Tales From The Town #84: On The Nature Of Excitement

1. It’s going to snow. It’s not snowing yet but’s going to snow this evening. We don’t care if you don’t think it’s going to snow, Mum, because a boy at school said it was going to snow and his mum’s a farmer and she said you can get snow in November, Mum, you can. It’s going to snow before dinner it is and if it doesn’t it’s going to snow during dinner you’ll see, Mum, you’ll see!

2. It’s going to snow. It’s going to snow this evening once it gets dark and we’re going to sit here and watch out the window until it does and even then if it doesn’t snow this evening it’s definitely going to snow tonight while we’re asleep and then we’ll wake up and there’ll be snow everywhere and it’s going to be so amazing, Mum, it’s going to be just like Christmas, not real Christmas but pretend Christmas from a book! It’s going to snow in the middle of the night and when we get up and look out the window it’s going to be like we’re on the moon.

3. It’s going to snow. It’s going to snow today, Mum, while we’re at school, and we’ll be in the classroom and we’ll see it snowing outside and we’ll all run to the windows and watch it and it’ll be like being in a film, Mum, and then we’re all going to go outside and play in it and throw snowballs at everyone and make snowmen and and and igloos! and we’re going to crawl inside the igloos and pretend to be penguins and eat snow just like real penguins and it’s going be the best day ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever everve evrevevrveevevevevevevevevvevvvvevvev

4. It did not snow.

5. It was never going to snow ,was it?.

6. Not now.

7. Not ever ever ever again.

8. Stupid snow.
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Notes:

1. Written on the 18th and 19th of November, 2022.

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Tales From The Town #83: No Rooms

“What’s all that noise up there? It sounds like a herd of elephants!”

“It’s Claire, Mum!”

“She’s upset!”

“Upset about what?”

“The new rooms!”

“What new rooms?”

“The old new rooms!”

“They’ve gone, Mum!”

“Gone? Gone where?”

“Just gone.”

“Completely gone!”

“There’s not even a door there any more!”

“Just a door shaped gap in the wallpaper!”

“It’s like the lodger was never here!”

“Well that’s weird. And a bit worrying, I have to say. But what’s that got to do with Claire?”

“Claire’s furious!”

“Really furious!”

“Furious even for Claire!”

“She’s stamping her feet!”

“And screaming!”

“And blaming the lodger!”

“Again!”

“I don’t think we can blame the… the… I don’t think we can blame that man this time.”

“She wanted those rooms for herself, Mum!”

“But the lodger took them!”

“She wanted them so bad and now she’s not going to get them at all!”

“Ever!”

“Well you don’t all have to sound so pleased about it…”

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Notes:

1. Written on 31st October, 2022
2. I think.
3. I forgot to write down the date in my notebook.
4. Sorry.
5. So it might actually have been earlier in October that I wrote this one.

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Tales From The Town #82: Exit Interviews

Agnes

I’m afraid I don’t know where he’s gone. One day he was here and then he wasn’t here.

Did he leave a forwarding address or any way of contacting him?

He didn’t even leave anything in the fridge!

Anna

So you’re telling me that you knew he was a conman all this time and you did nothing and let him live here for almost a year watching him while he was watching us and didn’t even think to mention it until he’d disappeared again before you even managed to catch him and now you don’t know where he is and he’s probably just doing this all again somewhere else already?

This operation was fully agreed to and signed off by the relevant authorities. If you have any complaints about our methods, Miss, feel free to make them to the Mayor.

But no one even knows who the Mayor is!

The Mayor’s identity has been fully verified and signed off by the relevant authorities. If you have any complaints about these methods, Miss, feel free to make them to the Relevant Authorities directly.

And no one knows who the Relevant Authorities are either! Or where they’re located. Or what they do!

I assure you, Miss, that the Relevant Authorities existence has been fully confirmed by multiple sources a great number of times throughout the history of this town…

Oya

Well at least we’re getting all our stolen money back. But why did he spend a thousand pounds on my credit card just to send me a basilisk? What was the point of that?

We don’t know, exactly, Miss, but we’re looking into it.

That’s… I hope you mean metaphorically.

The Witch

Eyes! Eyes everywhere! Gleaming like jewels in the dark! I saw them! I saw them! Plain as day I saw them! I saw them and I took them! Destroyed them before they could see! Before they could see into my eyes! My eyes! Everywhere! Gleaming like jewels in the dark!

That still doesn’t explain what you were doing in the house in the first place, Ma’am.

The dolls! The dolls! I promised them! I did! I did! A witch keeps her promises! Not that you’d know anything about that, young man!

What you were doing could be considered illegal, Ma’am. If the houseowner –

Ain’t no law says a witch can’t sneak out of the woods and into the house! Ain’t no law says that at all!

Actually, Ma’am, under the terms of The Covenant (1643), it is explicitly a crime for a witch to sneak out of the woods and into someone’s house. If you’ll allow me to read from the Act….

Tina

I can’t believe he was recording us this whole time. Listening in to our private conversations. Watching us at school! Our lives becoming his entertainment! It’s just so… creepy!

Ethel

Surveillance Tape #61’s definitely my favourite. Claire nearly died!

Claire

I don’t care where he’s gone. Good riddance. I hope they never find him! Those rooms are mine now! MINE!

Daniel

I dreamt I was a cassette boy and all my tape came out and got tangled in the wind and it looked a bit like a beard but it wasn’t a beard it was my brain!

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Notes:

1. Written on 31st October, 2022

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Tales From The Town #81: Explanations Of Events

“So that’s what happened,” Tina told everyone, having relayed what she overheard her Mum telling Anna and Oya in the kitchen. “I can’t believe it. Right under our noses and we never suspected a thing!”

“I suspected a thing,” Claire said.

“So did I,” Ethel said.

“I suspected it first,” Claire said.

“We all suspected something, Claire,” Tina said. “Just not that thing.”

“Well I suspected everything,” Claire said. “And I was right!”

“Shut up Claire,” Ethel said.

“You shut up!” Claire said back.

“No you shut up!” Ethel said.

“Anyway,” Tina added. “Now we just have to hope someone finds him before he does all this again to somebody else somewhere else sometime else.”

“Before who does all what again to where and when and why?” Daniel asked.

“The LODGER!” Claire shouted. “Who else would we be talking about?”

“I don’t know,” said Daniel. “So what did he do now?”

“Tina just told us what he did, Daniel,” Ethel said.

“Oh,” Daniel said. “I wasn’t listening.”

“Well you should have been listening,” Tina said. “I’m not saying it all again.”

“But I was playing with the cat,” said Daniel.

“That’s no excuse!” Claire said. “We were all playing with the cat and we still heard.”

“Heard what?”

“Heard EVERYTHING!”

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Notes:

1. Written on October 7th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #80: Weather Report

A white heatless sun and a pale quartered moon pass like apparitions in the cloudless skies. Leaves linger on the wind. The only brightness the early fireworks that illuminate the autumnal gloom.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 12th, 2022

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