Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator

<h2>Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator</h2> It is Saturday afternoon. You are near Ikea. You have no idea how you got here. You are with your partner/flatmate/mother/children/no one/everyone. You have no wish to enter, but there is an inevitability to events that suggests fate is more than a concept. There is no escape for you now. [[ENTER THE STORE]] __________________________ <small><b>Credits: </b><i>Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator</i> was written and designed by David Guy in 2021. If you liked this you might also like <a href="https://accumulationofthings.com/things/2020/04/30/fifteen-monsters-all-in-a-row/">Fifteen Monsters All In A Row</a>, another text adventure game I made with my niece and nephew (in 2020). <b>Support:</b> <a href="https://www.patreon.com/davidguy">patreon</a> or <a href="https://ko-fi.com/davidnguy">ko-fi</a></small>

You are in the lobby. You hate Ikea. [[Go up the stairs]] [[Go to the toilets]] [[Leave Ikea]]

You go up the stairs. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Go to the canteen]] [[Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]] [[Linger at the top of the stairs for maybe a millisecond while you ponder the choice]] [[Go back down the stairs]]

You are in the Ikea toilets. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Use the toilet]] [[Wash your hands]] [[Dry your hands]] [[Look in the mirror]] [[Leave the toilets|ENTER THE STORE]]

You use the Ikea toilets. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Use the toilet again|Use the toilet]] [[Wash your hands]] [[Dry your hands]] [[Look in the mirror]] [[Leave the toilets|ENTER THE STORE]]

You wash your hands in the sinks in the Ikea toilets. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Use the toilet]] [[Wash your hands again|Wash your hands]] [[Dry your hands]] [[Look in the mirror]] [[Leave the toilets|ENTER THE STORE]]

You dry your hands using the hand dryer in the Ikea toilets. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Use the toilet]] [[Wash your hands]] [[Dry your hands for a little bit longer|Dry your hands]] [[Look in the mirror]] [[Leave the toilets|ENTER THE STORE]]

You look at yourself in the mirror. You can see that you're in the toilets in Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Use the toilet]] [[Wash your hands]] [[Dry your hands]] [[Look in the mirror for a little bit longer]] [[Leave the toilets|ENTER THE STORE]]

You look at yourself in the mirror for a little bit longer. You can see yourself reflected in your own eyes. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Use the toilet]] [[Wash your hands]] [[Dry your hands]] [[Look in the mirror for a little bit longer|Look in the mirror even more]] [[Leave the toilets|ENTER THE STORE]]

You look at yourself in the mirror. There is nothing behind your eyes but weariness and loss. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Use the toilet]] [[Wash your hands]] [[Dry your hands]] [[Look in the mirror]] [[Leave the toilets|ENTER THE STORE]]

You cannot leave. The entrance is not an exit. You hate Ikea. [[Go up the stairs]] [[Go to the toilets]]

The canteen is busy. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Join the queue that snakes around for several hundred miles like an intestinal coil]] [[Turn around and go the other way|Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]]

You enter the Living Room department. Facsimiles of rooms unsettlingly off in some Philip K. Dickian way. Everything is rotten and dead just out of sight beneath the surface of things. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Nod your head to words you aren't really listening to|nodlivingroom]] [[Shake your head at words you aren't really listening to|shakelivingroom]] [[Stare at something you will never ever buy for longer than it really needs staring at|starelivingroom]] [[Move on towards the next section|sofabeds]]

You linger at the top of the stairs to think about where to go. The sound of a thousand people tutting and moaning as you delay them infinitesimally instantly follows. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Go to the canteen]] [[Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]]

You cannot go back down the stairs. There are too many people there. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Go to the canteen]] [[Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]]

You join the queue. It is long. It is slow. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Take a cake from the fridge|Shuffle onwards]] [[Shuffle onwards]]

You are still in the queue. You seem no nearer the end. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Take a stale open sandwich with something resembling prawns on it from the fridge|Shuffle onwards some more]] [[Shuffle onwards|Shuffle onwards some more]]

You are still in the queue. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Take a bottle of something you assume is probably lemony from the colour of the sticker on it from the fridge|Shuffle onwards some more again]] [[Shuffle onwards|Shuffle onwards some more again]]

