy claims of authenticity – but beyond that, they were the same tale, in all the ways that mattered.

The same body clothed in different clothes.

The story went like this.

A long time ago in a land far away (or, in the other telling, in the town where I grew up), there lived a princess (or a girl, just like you or me) in a castle (or a house). She had no brothers (nor any sisters) and her parents were too busy with the affairs of state (or, quite simply, too dead) to pay her any mind. So the girl/princess would wander the halls of her castle (or the streets of her town) all on her own, searching, always, for something, some sign, some proof that she was loved (or had been loved).

One day a woman came to see the princess at court (or, more simply, knocked on her front door) and said, “I’m your aunt, and I love you as if you were my one and only child.” And the woman stayed with her for the rest of the year, accompanying her on her walks, reading her stories before bed, helping her get dressed in the morning, and always, always, treating the lonely girl with love and tenderness and the utmost care.

On the princess’s 8th birthday (or the girl’s 9th), the aunt said, “I must return to the land where I live. Come with me, little girl, and leave this sadness (and loneliness) behind. Be free of your neglect, and stay by my side.”

And it was here that the tales diverged.

The tales ended very differently, and these were differences that were genuine rather than merely cosmetic. Not different hats so much as entirely different faces. A wolf revealed beneath the mirrored kindnesses of my aunts’ smiles.

In the first, the princess goes with her aunt. But when she arrives in the distant land her aunt called home, the aunt’s demeanour changed. “Obey me, now-child-of-mine, and do as I say. Serve me as a servant and a slave, from dawn until dusk, else I’ll eat you up for my dinner and that will be that.”

So the girl lived in fear, for the rest of her days. And no-one came to save her, for none knew where she had gone.

The moral of this tale as I perceived it then, whether or not that was what was intended: quit your whining, accept your place, for there’s a world out there worse than whatever you hate about home.

The second telling, the one I preferred, the orphan girl again goes with her aunt. She leaves behind her empty house, her lonely town, and walks with her aunt across the country.

Each time the girl feels discomfort, her aunt moves to help. The sun shines too brightly, so she gives the girl her wide-brimmed hat. At night it is too cold, so she gives the girl her coat. To stop the girl being pricked by thorns as they make their way through the woods, she gives the girl her gloves. When the girl loses her shoes in the mud of the brook, she gives the girl her boots.

Finally, the girl can walk no more and collapses to the ground. The aunt removes her clothes, takes off her mask, gets down on all fours, and leans over the girl, her jaw wide, her teeth sharp, her tongue as red as blood. And in her lupine voice, she says, “I’m not your aunt, I never was. I came to you because you were alone and unprotected.”

The mouth gets closer, opens wider. The girl waits for the snap of the jaw, the rasp of the tongue, the bite of the teeth, the pain that will surely come as she’s gobbled up and eaten whole.

But instead, the wolf says, ”I will carry you the rest of the way, my child.”

And with a deft flick of her head she flips the girl into the air and onto her back, and together they travel over the hills, into the woods, far, far away, living happily together ever after.

It was a fairy tale, after all.

The moral of this one: there is kindness in strangers, there is love out there if you will let yourself look.

After I heard this second telling, I wondered which of my aunts was the woman, which the wolf. Always, from then on, I’d be looking, checking, staring, hoping to see some slip of the mask, whether real or metaphorical, to catch the truth of the smile, see a glimpse of the real teeth beneath the false.

To see if their kindness masked cruelty, or if it hid an even deeper kindness, hid love without want, without need, without end.

__________

Notes:

1. Written in June 2018
2. There was a documentary about Angela Carter on BBC Two with the same title as this
3. Which was first shown in August 2018
4. My use of the same title is purely coincidental
5. But nicely serendipitous

Magic Trick

Our mother was a magician. She performed on stage and everything. She was brilliant. One day we came home from school and she had bricked herself up in the chimney.

“I’m in here,” she said cheerily.

“What are you doing in there,” I said.

“Hiding,” she replied.

“From who?” I asked.

“Everyone,” she said.

“How did you get in there, anyway?” Jane asked. “It’s tiny in there.”

Jane knew that cause once she’d crawled in the fireplace and pushed her head up there looking for fairies, and she’d almost got her head stuck.

“It was a bit of a squeeze,” Mum admitted.

She must have done some impressive contortions to slide herself up there. I could see Jane looking up and down the wall, imagining Mum’s body all stretched out up the pipe, standing on tiptoes, her arms pointing right up to heaven.

This still didn’t explain how she’d bricked up the fireplace behind her, but then Mum never did like explaining her tricks. She said it’d spoil them.

“Now go outside and watch this,” she told us, and we went and sat in the garden and waited. Eventually there was a puff of smoke, and a great fat pigeon flew out of the chimney pot and fluttered away across the street.

Two weeks later child protection arrived, and we’ve been in the orphanage ever since. They’re still looking for Dad.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on August 8th, 2019

An Absence Of Story

I was supposed to be telling the class a story
all their faces looking up at mine
waiting for me to fill the silence

But I froze
and the silence
stretched out
so long
that this
absence of story
became the story
to be remembered long beyond any
I could ever have told them

This tale of the silent man
looming
and strange
lonely
and slowly
moving
towards
silent
tears

__________

Notes:

1. Written on September 23rd, 2019
2. And not based on a true story
3. Thankfully
4. But on an anxiety dream
5. instead