(listed in order of loudness/pleasantness)
Birds
Bees
Insects
Whispering
Giggling
Swing creaking
Trampolene squeaking
Distant laughter
Not so distant laughter
School sportsday cheering
Car stereos (in passing)
Neighbour’s radio (in perpetuity)
Hoovers
Lawnmowers
Strimmers
Hammers and/or drills
Motorbikes
Ice Cream Van
Claire
__________
Notes:
1. Written on May 20th, 2024
__________Scene 1: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
*****
Agnes: What’s wrong? Are you okay in there, Claire?
Claire: Of course I’m okay, Mum!
Agnes: Oh. Well what are you making all that dreadful noise for then?
Claire: It’s fun!
*****
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
Scene 2: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Tina: Mum! What’s that noise?!
Ethel: Someone’s screaming, Mum!
Agnes: Oh don’t worry about that. It’s just Claire.
Daniel: But Claire’s right there, Mum.
The camera turns to show Claire at the kitchen table, eating some cornflakes.
Agnes: Oh…
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaeeee!”
Scene 3: Kitchen/Dining Room (part 2)
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Daniel: I’m scared Mum!
Ethel: So am I
Tina: And me, Mum!
Agnes: We’re all scared, Tina.
Claire: I’m not scared, Mum! I’m…. DEAD!
Claire removes her head and puts it on the table next to her bowl of cornflakes, before awkwardly spooning more mouthfuls into her somehow still working gob.
Agnes: Okay, we’re all scared except for Claire.
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaeeee!”
Scene 4: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Tina: It’s getting closer!
Daniel: It’s going to eat us!
Agnes: It is not going to eat us, Daniel.
Ethel: It might!
Daniel: It will!
Agnes: It won’t!
Claire: Yeah, what if it drinks us!
Agnes: Claire! Stop that!
Claire: But what if it does!
Agnes: And put your head back on. It’s disconcerting like this.
Claire: But Mum….
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
Scene 5: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Ethel: If Claire’s not scared, we should send HER out to see what’s making that noise.
Tina: Especially as she’s already dead.
Claire: I’m not going anywhere. I haven’t even finished my cornflakes yet.
Daniel: And she’s not dead. She’s undead.
Claire: That just means the same as dead, Daniel. And I am still not going out there.
Ethel: Claire’s even more scared than we are.
Claire: Am not!
Ethel: Am ARE!!
Agnes: Look, there’s no need to argue. Claire’s not scared.
Claire: At all.
Agnes: And no one’s going to go and see what’s making that noise.
Claire: EVER!
Ethel: See? Claire’s totally scared!
Claire: I am not! There’s no such thing as ghosts so there’s no need to go out there, that’s all. And I’m eating my cornflakes so there.
Agnes: And you’re all going to finish your cornflakes, too.
Ethel: But Mum….!
Claire: Yeah, Ethel, eat up. These might be the last cornflakes you ever eat.
Ethel/Tina/Daniel/Agnes: Shut up, Claire.
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
Scene 6: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaae!”
*******
Tina: It’s so loud!
Ethel: It’s so horrifying!
Daniel: It sounds just like Claire!
Agnes: But Claire’s there.
Claire: I am, aren’t I?
Agnes: So it can’t be Claire
Daniel: Unless there’s two Claires!
Ethel: Or four!
Tina: Or even more!
***********
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaae!”
Scene 7: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom
“Scraaaaaaaaa-”
**********
Agnes (emerging from the bedroom holding an old fashioned looking tape player from the 1980s): Don’t worry everyone. It wasn’t more Claires. It was just a recording of Claire.
Tina/Daniel/Ethel: CLAIRE!
Claire: I can’t believe you idiots thought it was a ghost! You’re all stupid and I hate you!
Claire stomps off into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her
Agnes: Well, at least that’s all over with. (pause) Wait, why’s she the one annoyed by all this?
Tina: And how did she do that thing with her head?
Daniel: And why was she eating cornflakes? On Halloween?
Ethel (pointing): And what’s that Claire doing scuttling along the ceiling like some sort of crab?
The camera pans up. Everything is a torment of scuttling movement
SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAE!
(EVERYTHING EXPLODES)
END CREDITS
_________
Notes:
1. Written in October 2023
__________
Agnes was in the kitchen when she heard the music in the distance. A chill ran down her spine. She closed the laptop and waited for what was sure to come.
Footsteps on the stairs. Doors flung wide. A swarming crowd of desperate faces, raised from some winter-long hibernation.
“Mum! Mum! Can we have some money?”
“For ice creams!”
“From the ice cream van!”
“We’ve got a freezer full of ice creams,” Agnes said. “Can’t you have one of those?”
“But they’re not the same!”
“They’re exactly the same,” Agnes said.
“They’re not.”
“The ice cream van has more.”
“And they’re bigger!”
“And colder!”
“They are not colder.”
“They are!”
“And they might have some new ones!”
“Last year they had some we’d never seen before!”
“They were horrible!”
“Well, our ones aren’t horrible,” Agnes said. “I got the ones we all like.”
“But we’ve been good, Mum!”
“Really good!”
“You said if we’d been good we could have an ice cream!”
“From the ice cream van!”
“I don’t remember saying that at all.”
“Well, you did!”
“You definitely did!”
“Okay, okay,” Agnes said, fishing out some small change from the pockets of her jeans and dropping it into their grasping mitts. “But don’t just buy the ones we’ve got in the freezer!”
Footsteps in the hall. Doors slamming shut behind them. Cries of excitement fading out down the street.
Agnes sat down at the table and sighed. Of all the things in all the worlds, the continued existence of ice cream vans was the thing she understood the least.
__________
Notes:
1. Written on May 4th, 2021
2. With thanks to Arab Strap for the title.