“They think I’m some kind of vampire,” the mayor cackled gleefully in the dark. “But I’m not a vampire at all. I’m a ghoul.”
_________
Notes:
1. Written on July 28th, 2023
The Six Universal Plot States Of Fiction
1. A dream
2. A dream within a dream
3. A dream within a dream within a dream
4. A dream within a dream within a dream within a dream
5. A dream within a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream
6. A nightmare
__________
Notes:
1. Written on November 11th, 2023
Tales From The Town #135: The Rudest Word In The Entire World (Part 3)
“So what is a rude word then, Mum?” Ethel asked.
“Yeah, Mum, I bet you know loads of rude words,” Claire said. “Like, you must know words so rude Daniel wouldn’t even know they were rude.”
“I’d know,” Daniel said, hugging the cat and one of the dolls while watching his favourite tv programme on his phone and eating a yoghurt all at once while also hiding in a den he’d made using a crocheted blanket stretched out between three chairs and kept in place by some precarious towers of heavy looking books.
“Well, maybe you just need to shut up, Daniel,” Claire said. “Maybe you should all shut up and let Mum say what she wants.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, Claire,” Tina said.
“I don’t care,” Claire said. “Anyway, look, Daniel’s put his headphones on. You can say anything now Mum!”
“Just so we know never to say whatever it is!” Ethel added, actually quite eager to hear something so forbidden.
“Or accidentally put it in a poem,” Tina said.
“Or a story.”
“Or the script we’re writing for a radio show that we’re going to broadcast to the whole town!”
“You’re not going to catch me out that easily,” Agnes said. “And anyway, it’s not the word that matters, it’s the intent.”
“That sounds stupid,” Claire said. “Of course it’s the word that matters, Mum. Otherwise it’d just be… noise!”
“I simply mean…” Agnes said, feeling quite defensive. She hated being put on the spot like this. “Like, what about the mayor?”
“What about the mayor?” Tina, Ethel and Claire all asked.
“I mean, the mayor,” Agnes said, looking out of the window as if maybe she could see the mayor out of the window even though the mayor was shut up in the mayor’s office like always and not in their garden like he never was and never had been nor ever would be. “There’s nothing wrong with the word. But what about the man?”
“What about the man?” Tina, Claire and Ethel all asked.
“Doesn’t he just seem… you know,” Agnes said, shuddering. “Urgh.. he just kind of revolts me. Like, what is he doing in there?”
“In where?” Ethel, Claire and Tina all asked.
“In his office,” Agne said. “With the lights off, and the doors bolted, and all the windows covered in soot. It’s not… it’s not natural.”
“Natural?” Ethel, Tina and Claire all asked.
“You know, the sort of thing a human being of living flesh might do,” Agnes said, suddenly leaving the room so she could go and make a cup of tea even though she’d only just had a cup of tea. “There’s something very wrong about the mayor, that’s all I know. Something very wrong indeed.”
“Well, that was weird,” Tina and Ethel said.
“But not rude,” Claire said. “At all. Stupid Mum. Who cares about the mayor anyway?””
“The mayor,” Daniel said, taking his earphones off now it was safe, and looking at the others very seriously indeed through the holes in the crocheted blanket. “Is a massive fucking wanker.”
“Daniel!” Tina, Ethel and most definitely Claire all shouted. “You can’t say that!”
“Well, it’s only what I heard,” Daniel said, before putting his earphones back on and listening to whatever it was he was listening to under his blanket while he watched whatever it was he was watching in there with the cat and the doll (he’d finished his yoghurt by now).
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Notes:
1. Written on July 28th, 2023
2. Obviously this episode will be censored in reprints.
Tales From The Town #134: The Scream (A Halloween Found Footage Special)
Scene 1: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
*****
Agnes: What’s wrong? Are you okay in there, Claire?
Claire: Of course I’m okay, Mum!
Agnes: Oh. Well what are you making all that dreadful noise for then?
Claire: It’s fun!
*****
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
Scene 2: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Tina: Mum! What’s that noise?!
Ethel: Someone’s screaming, Mum!
Agnes: Oh don’t worry about that. It’s just Claire.
