Tales From The Town #115: Character Traits

“Stop being weird, Claire,” Ethel said.

“I’m not being weird,” Claire said, from inside the bin. “I’m being loud.”

To prove her point, she kicked the metal bin as hard as she could while standing inside it, causing it to gong like a bell.

“You can be two things at once, you know?” Tina said, quietly and seriously.

“You can’t,” Claire said.

“You can,” Ethel said. “And you are.”

“Don’t be stupid. I’m not weird at all,” Claire said. “Daniel’s weird.”

“Daniel’s not weird he’s whimsical,” Tina said.

“Bringing the cat to the shops isn’t whimsical, it’s weird,” Claire said. “Really weird.”

“She wanted to see where cat biscuits came from,” Daniel said. “And now she knows.”

The cat meowed to let everyone know she did know now and everyone crouched down to stroke her except Claire, who began kicking the inside of the bin again until she had everyone’s attention.

“Daniel’s weird, I’m loud, Tina’s, urgh, thoughtful, and Ethel’s contrary,” Claire said.

“I’m not contrary!”

“You are!” Claire declared, banging the bin lid against the side of the bin to finalise the pronouncement. “And that’s that!”

“What about Mum?” Tina asked.

“Mum’s exasperated,” Agnes said, emerging from the shop with several carrier bags full of spilt cat biscuits. “And Daniel, if that cat ever wants to know where fish come from, don’t you dare take her to the pet shop, okay?”

__________

Notes:

1. Written on April 25th, 2023

Tales From The Town #114: The Dreams Of A Broken Watch

It dreamt it was a metronome.
It dreamt it was an egg timer.
It dreamt it was a stopwatch.

It dreamt it was the display on a VCR
in the 1980s
green
and pristine

and the numbers on a clock radio
glowing red
in the early morning gloom

But what it dreamt of most often
what it dreamt of right now
was of its own magnificence

huge and looming
on the side of some infinite tower
high above the town

ticking
tocking
relentlessly
measuring out the lives of everyone below
regulating the beats of their hearts
until they matched the timing
of its own

__________

Notes:

1. Written on March 30th, 2023

Tales From The Town #112: Nests

Something put nests up all around the town. Weird contortions of twig and wire, string and sinew, thorns, charging cables, washing lines, shoelaces, school ties, the horrible mesh bags they put oranges in at the supermarket.

No one knew why. No one dared ask. The nests were taken down, and everyone hoped that whatever had made them wouldn’t make them again.

But they would. They would.

__________

Notes:

1. Written on April 7th, 2023

Tales From The Town #111: Captain Crabclaw

“And now, Captain Crabclaw, you die!” the Admiral said with a gloating laugh. He lowered his sword which signalled to his guards it was time to raise their swords and poke Captain Crabclaw in the belly so that she stepped back that final step and fell off the gangplank and into the ocean with a loud, satisfying splash as she definitely died. “And so ends the tale of Captain Crabclaw. IN DEATH! There’s no coming back from that!”

“No!” whimpered Daniel.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” bellowed Claire.

“YES!” Ethel exulted, exultingly.

On screen there was much rejoicing, all the Admiral’s guards and soldiers and the bo’sun and some sort of swabbie cheering loudly and giving the Admiral a series of triumphant hurrahs before saluting him because Admirals like being saluted. Then he turned round and marched off towards his cabin.

Outside the door stood Captain Crabclaw, dripping wet, but smiling and definitely totally alive.

“NOOOOO!” wailed Ethel.

“YES!” Daniel cried.

“IN YOUR FACE ETHEL!” Claire shouted, throwing a cushion on the floor and stamping merrily on it for good measure.

“Captain Crabclaw!” the Admiral spluttered. “But how? You’re supposed to be dead!”

“You forgot one tiny detail, Admiral Humanhands!” Captain Crabclaw explained. “I can swim!”

“And so can I,” said her merman, as the camera moved over very slightly to show he was there too now.

Then the merman swung his long flowing totally amazing hair round and grabbed on to the mast and him and Captain Crabclaw swung across the deck in each other’s arms, Captain Crablcaw kicking absolutely everyone into the sea. Even the swabbie. And the bo’sun. And the Admiral’s snooty son and both of their wives.

And that was the end of that for another week. The incredible theme song played over the end credits and they made sure to click at exactly the right time so it went back to the theme song and played all of it instead of skipping on to the next episode, especially as this was the last episode and there wasn’t any more yet they’d have to wait for the new series NEXT YEAR!

“I wish I was Captain Crabclaw,” said Claire, as she mimed kicking absolutely everyone into the sea.

“I wish I was her merman,” said Daniel, as he swung his long hair that was like a viking’s hair around in the celebrated merman style.

“I wish I was whoever finally gets to kill Captain Crabclaw off for good,” said Ethel, swinging imaginary muskets around and firing at Claire in the way that would usually annoy Claire considerably but didn’t today because Claire was too busy kicking imaginary people into a dreamt up sea to notice.

“I wish I was in an entirely different cartoon altogether,” Tina said wistfully, as she looked briefly up from her book and then looked back down at her book and continued reading her book which was a good book that she liked a lot it was nice.

_________

Notes:

1. Written on March 30th, 2023