Eye, Ear, Key, Archway

1. Eye

There was an eyeball in the door where the lock should be, twitching around frantically, lidless and tearful, fearful, too, presumably, overcome with anxiety anticipating the inevitable moment soon when someone would approach and push the key in their hand through the eye’s exposed pupil and into the nerve clusters behind.

I didn’t have a key. I was uninvited. I knocked, but there was no answer. The eye looked up at me while I knocked and then down again when I looked at it looking at me.

I bent down then and pushed my own eye up to the door eye and let it stare into me. I’m not sure why. It just felt like the right thing to do. It was probably lonely, I thought. And shy. Staring directly into the eyes of a shy person is the best way to put them at ease so doing the same to the eye of a shy door would also be the best way to put the door at ease. Maybe it wouldn’t feel so vulnerable and alone if it knew we all had eyes, that it wasn’t alone in the world, that there was more eyes out there, more than it could ever meet, ever imagine.

Of course, that was what it wanted. That was how the disease spread. It wasn’t long before my body had begun to door, before the frantic search of an opening in which to wedge myself consumed every moment of thought.

The gap beneath the stairs where I stored my shoes looked promising, ripe for annexing. I manoeuvred myself into position, settled down and waited for my doorification to reach completion, for the cupboarding of the understair space to conclude.

___

2. Ear

There was an ear in the door where the lock should be. It didn’t twitch or move or weep or do anything at all really, just went on being very clearly a human ear where the lock should be. I had my key in my hand but couldn’t bring myself to push it into the earhole. What if the human ear was connected to a human brain? What would it sound like, I thought, if someone forced a key into your ear, as the cold metal scraped its way down the ear canal, then the slow twist of of it, metal turning bone, until, with a click, the mechanism was sprung and your face swung slowly opened, the cogs inside revealed to the world, rusted, worn down, barely turning at all.

So I waited around, pretending to talk on my phone, until someone came out from inside and then quickly nipped in before the door closed behind them.

___

3. Key

There was a lock in the door exactly where the lock should be, just like you’d expect. But instead of a key I had hundreds of tiny little fingers and toes hanging from my keyring and I had to try each of them in turn until I found the right finger or toe for the lock. It’s horrible, but that’s how keys are made so what can you do about it, really?

I mean, it’s okay for you out there in your fancy cities with your state of the art eye scanners and ear whisperators and the like, but out here in the marshes we’ve got to make do with more durable methods that can cope with the mould and the cold and the harsh salt air.

I felt like that too when i first moved out here but I’m sort of used to it now.

I made some sort of skeleton key joke at work last week when I had to lock up at the end of the day but nobody laughed and a couple of people cried. I’ve probably got a couple of their toes in my pocket, I thought, a little callously, but at least I didn’t say it out loud. I’m not a monster.

___

4. Archway

There wasn’t a door and there wasn’t a lock and there wasn’t even any keys or anything, anywhere. They were illegal. And blasphemous, or was it heretical, I can never remember which is which. Maybe they were both.

In places where privacy was expected, like toilets, and changing rooms, and weeping chambers, a convoluted series of walls and archways at right angles to each other in varying patterns of complexity were employed, through which you’d have to twist and turn your way through before you reached whichever isolated sanctum resided within and beyond.

Lines of sight from one room to another were thus impossible. It was a very civilised system, and the envy of most other states.

The archways were made of rib bones. The walls from flayed skin. To keep the flies out, human hair hung down from the archways. Each hair was threaded carefully through the many discarded teeth of children, and the rattling these made as you parted them with your hands was strangely delightful in a way I could never adequately explain.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on September 27th, 2017
2. While I was in the park in Colchester, I think
3. Not that that really matters to anyone I expect

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.

The Thing Upon The Wall

There was a thing on the wall, twitching, clicking. One tick every second, a chime upon the hour. In this way it consumed my life.

I begged it to stop, but it would not stop.

___________

Notes:

  1. Written on December 13th, 2018
  2. This isn’t very good
  3. For which I’m sorry
  4. But I’m trying to work out how to use wordpress’s terrible new post editor
  5. Things I have discovered are that you can’t write a list like this without it autoconverting it to an indented list
  6. Even though I don’t want it indented
  7. At all
  8. God help us all from helpful algorithms

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.

The Elixir Of The Gods

Elrond told Sam to get in the barrel.

“But its full of piss, Sir Elrond.”

“IT IS THE ELIXIR OF THE GODS.”

Sam looked terrified by the shouting elf, and apprehensively climbed into the barrel. The elixir of the gods soaked through Sam’s rubbish hobbit clothes. It was horribly warm. Suddenly Gandalf popped up from behind the barrel, and dunked Sam’s head under. Gandalf and Elrond started to laugh.

“Hobbits really are amazing creatures,” chuckled Gandalf. “You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years you can dunk them in a barrel of piss and you will laugh and luagh and laugh.”

Sam started to cry. “Oh, Sam” Frodo said indulgently, laughing. Boromir looked on from the doorway, scowling. Gimli started to sing about gold.

___________

Notes:

1. Written on February 9th, 2009__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.

Oil

The oil soaked into the carpet in an ever-widening circle of shame around us both as we copulated on the living room floor.

When we reached our climactic finish, our cries caused the cat to jump down in fright from the settee and run obliviously through the mess and out through the half-opened door, leaving a trail of black footprints behind him as he ran into the hall and up the stairs.

“Oh god, I’m sorry,” I said, looking at the mess. “I’m getting old, these days. It’s my knees. If I don’t lubricate them they seize up. But then when I do, I leak.”

“Urgh,” said the scarecrow. “You could have warned me. I’m flammable enough as it is.”

He felt his back and grimaced in disgust at the feel of himself. He rubbed his fingers together in front of my face, my thick black fluid oozing down them towards the grubby palms of his hands.

“How the hell am I going to get all this out? It’s disgusting. Christ, I can feel it soaking through me, soaking into my heart.”

He emphasised that last word and gave me a withering look while he waited for me to respond to his cutting jibe.

The wind suddenly gusted through the open window and the curtains billowed extravagantly. The daylight cast a tawdry brightness across the room, which left both of us deflated.

On the other side of the window, I caught a glimpse of a face peering in, emotionless, wizened, more like a mask than living flesh.

“Please, carry on,” he said, when he noticed me staring. “Don’t mind me.”

But by now the scarecrow had already left, and I was too self-conscious to continue on my own.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on August 7th, 2018
__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.

The Videotape

He held the videotape up in the air and said “This is the most important artefact in the world” and then he put it in the videoplayer and then he pressed play and then we watched a lost episode of doctor who where colin baker took his trousers off and put them on his arms and over his head and said he was an elephant now a two trunked elephant from the planet elephontotunk.

Peri screamed and so did bonnie langford.

Before the end the videotape got chewed up and everybody cheered.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on September 22nd, 2016__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like what you've read here please consider subscribing to our patreon. Cheers.