The Elixir Of The Gods

Elrond told Sam to get in the barrel.

“But its full of piss, Sir Elrond.”

“IT IS THE ELIXIR OF THE GODS.”

Sam looked terrified by the shouting elf, and apprehensively climbed into the barrel. The elixir of the gods soaked through Sam’s rubbish hobbit clothes. It was horribly warm. Suddenly Gandalf popped up from behind the barrel, and dunked Sam’s head under. Gandalf and Elrond started to laugh.

“Hobbits really are amazing creatures,” chuckled Gandalf. “You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years you can dunk them in a barrel of piss and you will laugh and luagh and laugh.”

Sam started to cry. “Oh, Sam” Frodo said indulgently, laughing. Boromir looked on from the doorway, scowling. Gimli started to sing about gold.

___________

Notes:

1. Written on February 9th, 2009

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.

Oil

The oil soaked into the carpet in an ever-widening circle of shame around us both as we copulated on the living room floor.

When we reached our climactic finish, our cries caused the cat to jump down in fright from the settee and run obliviously through the mess and out through the half-opened door, leaving a trail of black footprints behind him as he ran into the hall and up the stairs.

“Oh god, I’m sorry,” I said, looking at the mess. “I’m getting old, these days. It’s my knees. If I don’t lubricate them they seize up. But then when I do, I leak.”

“Urgh,” said the scarecrow. “You could have warned me. I’m flammable enough as it is.”

He felt his back and grimaced in disgust at the feel of himself. He rubbed his fingers together in front of my face, my thick black fluid oozing down them towards the grubby palms of his hands.

“How the hell am I going to get all this out? It’s disgusting. Christ, I can feel it soaking through me, soaking into my heart.”

He emphasised that last word and gave me a withering look while he waited for me to respond to his cutting jibe.

The wind suddenly gusted through the open window and the curtains billowed extravagantly. The daylight cast a tawdry brightness across the room, which left both of us deflated.

On the other side of the window, I caught a glimpse of a face peering in, emotionless, wizened, more like a mask than living flesh.

“Please, carry on,” he said, when he noticed me staring. “Don’t mind me.”

But by now the scarecrow had already left, and I was too self-conscious to continue on my own.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on August 7th, 2018

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.

The Videotape

He held the videotape up in the air and said “This is the most important artefact in the world” and then he put it in the videoplayer and then he pressed play and then we watched a lost episode of doctor who where colin baker took his trousers off and put them on his arms and over his head and said he was an elephant now a two trunked elephant from the planet elephontotunk.

Peri screamed and so did bonnie langford.

Before the end the videotape got chewed up and everybody cheered.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on September 22nd, 2016

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.

China

China Mieville, having been evicted from his flat, walked for a while, picked a house at random, and moved in.

He emerged in the moments when the inhabitants of the house were asleep or absent, and when they were up and about he slept in the roof space above the porch like a bat.

The family that lived there only discovered his existence because they had had an internet security webcam system installed, which used motion sensors to take pictures of burglars if they were broken in to, and they usually only switched it on when they were at work or on holiday. One night they forgot to turn it off, and in the morning the system emailed them some photos of China Mieville in the kitchen, eating weetabix straight from the packet, entirely dry.

It took them a few weeks to find where he slept. When they finally confronted him and asked him what he was doing in their house, he began to recite a history of socialism that went on for several days.

“That doesn’t answer our question,” said the mother.

“That [socialism] doesn’t answer anything,” thought the father, and he decided there and then to vote conservative at the next election.

He had actually voted conservative at every election since 1997, but fabricated himself a new excuse each time. You couldn’t call him a conservative, he would say, internally, to himself, just because he voted conservative. He wasn’t an arsehole. He was just worried about the economy.

When people asked him who he voted for he used to say the lib dems, but since 2010 he’d tell them that he wasn’t really political and hadn’t had time to vote.

The son neither said nor thought anything. He didn’t even know who China Mieville was. He didn’t even even care.

China Mieville, having been evicted from his roof space, walked for a while, picked a house at random, and moved in.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on July 23rd, 2018
2. I woke up at about 4 am and wrote this
3. I am not sure why

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.