The Elixir Of The Gods

Elrond told Sam to get in the barrel.

“But its full of piss, Sir Elrond.”

“IT IS THE ELIXIR OF THE GODS.”

Sam looked terrified by the shouting elf, and apprehensively climbed into the barrel. The elixir of the gods soaked through Sam’s rubbish hobbit clothes. It was horribly warm. Suddenly Gandalf popped up from behind the barrel, and dunked Sam’s head under. Gandalf and Elrond started to laugh.

“Hobbits really are amazing creatures,” chuckled Gandalf. “You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years you can dunk them in a barrel of piss and you will laugh and luagh and laugh.”

Sam started to cry. “Oh, Sam” Frodo said indulgently, laughing. Boromir looked on from the doorway, scowling. Gimli started to sing about gold.

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Notes:

1. Written on February 9th, 2009

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The Sound Machine

It wasn’t very big but it was still bigger than expected. I put it on the table and listened for a while. The sound quality was excellent and the volume satisfyingly loud. However I fear it might be defective. It left filthy smudges on the tabletop, and when I searched for an off switch it bit me.

Now it’s hiding under the settee and it appears to be leaking

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Notes:

1. Written on September 23rd, 2016

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market stall

I went to the market that they have in the car park behind the high street every thursday and there was a stall there selling cups of piss. I said to the woman running the stall, “Is that really piss?” and she said, “Yes, lovely warm piss. Only £3 a glass,” and I said, “But why would I want to drink a cup of piss?” and she said, “It’s warm piss,” and I said, “I don’t know what difference that makes,” and she said, or sort of sung, “It will grant you your wish / this cup of warm piss,” and I said, “what sort of wish” and she said, “the wish for piss” and I said, “that’s not a wish,” and she bent down and picked up one of the cups and held it out towards me and said, “try it it’s free” and I said, “I thought you said it cost £3,” and she said “this is a trial offer” and I said, “I better still get my wish” and she winked at me and said “the wish for piss” again and I shrugged and closed my eyes and grimaced pre-emptively and downed that cup of piss and wiped my lips clean with the back of my arm and opened my eyes and looked down at the cups of piss and I said “thank you” and she nodded and I said “have a nice day” and she said “and you” and I went back into town and I decided right then or at least by the end of the day that I’d go to the market next week and get another cup assuming the stall’s back again and if she hasn’t sold out by the time I get there

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Notes:

1. Written on June 30th, 2016
2. And basically a direct transcript of a dream I’d had that morning/the previous night

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Three pretty poor poems

Yoghurt

I bought a posher yoghurt than usual
because it was on offer
and therefore cheaper
than the yoghurts
that aren’t as posh
that I usually buy

It was one of those
where the yoghurt is on top
and the fruit beneath
unmixed
in a geological layer
at the bottom of the tub

When I got round to eating it
I ate from the top
down
forgetting to mix it up
or whatever it is
you’re supposed to do

So at the bottom
I was left with
a centimetre or so
of thin blueberry jam
which wasn’t very nice
when eaten on its own

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Knee

My knee aches
occasionally
and I dream of it snapping
suddenly
when I’m out for a walk
or climbing up the stairs
in the bookshop

and the spectacle I’d make
screaming in the park
or tumbling backwards
onto a table
piled high
with paperbacks
that I’ve no interest
in reading

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The last page of the notebooks I keep in my pocket wherever I go

This last page is usually filled
with the names of books
that I’ve seen round the shops
and thought that look interesting
that I can’t afford to buy

But it’s empty this time
because I’ve not been to the shops
since before this notebook began

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Notes:

1. I wrote these on July 21st, 2018
2. I had just been reading a book by Tim Key
3. And was overcome by the urge to poem
4. Or whatever the term is
5. Unfortunately the results were a bit of a disappointment
6. Also there was a fourth poem
7. It was called Piss
8. And went:

Piss
That’s what I said
Because
That’s what I thought
Piss

9. But it was too poor to include here
10. So I left it in the notebook

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