Tales From The Town #139: Cold Conversation

“Winter’s rubbish,” Claire said. “I mean, look!” She stamped her boots down in the muddy puddle under the swing, which was frozen so completely she didn’t splash anyone with mud even slightly. “See? Awful!”

“I thought you liked the cold?” Tina said. “You’ve been wanting it to snow all week.”

“Only so we wouldn’t have to school,” Claire said. “Cold without snow’s totally pointless.”

“You’re’re’re to-to-totally pointlessssssssssss,” Ethel said, her teeth chattering so hard her insult didn’t upset Claire at all.

“Wntrsthbst,” Daniel said from beneath two scarfs, three hats, and a hood, “Nwntrycnsallthstrsnthsk!”

“Shut up about stars, Daniel,” Claire said. “It’s not even night time.”

“You’re’re’re’re’re no-no-no-no-not even night-ti-ti-ti-ti-time,” Ethel said, over the course of several minutes, by which time the sun had set and also it had started to snow.

“Snow’s rubbish,” Claire said. “What’s the point of snow on a Saturday?”



1. Written on December 1st, 2023

Doctor Who And The Nature Of Fear (Series 34 Episode 4)

Clara is in her flat. She goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind her. Suddenly Doctor Who pops out from behind the shower curtain

Doctor Who: Clara, are you alone?

Clara: I was!

Doctor Who: And yet look…

Doctor Who points at the bathroom door.

Clara: It’s… a door?

Doctor Who: And? And?

Clara: And… What, exactly, am I supposed to be looking at, Doctor?

Doctor Who: If someone believes they’re truly alone in the house, why would they lock the bathroom door behind them.

Clara: Habit?

Doctor Who: What if they don’t believe they’re truly alone at all?

Clara: No, I’m definitely sure it’s just out of habit.

Cut to: Doctor Who and Clara are in the TARDIS control room. Doctor Who is pressing buttons and pulling levers on the control panel.

Doctor Who: What’s the first thing you see when you sit down on the toilet? The door! And what do doors do? They open! And when are we at our most vulnerable? When we’re on the toilet. Now imagine if outside every bathroom door there is a monster that wants to eat you. If you didn’t lock that door, it’d kick it open and catch you with your trousers down and you’d have no chance to fight back.

Clara: And that’s why we lock the bathroom door? Because they’re are monsters in our house that only come out when no-one else is around and you’re sitting on the toilet on your own?

Doctor Who: Exactly.

Clara: Doctor, do you think that maybe you’re the monster? I mean, it was you that appeared in my bathroom.

Doctor Who: Don’t be absurd. It’s the most common fear in the world, imagining someone bursting in on you while you’re sat there. It’s terrifying.

Clara: Anyway, Doctor, can you stop somewhere right now because I really really need the toilet.

Doctor Who: We can’t stop now. I don’t know where we are.

Clara: I really don’t care.

Clara reaches across the control panel and pulls on a swanee whistle, causing the TARDIS to dematerialise instantly.

Doctor Who: Clara what have you done? That’s the emergency toilet stop. We could be near any public convenience in the entire universe.

Clara: Sorry, Doctor. I’ll just be a mo.

Clara runs out of the TARDIS into a row of shabby looking toilet cubicles. She kicks the nearest one open. It flies open, hitting a schoolboy who was sat there on the head and knocking him out. As he slumps back he drops a marker pen on the floor.

Clara: Oh my, I’m so sorry.

Clara moves to the next cubicle, finds it empty, and shuts the door.

The camera switches to a viewpoint just behind the slumped form of the boy. As the toilet in the next cubicle flushes he begins to wake. We hear the TARDIS huff its way back into space, and as the boy leaves the door swings back shut and we see that the graffiti he was writing on the wall says:


Then we see a sign saying GALLIFREY SCHOOL FOR BOYS above the exit. Also we see that the marker pen was actually a sonic screwdriver. And then text whooshes in to the screen saying THE BOY WAS DOCTOR WHO, followed almost instantly by NEXT WEEK and a picture of a Dalek emerging from a toilet cubicle.



1. I wrote this in 2014
2. Presumably after watching this episode of Doctor Who.
3. Very old satire is the best kind of satire.
4. Anyway, I dont know why this wasn’t already on here but it is now.