You emerge from the queue. You enter another queue You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Order the fish and chips and peas|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]] [[Order the meatballs|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]] [[Order the slightly larger plate of meatballs|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]] [[Order the vegetarian option|The vegetarian option is unavaialable]] [[Shuffle onwards|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]]

You emerge from the second queue and enter a third queue. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Order a coffee and then pay for everything and then go and get your own coffee|order and pay]] [[Order a cup of tea and then pay for everything and then go and get your own cup of tea|order and pay]] [[Order some sugarless fizzy drink and then pay for everything and then go and get your own cup of sugarless fizzy drink|order and pay]] [[Pay for everything without getting a drink]] [[Abandon your tray of food and leave the queue in a huff, annoying everyone, even yourself]]

The vegetarian option is unavaialable. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Order the fish and chips and peas|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]] [[Order the meatballs|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]] [[Order the slightly larger plate of meatballs|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]] [[Shuffle onwards|Shuffle onwards some more again once more]]

You pay for your food and then look around for a table but there are no tables spare. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Eat standing up by the window]] [[Eat crouching down in the corner]] [[Stand around and wait until a table is free]]

You abandon your tray of food and leave the queue in the huff and storm off towards the shop, annoying absolutely everyone in the entire world, including yourself, and especially everyone you are with. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[You walk off towards the labyrinth of the store because there is nowhere else to go|Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]]

You pay for your food and then go to the drinks machine and then pour yourself a drink and then look around for a table but there are no tables spare. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Eat standing up by the window]] [[Eat crouching down in the corner]] [[Stand around and wait until a table is free]]

You eat standing up by the window in the corner. The view is of a car park. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Put your empty tray on the rack for empty trays]] [[Leave your tray on the windowledge and go shopping]]

You eat crouching down in the corner. The food tastes of nothing. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Put your empty tray on the rack for empty trays]] [[Leave your tray on the floor and go shopping]]

You stand around and wait for a table to become free but no tables become free at all. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Eat standing up by the window]] [[Eat crouching down in the corner]] [[Stand around a little longer and wait for a table becomes free|Stand around and wait until a table is free]]

All the slots are full of trays already and so is the bit above the slots and the bins are overflowing and there's a cupboard with cleaning supplies in it and the top of that has a stack of trays teetering precariously ready to fall but you put your tray on there and run away before the inevitable crash. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[You walk off towards the labyrinth of the store because there is nowhere else to go|Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]]

You leave your empty tray on the floor and go off to the main part of the store. Everyone looks at you and tuts. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[You walk off towards the labyrinth of the store because there is nowhere else to go|Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]]

You leave your empty tray on the windowledge and go off to the main part of the store. At least two people look at you and tut. A third just sighs in disgust. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[You walk off towards the labyrinth of the store because there is nowhere else to go|Follow the path into the labyrinth of the store]]

You nod your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|sofabeds]]

You shake your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|sofabeds]]

You stare at a poster on the wall. It is so bland it actively repels understanding. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|sofabeds]]

You are surrounded by sofa beds. There is not a single one that would ever fit in your room. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Nod your head to words you aren't really listening to|nodsofa]] [[Shake your head at words you aren't really listening to|shakesofa]] [[Stare at something you will never ever buy for longer than it really needs staring at|staresofa]] [[Move on towards the next section|bookcases]]

You nod your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|bookcases]]

You shake your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|bookcases]]

You stare and stare as someone demonstrates the sofa bed's opening/closing mechanism. It is impossible to grasp. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|bookcases]]

The next section is full of Billy bookcases in every possible configuration. Some of them even have doors on the front, utterly ruining the simplistic utility of a bookcase. They also sell CD racks. You can no longer remember what year it is. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Nod your head to words you aren't really listening to|nodbookcases]] [[Shake your head at words you aren't really listening to|shakebookcases]] [[Stare at something you will never ever buy for longer than it really needs staring at|starebookcases]] [[Move on towards the next section|office]]

You nod your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|office]]

You shake your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|office]]

You stare at the wall. You stare at the ceiling. You stare at the floor. There is no difference between the three as far as you can tell. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|office]]

