Tales From The Town #195: “Facts About….” WITH DANIEL!!!! (A Halloween Special)

Panel 1: Facts About… Conkers!!!!! (the words “with Daniel” are written below in all caps, while the “o” in conkers has been made to look like a conker. Below all that there’s a full portrait picture of Daniel swirling his long hair that is like a viking’s hair around)
Panel 2: Daniel is now also swirling a conker around on a piece of string – “Conkers?”
Panel 3: Daniel is now upside down and also in the middle of what looks like an explosion. Who knows where the conker has gone – “BONKERS!!!”

Please Note: The “Facts About” format is owned by Claire and if you would like to publish your own verified facts in comic strip form please send £1 in licensing fees to Claire at claire@claire.claire

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“What the hell is this, Daniel?” Claire shouted, holding Daniel’s comic strip in one hand and then furiously jabbing at it with the other.

“It’s… BONKERS!!!” said Daniel.

“Yeah, well, maybe, but it’s not about Halloween at all,” Claire said.

“I know,” said Daniel. “It’s about conkers.”

“You were supposed to be writing about Halloween, Daniel!” Claire said. “I told you to write about Halloween!”

“But I love conkers,” Daniel said. “Because they’re BONKERS!”

“Maybe they are,” Claire said. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re upside down in that last panel. And in the middle of an explosion.”

“An explosion,” said Daniel, leaning over to point at his drawing to explain its intricacies. “And an implosion. The outer one is the explosion and the inner one is the implosion.”

“I see,” Claire said. “Well, whatever, Daniel, it’s your pound. Now pay up.”

She held out her hand to accept her licensing fee from Daniel, who reached into his pocket, withdrew a nice shining £1 coin that he’d spent all morning shining up just for this occasion, and then flicked it up into the air for her to catch, although Claire didn’t catch it, but dropped it, ineptly, and then they both watched as it hit the floor and rolled all the way between both of their legs, past the cat, and then into a cobweb in the corner at the back under the desk that had been there for as long as they could remember, even though none of them had ever seen a spider in their room, not ever.

“Why are you paying Claire, Daniel?” Tina asked, as she rolled her chair back so that Claire could reach into the cobweb to retrieve her payment.”Shouldn’t she be paying you?”

“Yeah, Claire didn’t do anything except complain,” Ethel said. She was sitting on the window ledge for some reason. “Why’s she the one getting paid?”

“Because I’m the editor,” said Claire, emerging from beneath the desk with some cobwebs in her hair and a pound coin in her hand and a spider crawling all over her jumper. “That’s the most important job of all.”

“And I’m an author now!” Daniel said excitedly, doing a backflip onto his bed to prove it. “I’m going to be so rich!”

PS: After this story finished everyone was killed by the spider because it was Halloween. THE END
PPS: Then the cat ate the spider.
PPPS: Also Ethel was a vampire in this story.
PPPPS: That’s why she was sitting on the windowledge.
PPPPPS: Daniel! Stop adding things to the end of this story! It’s confusing!
PPPPPPS: No it’s not. It’s unconfusing! Now everyone knows what happens after the story ended.
PPPPPPPS: But no one cares what happens after the story ended. I got my money, and that’s the entire point of the story!
PPPPPPPPS: Did you know, that that pound coin was haunted?!!!!!!!
PPPPPPPPPS: Stop ruining everything, Daniel. There’s no such thing as a haunted pound coin!
PPPPPPPPPPS: Also Tina is a werewolf!
PPPPPPPPPPPS: Daniel, I’m warning you, if you don’t shut up right now I’m never letting you write another comic strip ever again!
PPPPPPPPPPPPS: Mum is also a werewolf. From space!
PPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (The comic strip has now been thrown in the bin)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPS (Doors have been slammed)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (Daniel’s pound has not been returned)

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Notes:

1. Written on October 25th, 2024

Tales From The Town #194: Facts About… Halloween!!!!!

Panel 1: Facts About… Halloween!!!!! (all caps, with spooky shadows and a quintuple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!!” written in a blood red and slightly haunted font that continually drips blood. Also Claire’s face is orange for some reason)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s orange face – “Halloween?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s orange face – “Holloween more like!”

Please Note: If you would like to carve Facts About… With Claire! into a pumpkin please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire for the necessary and specific permissions that only Claire can grant.

*****

“I don’t get it,” said Daniel.

“Because you’re stupid,” Claire said. “Everyone else gets it.”

“I don’t get it either,” said Ethel.

“Yeah, I’m not sure I really do, either, Claire,” Tina said.

“Urgh,” said Claire. “It’s a pun. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to everyone.”

“Yes, but a pun about what?” Tina asked.

“About halloween!” Claire shouted. “Hollow sounds a bit like hallow, right?”

“Yeah, but… what does hollowness have to do with halloween?” Tina asked.

“Hollow like a pumpkin!” Claire said. “I even coloured my face in orange so it was obvious.”

“We just thought that was how your face always looks,” Ethel said. “Due to Wotsits!”

“Shut up, Ethel!” Claire said. “Anyway, I’d like to see any of you come up with a better joke that is also a fact that fits the theme of the comic strip for this week, once a week, every week, for ever! It’s not easy at all. It takes me absolutely ages to even come up with one of these.”

“Claire’s comic strip?” Ethel said. “Claire’s moronic strip more like!”

“That’s not a fact,” Claire said. “It’s an opinion.”

