Cats In Places They Should Not Be

There were cats in places they should not be. On shelves, in drawers, stretched out asleep on the computer keyboard and curled up asleep on the record player turnstile and the dashboard of our car. There were cats in my backpack and in Mum’s handbag. They were in the bath, in the shower, on the toilet seat and in the sink and the cupboard under the sink and the one above the sink somehow too. I don’t know how they could fit in there but they could and they did and there was nothing we could do to stop them.

There were cats in our pockets and cats in our sleeves and there was a cat curled up in the hood of my coat even though I was wearing the coat and the hood was up but still it was in there purring and doing that thing cats do with their claws when they’re happy until my entire scalp was pinpricked with blood.

We tried to phone for help but there was a cat sat on the phone and then we tried to call for help but there were kittens in our mouths by now and they looked out at the world with cute unblinking eyes from the middle of our faces.

There was nothing we could do but acquiesce to their demands.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on October 14th, 2022
2. There is no finer sight in life than a cat in a place that it should not be.

Unwanted Conversation Generator

Please note usage of the Unwanted Conversation Generator is undertaken at the user’s own risk.

1. Opening Gambit (please select only one topic from this section)

a) Is it okay if I sit there?
b) Is anyone sitting there?
c) Is this seat taken?
d) Mind if i join you?

If the answer to your question is Yes, sit down and proceed to section 2. However, if the answer is No, sit down and proceed to section 2.

2. General Topic (beginners should choose only one from this section, though more experienced players may wish to select multiple possibilities in a combination of their choice)

a) What are you drinking?
b) What are you reading?
c) What are you listening to?
d) What are you typing?
e) What are you talking about?

3. Response Strategy (please select one strategy from each section, to be deployed in order)

3.1 (Initiation Phase)

a) Listen to answer
b) Don’t listen to answer
c) Interrupt answer
d) Yawn
e) Laugh

3.2 (Groundwork)

a) Actually…
b) Well, the thing is…
c) See, where you’re wrong…
d) Nah…

3.3 (Placement)

a) Just my opinion on things.
b) Not that I’d expect you to understand.
c) Course you can’t say that nowadays.
d) Only joking.

3.4 (Detonation)

a) Mate
b) Love

4. Closing Emotion (freeform round)

a) Laughter
b) Anger
c) Indignation
d) Abuse
e) Apologetic Ingratiation
f) Eye roll
g) Yawn
h) Hurt
i) Confusion
j) Ostentatious concentration on own phone
k) Other
l) All of the above

__________

Notes:

1. Written on November 15th, 2022

Tales From The Town #96: Infinity Explained (part 2)

“If infinity is a number, Claire, why don’t you try counting to it?”

“Why don’t YOU try counting to it?

“Because I can’t.”

“No one can.”

“Well I can!”

“Go on then!”

“I will!”

“She won’t!”

“I will!”

“Well what are you waiting for, then?”

“I’m getting ready.”

“You’re so annoying Claire!”

“Not as annoying as you!”

“Yes you are, you’re the most annoying person in the whole galaxy.”

“Yeah, you’re the most annoying person in the entire universe, Claire!”

“Well you’re the most annoying person in infinity! Both of you are!”

“What about me?”

“You’re even more annoying than that, Daniel! You’re even more annoying than EVERYTHING!”

__________

Notes:

1. Written on December 31st, 2022

At The Pub

They charge by the word now down at the pub. As the evening drags on a silence like no other descends. Not even the dogs dare bark.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on October 14th, 2022

Tales From The Town #95: The Shop (A Trilogy)

1. The Shop

The shop sells whatever it can sell. You never know what you might find. Once it’s gone it’s gone, replaced by something new from the basement down below.

2. The Basement

The basement is full of all the things it can hold. They enter through the doors at the back, push forward towards the stairs at the front, all clamouring to be next on the shelves in the shop far above. It’s dark down there and they don’t like it at all. They dream of arc lights, window displays, glimpses of the sky, and so much more.

3. Beyond The Basement

No one knows what lies beyond those doors at the back of the basement beneath the store. Things come in through them, but when, but how, but from where.

Of course we do not care to know the answers to these questions we often ask. Whatever we found out would not please us, that much we know. Better to live in ignorance, better to invent some tale all our own.

___________

Notes:

1. Written on 20th October, 2022