Daniel: But Claire’s right there, Mum.
The camera turns to show Claire at the kitchen table, eating some cornflakes.
Agnes: Oh…
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaeeee!”
Scene 3: Kitchen/Dining Room (part 2)
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Daniel: I’m scared Mum!
Ethel: So am I
Tina: And me, Mum!
Agnes: We’re all scared, Tina.
Claire: I’m not scared, Mum! I’m…. DEAD!
Claire removes her head and puts it on the table next to her bowl of cornflakes, before awkwardly spooning more mouthfuls into her somehow still working gob.
Agnes: Okay, we’re all scared except for Claire.
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaeeee!”
Scene 4: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Tina: It’s getting closer!
Daniel: It’s going to eat us!
Agnes: It is not going to eat us, Daniel.
Ethel: It might!
Daniel: It will!
Agnes: It won’t!
Claire: Yeah, what if it drinks us!
Agnes: Claire! Stop that!
Claire: But what if it does!
Agnes: And put your head back on. It’s disconcerting like this.
Claire: But Mum….
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
Scene 5: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
******
Ethel: If Claire’s not scared, we should send HER out to see what’s making that noise.
Tina: Especially as she’s already dead.
Claire: I’m not going anywhere. I haven’t even finished my cornflakes yet.
Daniel: And she’s not dead. She’s undead.
Claire: That just means the same as dead, Daniel. And I am still not going out there.
Ethel: Claire’s even more scared than we are.
Claire: Am not!
Ethel: Am ARE!!
Agnes: Look, there’s no need to argue. Claire’s not scared.
Claire: At all.
Agnes: And no one’s going to go and see what’s making that noise.
Claire: EVER!
Ethel: See? Claire’s totally scared!
Claire: I am not! There’s no such thing as ghosts so there’s no need to go out there, that’s all. And I’m eating my cornflakes so there.
Agnes: And you’re all going to finish your cornflakes, too.
Ethel: But Mum….!
Claire: Yeah, Ethel, eat up. These might be the last cornflakes you ever eat.
Ethel/Tina/Daniel/Agnes: Shut up, Claire.
******
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeee!”
Scene 6: Kitchen/Dining Room
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaae!”
*******
Tina: It’s so loud!
Ethel: It’s so horrifying!
Daniel: It sounds just like Claire!
Agnes: But Claire’s there.
Claire: I am, aren’t I?
Agnes: So it can’t be Claire
Daniel: Unless there’s two Claires!
Ethel: Or four!
Tina: Or even more!
***********
“Scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaae!”
Scene 7: The Hallway Outside Claire’s Bedroom
“Scraaaaaaaaa-”
**********
Agnes (emerging from the bedroom holding an old fashioned looking tape player from the 1980s): Don’t worry everyone. It wasn’t more Claires. It was just a recording of Claire.
Tina/Daniel/Ethel: CLAIRE!
Claire: I can’t believe you idiots thought it was a ghost! You’re all stupid and I hate you!
Claire stomps off into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her
Agnes: Well, at least that’s all over with. (pause) Wait, why’s she the one annoyed by all this?
Tina: And how did she do that thing with her head?
Daniel: And why was she eating cornflakes? On Halloween?
Ethel (pointing): And what’s that Claire doing scuttling along the ceiling like some sort of crab?
The camera pans up. Everything is a torment of scuttling movement
SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAE!
(EVERYTHING EXPLODES)
END CREDITS
_________
Notes:
1. Written in October 2023
The Mysterious Fu Manchu Mysteries – Episode 30: The Boat Trip
The Mysterious Fu Manchu Mysteries (1923) were a series of silent shorts based on the Sax Rohmer-penned novels featuring the mystery man of the show’s title, starring Harry Agar Lyons as Fu Manchu, Joan Clarkson as Karamenah, Fred Paul as Nayland Smith, Humberston Wright as Dr. Petrie, and Julie Sudo as Zarmi.
In this episode, Karamenah is convinced to go on a boat trip…
___________
Notes:
1. Made on October 4th, 2023
2. To watch all of these, please see this playlist on youtube.