The home office section promises the joys of work in the privacy of your own home. Nowhere now is free from this despair. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Nod your head to words you aren't really listening to|nodoffice]] [[Shake your head at words you aren't really listening to|shakeoffice]] [[Stare at something you will never ever buy for longer than it really needs staring at|stareoffice]] [[Move on towards the next section|kitchens]]

You nod your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|kitchens]]

You shake your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|kitchens]]

You stare at a filing cabinet for so long without moving it feels like you are back at work, even though you aren't back at work, you are in Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|kitchens]]

The thought of buying an entire new kitchen from Ikea fills you with a shivering revulsion you can't quite explain. The kitchen sales staff stare expectantly at you as you enter. You stare abjectly at the knives instead and dream of death. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on towards the next section|diningroom]] [[Take the shortcut hidden in the corner|bookcasesshortcut]]

The tables are too small. The tables are too big. There is no middle ground. Goldilocks would not survive here. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Nod your head to words you aren't really listening to|noddining]] [[Shake your head at words you aren't really listening to|shakedining]] [[Stare at something you will never ever buy for longer than it really needs staring at|staredining]] [[Move on towards the next section|bedroom]]

You nod your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|bedroom]]

You shake your head without listening to a word that is said. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|bedroom]]

You stare and stare yet nothing ever coalesces into meaning. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|bedroom]]

Why are Ikea beds different sizes to all other known beds? You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Nod your head to words you aren't really listening to|nodbeds]] [[Shake your head at words you aren't really listening to|shakebeds]] [[Stare at something you will never ever buy for longer than it really needs staring at|starebeds]] [[Move on towards the next section|childrens]] [[Take the shortcut that lurks like a mirage between two particulalry unappealing mock bedrooms|shortcutbookcases2]]

You stare and stare. You don't understand a thing you see. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|childrens]]

The children's section is full of the most desultory toys ever imagined, and also that playmat that has some roads and a carpark drawn on it. To crawl upon it is to lose all feeling below the knees. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Nod your head to words you aren't really listening to|nodchildrens]] [[Shake your head at words you aren't really listening to|shakechildrens]] [[Stare at something you will never ever buy for longer than it really needs staring at|starechildrens]] [[Move on towards the next section|choice]]

You stare at a toy. It is haunted. It is haunting you. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on|choice]]

You emerge from the Ikean labyrinth and finally have a choice to make. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Go to the canteen]] [[Enter the other bit of Ikea where you can actually do some shopping instead of just writing co-ordinates down on a scrap of paper with a pencil too short to hold]]

There are trolleys here but no baskets. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Take a trolley]] [[Don't take a trolley]]

You take a trolley just in case you buy something even though you don't want to buy anything you just want to go home now you just want to see the sky again one last time before the end. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Slowly push the trolley onwards]]

You slowly push the trolley onwards. There are lots of plates and glasses and cups here. You feel like even just looking at them will cause them to crack. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Yeah|yesplates]] [[No|noplates]] [[Don't know|maybeplates]]

The short cut takes you back to the room full of Billy bookcases. When you turn around to go back the shortcut has been closed by a member of staff. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on towards the next section|office]]

The short cut takes you back to the room full of Billy bookcases. When you turn around to go back the shortcut has disappeared as if it never existed. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move on towards the next section|office]]

You don't take a trolley because you aren't going to buy anything. Your companion in this adventure takes one instead, and then lets you take it. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Slowly push the trolley onwards]]

You buy some wine glasses even though you already have seventeen thousand wine glasses at home. You don't even drink wine. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move forward|cookshop]]

You look at the plates and the wine glasses and another sort of plates and the other type of wine glasses and refuse point blank to buy any of them. Several still end up in your trolley. They cannot be removed. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move forward|cookshop]]

You become lost in indecision over whether or not to buy some fucking mugs that cost less than a pound. You are as broken as a human can be. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Move forward|cookshop]]

