Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator is a text simulator recreating a trip to an Ikea store on a Saturday afternoon. Any resemblance to real places, times, trips, and/or days of the week are purely incidental.
Also, it is now on itch.io, for some reason (if you want to follow me there).
__________
1. Consequential Complaints
Claire looked down at the floor, stamped her feet, and howled.
“This is all the lodger’s fault!”
“Oh come on, Claire,” Agnes said. “How is any of this the lodger’s fault?”
“If it wasn’t for the lodger,” Claire explained. “We wouldn’t even be here!”
“What? He’s at work, Claire? He doesn’t even know where we are?”
“He broke the swing!”
“But I fixed the swing.”
“It’s not the same. What if it breaks again? I don’t trust it.”
“But what’s any of this got to do with you dropping your ice cream?”
“Right in the dog’s muck!”
“Daniel! Don’t rub it in.”
“Because if he hadn’t broken the swing we wouldn’t have come to the park and you wouldn’t have bought us ice creams and I wouldn’t have seen Carolina and she wouldn’t have waved at me and I wouldn’t have waved back and my ice cream wouldn’t have gone flying!”
“Into all the dog’s muck!”
“Daniel!”
“I hate the lodger so much!”
2. Monetary Complaints
“I can’t believe you spent a thousand pounds on that!”
“I didn’t!”
“That’s what the invoice says!”
“But I didn’t buy it!”
“Well someone did, Oya. And it wasn’t me.”
“They must have hacked my credit card. Again.”
“Why would anyone hack your credit card just to spend a thousand pounds on that?”
“I don’t know, Anna.”
“And then send it to you?”
“I don’t know!”
“At your own house? Under your own name?”
“I don’t know!”
“What is it, anyway?”
“I don’t know…”
“Why’s it moving like that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think it’s… alive?”
3. Endless Complaints
“Mum! Claire’s cheating!”
“Mum! Tina’s telling tales on me!”
“Mum! Claire’s telling tales on Tina!”
“Mum! Ethel’s telling tales on me!”
“Mum! Claire’s telling tales on Ethel!”
Of all the Saturdays, it was the Saturdays when it was raining that Agnes hated beyond all the others.
“Mum! Claire’s cheating!”
__________
Notes:
1. Written on 21st September, 2022
2. The bit about Saturdays is adapted from the lyrics to Fear Of The Unknown And The Blazing Sun by Colin Stetson (and Laurie Anderson)
Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator is a one joke text adventure designed to simulate the experience of going to Ikea on a Saturday afternoon (other times of day and/or days of the week are available upon request).
Begin your Saturday afternoon Ikea trip simulation here
___________
Notes:
1. Made between October 30th and November 2nd, 2021
2. It’s made in TWINE, so should hopefully work in all and any browsers, but I cannot guarantee it.
3. I haven’t actually been to an Ikea in two years so it’s possible this is by now all horribly out of date.
4. I will hopefully never find out enough to know.
5. For more information about Ikea, please read this important piece of reportage, live from my 40th birthday
Its strange. this is such a small town, yet every day I see so many famous people. Already this morning I’ve seen:
1. Billy Lash (the cartoonist)
2. Harry Headlaw (rugby international)
3. Iris Hymns (mp for steeple and stow)
4. Ragnar Klamps (european envoy for regional industry)
(those two were studiously ignoring each other while they queued for their baguettes)
5. Mandy Sandlebrot (electroclash superstar)
6. Sandy Mandlebrot (equation error)
7. Eliza Fade (local ghost)
8. John (singular entity)
9. Dan Dare (dan dare)
I only went out to buy some bulbs for mother.
__________
Notes:
1. Written on 7th March, 2020
2. A Saturday