“Ghosts?” Tina ventured. “NO-sts more like!” She looked up at Claire’s intense unblinking stare for a few moments, before feeling that maybe she needed to offer up an explanation for the joke just in case. “Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ghosts.”

“Obviously,” said Claire. “But I can’t just be printing everyday facts in the comic strip. They need to be funny.”

“Mine was funny,” Tina said.

“No it wasn’t,” Claire said. “It was clever. No one wants to read comic strips that are clever. No one.”

“Anna does,” Ethel said.

“Exactly,” said Claire. “And Anna’s an idiot.”

“And Dad does,” Tina said.

“Dad’s comic strips are stupid,” said Claire. “And boring. No one even knows what they’re about.” She stared at her two sisters with a look of triumph on her face. “So anyway, I think this has all proved that I’m the best at writing comics and everyone else is the worst. I WIN!”

“You can’t win at comic strips,” Tina said. “That’s not how comic strips work.”

“You can’t win at comic strips,” Claire said. “Whereas I definitely ca-”

“Oh, I get it now,” Daniel suddenly said.

“What?” Claire said.

“”Pumpkins? Plumpkins more like!” Daniel said.

“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire said. “I’ve already won.”

“Treat or treat! Trick or eat more like!” Daniel said.

“Daniel!”

“October? Shocktober more like!” Daniel said.

“Shut up!”

“Werewolves? Scarewolves more like!” Daniel said.

“Shut u-”

“Ghostly slime? Mostly lime more like!” Daniel said.

“Shut-”

“Hula hoops? Cthulhu hoops more like!” Daniel said.

“Shu-”

“Bonfire night? Bonfire fright more like!” Daniel said.

“Sh-”

“Vampires? Hampires more like!” Daniel said.

“S-”

“Frankenstein’s monster? Frankenstein’s imposter more like!” Daniel said.

“Sh-”

“Ghouls? Fools more like!” Daniel said.

“Shu-”

“Spooktacular? Shoot Dracula more like!” Daniel said.

“Shut-”

“Skeletons? Smellytons more like!!” Daniel said.

“Shut u-”

“Superheroes? Superweirdos more like!” Daniel said.

“Shut up-”

“Eyeballs? Cryballs more like!” Daniel said.

“Shut up!”

“Cats? Bats more like!” Daniel said, before quickly adding, “Bats? Cats more like!”

“SHUT UP!” Claire said. “Daniel, you’re ruining everything. You need to stop.”

“But I’ve only just started,” said Daniel. “Fireworks? Direworks more like! Clowns? Frowns more like! Mannequins? Mannelimbs more like! A haunted house? A haunted mouse more like! Ravens? Rave-offs more like! Spider webs? Cider legs more like! Slugs? Mugs more like! Zombies? Wrongbies more like! Autumn? Boretumn more like! Headless horsemen? Headless norsemen more like! Half term? Scarf term more like! Hedgehogs? Hedgedogs more like! Halloween? Halloscream more like!”

“Why is he so good at this?” Claire sat down and moaned. “It’s so unfair.”

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Notes:

1. Written between September 30th and October 7th, 2024

Tales From The Town #192: Matches Of The Days

1. The Old Game

“Urgh, why do we have to play football again,” Claire said, as she stood near the goal (but not actually in the goal) with her hand up waiting for someone to pass her the ball so she could kick the ball into the goal as hard as she could. “I hate football.”

“Because the only ball we have left is the football,” Tina said, passing the football carefully away from Claire and over towards Ethel who wasn’t very near the goal at all and also didn’t have her hand up.

“Someone threw all the other balls down the well,” Ethel added, as she passed the ball nowhere near Claire even though she was quite near Claire and all the way over to Daniel instead who was miles away and not even looking.

“Including the football,” Claire said proudly. “So where did this one come from?”

“I found it in a bush,” Daniel said as he jumped over the ball and then ran round it in a circle for some reason before dribbling all the way back towards Claire and then he stopped and ran around it in a circle again then jumped over the ball once more just for good measure.

“What bush?” Claire asked, not looking at the ball any more but at Daniel who she was talking to.

“The football bush,” said Daniel. “Where the footballs live.”

“There’s no such bush,” Claire said.

“There is,” said Daniel, as he booted the ball past Claire while she was distracted and into the goal, and then out of the goal, because there wasn’t any nets up in the goal, so it went flying straight into the bush behind the goal (that Claire was near ((but not actually in)). “It’s that bush,” Daniel added, who then did a little dance.

“Urgh,” Claire said, her head dropping in despair as she trudged off to get the ball (out of the bush (behind the goal (that she wasn’t even in))). “I hate football so much.”

2. The New Game

“I’ve invented a new game,” Claire announced, when she came back with the ball, several minutes of grumbling later. “It’s much better than stupid old football. Right, Daniel, you go and stand over there.”

Daniel went and stood over there.

“And Tina and Ethel, you also go and stand over there,” Claire said.

Tina and Ethel also went and stood over there.

“And now I turn around and boot the ball over there,” Claire said.

Claire turned around and booted the ball all the way over there, as far away from everyone else as possible, and they all watched the ball as it bounced over the fence, and then ran down the hill, and then rolled into the road, and then a car hit the ball, and the ball went flying across to the other side of the road, and then a truck coming the other way hit the ball, and the ball flew back across to the first side of the road, and then a bus hit the ball, and this time the ball exploded.

That was the end of the game.

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Notes:

1. Written on September 29th, 2024