Everything was cookware. You do not need any pots, pans, wooden spoons, plastic spoons, metal lemon squeezers, plastic lemon squeezers, synthetic chopping boards, wooden chopping boards, synthetic chopping boards that look like wooden chopping boards, or cutlery that's surprisingly unpleasant to hold. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Buy a pot|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a pan|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a wooden spoon|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a plastic spoon|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a metal lemon squeezer|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a plastic lemon squeezer|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a synthetic chopping board|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a wooden chopping board|beddingstuff]] [[Buy a synthetic chopping board that looks like a wooden chopping board|beddingstuff]] [[Buy some cutlery that's surprisingly unpleasant to hold|beddingstuff]] [[Buy all of the above|beddingstuff]]

You put things in your trolley without even grasping what they are, and then move on to where the bedsheets are. The bedsheets are proprietory Ikea bedsheets incompatible with all other beds. Even the pillowcases are the wrong size somehow. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Buy a pillow just so you can also buy a pillowcase|bathroomstuff]] [[Buy a pillowcase and then buy a pillow so you'll at least have something that fits inside it properly|bathroomstuff]]

They have everything you could ever need for your bathroom. Mirrors, shelves, racks, hangers, holders. It is all here, gleaming some faked chromium gleam. Whatever you buy will have begun to rust by the time you get home, even the things made of plastic. Even the things made of stone. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Buy a flannel in the hope that that will be enough|frames]]

Picture frames come in every size but all the standard photo and print sizes. The more expensive the frame, the more terribly it is made. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[It no longer matters what you do. Everything here is futile|lights]]

There are lamps. There are lightbulbs. Neither are compatible with the other. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Accidentally listen to the song playing on the store radio against all better jugdement]]

You accidentally listen to the song playing on the store radio against all your better judgement. You can't remember what it is but you feel like you should remember what it is and you can't stop thinking about what it is. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Try to remember even harder what song it is]]

You fail entirely to remember anything about the song beyond how much you hate it. Whatever it is, it has now lodged itself inside your skull and cannot be removed by anthing other than something even more half remembered and terrible which will no doubt be along in a minute if you make the mistake of accidentally listening to the store radio again. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Stumble onwards towards the end]]

Fuck off with your plastic potted plants, Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Take the escalator down]]

You enter the warehouse. You are handed a piece of paper with the bays and shelves and box numbers and part numbers of all the things you've somehow decided to buy on it. It is possible to pinpoint the exact location of a single centimetre square on anywhere on surface of the entire earth in less digits than are needed to locate the spare Billy bookcase shelves you're currently looking for. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Wander in confusion through the world's most dispiriting fetch quest for what seems like hours before heading for the tills]]

There are two types of tills beyond the warehouse. There are the tills that have a staff member who actually knows how to use them using them, and there are tills that you have to use yourself even though you have no idea how to use them because you don't come to Ikea often enough to remember how to use them. Every till has a queue of exactly equal length attached. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Staffed till]] [[Self-service till]] [[No till because you have no items to buy]]

Your shopping costs £342.63. You hate everything single thing you have bought. At least it's over now. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Slowly push your trolley off towards the exit]]

You use the self service till. After putting everything through, you are told that they need to manually check it as part of their anti-shoplifting checks. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Follow staff member over to the staffed till|Staffed till]]

You buy a fucking Daim bar and you eat the fucking Daim bar and it's every bit as fucking terrible as every other Daim bar has ever fucking been. £4.95 for ten. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Leave Ikea|Leave Ikea 2]]

You buy some Loganberry juice. There is nothing about Loganberry juice that can be remembered. No traces of its taste remain in this world. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Leave Ikea|Leave Ikea 2]]

You push your trolley through the exit doors and step outside into the light. Your car is over six miles away at the far end of the car park. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Slowly wend your way through the car park]]

Your shopping doesn't fit in your car without taking up all the available space. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Look up at the sky and let the rain wash away your tears]]

You weep for longer than you can know. You lose all sense of self and time and place. You no longer know where you are. [[Look around and try and find your bearings|Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator]]

Even though you have no shopping you still have to choose one because there is no other means of escape. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Staffed till]] [[Self-service till]]

Before the exit there's another till where you can buy some Daim bars. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. You hate Ikea. [[Buy a fucking Daim bar]] [[Don't buy a fucking Daim bar]]