Our house is weird. Everybody says so, especially Claire, but also everybody else. Once when we were looking at photos, we discovered a picture of the house and the house was tiny. Mum looked really happy and Dad had a beard and long hair. Now everything is different and in this essay I will try and discover why.

Bottom Floor

Kitchen

Mum sits in the kitchen and listens to the radio all day long. We don’t know why. The only explanation we can think of is she is guarding the fridge like a troll.

Living Room

The living room is full of books, toys, chairs, chargers, old photos, coffee tables, dolls, cat fur, and arguments.

Hall

The hall runs from the back porch (wellies or sandals) to the front porch (coats, shoes and scarfs), and has two sets of stairs that both go upwards for some reason, and also there are doors leading to the living room, the kitchen, the room between the kitchen and the living room, the slide under the stairs, and Luke’s mirror.

Luke’s Mirror

Luke’s Mirror hangs in the hall. It cannot be moved. Luke lives in the mirror in the past, but presumably not our past, because our house was much smaller in the past, and yet the house in the mirror is exactly the same size as it is now.

Claire once tried to explain this anomaly, but it didn’t make sense.

The Room Between The Kitchen And The Living Room

This room has ALWAYS been empty and NEVER been used for ANYTHING. Daniel once had a dream that a hen lived there and laid its eggs in the fire and that’s how phoenixes are born.

The Slide Under The Stairs

There’s a slide under the stairs. Nobody else has a slide under the stairs as far as we know.

Only Claire uses the slide under the stairs because no one else trusts the slide under the stairs nor knows where it goes.

Middle Floor

Mum’s Room

Mum’s room is very purple. It even smells of purple.

Spare Room

There is too much furniture in the spare room. Nanny sleeps in here at Christmas and the cat sleeps in here whenever she wants.

Toilet Room

This room has a toilet in it but no sink. The patterns on the wall are in red velvet that have been cut out of some red velvet wallpaper.

Sink Room

This room has a sink in it but no toilet. The patterns on the wall are cut out of the red velvet wallpaper that the walls are wallpapered in

Bathroom

Daniel calls this the bathsinkroom because it contains a bath AND a sink.

Doll’s Nest

The doll’s nest is between the walls. You get to it through a tiny door that’s so well hidden we’re the only ones that know it’s there (except for the dolls, who use it all the time).

Anna and Oya’s Room

We’re only allowed in here with permission.

Anna and Oya’s Bathroom

We’re not allowed in here at all.

Not A Room

There used to be a room on this floor that was the lodger’s room but now there’s not even a door there let alone a room. No one can explain this and even if they could you wouldn’t want them to. What if the lodger’s still in there!

Therefore we do not talk about this room.

Top Floor

Our Room

Our room has: four beds, three windows, two doors, one desk, two window ledges, three bookcases, four wardrobes, three bedside cabinets, two clocks, and one chair.

You can see the moon through the window in the ceiling sometimes and that’s the best thing about our room. The worst thing about our room is [Claire’s name has been scribbled out here].

Loft (above Top Floor)

The only things in the loft at the moment are a strange old mirror and dad’s computer chair that creaks whenever you spin round on it. Tina sometimes calls this room “the psychomanteum”, but only when Daniel’s not around now, because the first time she said it he said that sounded “spooky” and wouldn’t go up there again (until eventually he did).

Claire claims that the slide under the stairs comes out here, but it doesn’t, obviously, because that would be impossible.

Basement (below bottom floor)

The basement is found beneath the house. You have to climb down a ladder to it, which you’d think would be quite exciting, but it’s not exciting at all because it’s dark down there and full of boxes of dad’s old books and records and computers and hats and nothing else. Dad doesn’t even wear hats any more and none of his computers work.

Garden (Front)

There’s not much in the front garden. Mum once made a little kennel for the bins but it blew down.

Garden (Back)

The Tree

The tree isn’t the only tree in the garden but it is the biggest tree and by far the best. One time we saw an owl in the tree, so now we always look for the owl in the tree whenever we go out there, but we’ve never seen it again. All we ever see are crows (and pigeons).

The tree is definitely older than the house because it was already huge in the old picture of the house we found where the house was really small. Yet now the house is big and it’s the tree that looks small (but not that small).

Verandah

Only mum calls this the verandah, and only when she’s drinking tea. Otherwise it’s “the decking” or “outside the back door”, which is where we’re supposed to leave our muddy shoes but Claire never does and just stomps into the kitchen making a mess and then we all get shouted at and it’s not fair at all.

The Swing

The swing is under the tree. I probably could have put this under the tree heading too, but I didn’t, I put it here instead.

Shed

The shed is always locked. Mum says Dad has the keys. Dad denies this. Who should we believe? (Mum!)

The Well

Everyone is scared of the well, except for Claire, who is very quick to tell us she isn’t scared of the well at all, actually, she just hates it. A lot.

Garden (Round The Sides)

Weird Old Fence Panel We Lean Our Bikes Against

We lean our bikes up against this weird old fence panel that isn’t attached to any other fence panels at all. Tina says it might not even be a fence but a trellis. Now Daniel keeps saying trellis and it’s annoying.

Tap

Why’s there a tap outside?! And why’s the water so cold.

Slug Hole

This hole has slugs in it. From its position and internal trajectory, we believe the hidden slug factory within must be located somewhere beneath the verandah.

Conclusion

No one knows why our house is so big. Nanny says it used to be so small no one even knew it was there. Mum says it’s all Dad’s fault. Dad refuses to say what happened, although he did once admit that “things got out of hand” and that “he’s sorry”. Anna and Oya say it’s not that big but at least it’s quite cheap and we aren’t too annoying too often, which is nice. The dolls contradicted each other, twice. The cat just purred.

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Notes:

1. Written in June 2025