Tales From The Town #123: The End Of Ignorance, or Technological Solutions To Previously Insoluble Problems

“AI is amazing,” Antione told the gathered audience of potential technological enthusiasts. “It can do anything! It knows everything! Never again shall we have to think and wonder when we can simply ask and know!”

There was a moment of awed silence that went on for quite a bit longer than Antione was expecting.

“So, c’mon kids, you must have something you want to ask it?”

“Dad, we’re playing with the campfire,” Claire said, as her and Daniel poked it with sticks and sent great clouds of smoke billowing through the cave. “We don’t have time to talk to a creepy dead doll with a phone in its skull.”

“It’s not creepy,” Antoine said. “I thought you liked dolls.”

“Wait, that doll’s yours?” Tina said. “I thought it was something Claire had stolen from the witch’s house.”

“I don’t steal things,” Claire said. “I take them.”

“That’s the same thing,” Ethel said.

“You’re the same thing,” Claire said.

“Maybe,” Antoine said, trying to return the topic of conversation back to its original path. “We could ask the AI whether stealing and taking are the same thing.”

“Couldn’t you just ask us, Dad?” Tina said. “Because we all know the answer to that. Even Claire knows. She just pretends she doesn’t.”

“I don’t pretend anything,” Claire said. “I just DO!”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Ethel said.

“You don’t make any sense,” Claire said.

“Maybe we could just ask the…”

“Shut up, Dad!”

“Claire! Don’t you dare tell dad to shut up!”

“I can tell who I want to shut up!”

“No you can’t!”

“CAN!”

“CAN’T!”

“Daniel,” Antoine said quietly. “I bet you’ve got a question or two about things, right?”

“In the mouth of the cavern a dragon sleeps,” Daniel said, throwing a pinecone onto the fire to make it belch flames and smoke out again. “And in the dragon’s mouth there’s a cavern you can sleep in.” Daniel looked up from the flames and stared through the smoke at Antoine. “So how do we know if we’re the dragon in the cave or the cave in the dragon?”

Antoine looked back through the smoke at Daniel.

“That question was for the doll,” Daniel added.

“Oh right,” Antoine said, slightly relieved, “Er, did you hear that, little dollAI? Are we the dragon in the cave or the cave in the dragon?”

The doll did not respond.

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Notes:

1. Written on 26th May, 2023

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Tales From The Town #79: Beneath The Witch’s Hat

These were just some of the things the dolls had seen the witch pull from beneath her hat as she went about her work, or so they said.

1. Needle. 2. Thread. 3. Wool. 4. Twine. 5. Yarn. 6. Wire. 7. Ligament. 8. Vein. 9. Small patch of cloth. 10. Small patch of leather. 11. Small tuft of hair. 12. Handheld catapult. 13. Model trebuchet. 14. Glass eye (several). 15. Pebbles (various). 16. Marbles (bag of). 17. Earth (handful). 18. Potted plant (japonica). 19. Potted plant (rose, with thorns). 20. Potted plant (assortment of cacti). 21. Potted plant (bonsai). 22. Small hat. 23. Large hat. 24. Medium hat. 25. Clockwork brain. 26. Clockwork heart/lungs. 27. Clockwork Bagpuss. 28. Cloth Bagpuss. 29. Flesh Bagpuss. 30. Newts. 31. Fungal spores. 32. Epoxy resin. 33. Gloy 33. That glue that smells like fish. 34. Doll’s leg (left). 35. Doll’s arm (reversible). 36. Butterfly swarm (as distraction). 37. Night. 38. Telescope. 39. Reading glasses. 39. Writing glasses. 40. Microscope. 41. Electron (singular). 42. Proton (en masse). 43. Molecular model (for illustrative purposes). 44. Skull (mouse). 45. Skull (deer). 46. Skull (own). 47. Skull (other). 48. 17 inch metal spike. 49. 11 inch metal spike. 50. 7 inch wooden spike. 51. Chopstick (wooden). 52. Another chopstick (porcelain). 53. Third chopstick (superfluous). 54. Fluff. 55. Lint. 56. Dust. 57. Shoebox (filled with playing cards). 58. Shoebox (filled with teeth). 59. Shoebox (spiders). 60. Shoebox (misc. other items). 61. Toothbrush. 62. Paint (yellow). 63. Paint (white). 62. Hairbrush. 63. Unidentified herbs . 64. Sausage wrapped in bandages. 65. Bread. 66. Photo of the house. 67. Photo of photo of the house. 68. Well water (bucket of). 69. Eel. 70. Heron. 71. Stopwatch. 72. Polaroid camera. 73. Reading monocle. 74. Writing monocle. 75. 1:5000 scale model of town. 76. The mayor. 77. Conker (on string). 78. Acorn (on string). 79. Walnut (no attachments). 80. Rest of Walnut Whirl. 81. Calipers. 82. Bell jar of unidentified eggs in viscous fluid. 83. Salt. 84. False teeth. 85. Actual lips. 86. Tongue (with working papillae). 87. Napkin. 88. An entire doll. 89. List containing items pulled from beneath the witch’s hat already containing its own entry right there on the page, as well as several subsequent items. 90-99. Several subsequent items.

LIST ENDS

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Notes:

1. Written on April 4th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #78: In The Woods In The Early Autumn

1. The witch only celebrated palindromic birthdays. 101 was her favourite so far. She didn’t consider the single digit years to truly count. Even the two digit ones seemed a little suspect, but she forgave them simply because otherwise she’d have had none before today.

2. An exodus of dolls at dawn. Crawling, walking, tottering, skittering. Past the cherry tree and the swing and the well and the hollow and the copse and the abandoned boat.

3. Not for the witch a present given. Instead, from her a promise extracted. Cackles of glee, watched by eyes wide in terror.

4. Up above, the crows circled above the hill like vultures. In the trees all around squirrels whispered secrets to each other like sentient social media accounts. And down below, cats patrolled the woods like, well, cats. Anything that moved was pounced upon with the utmost glee. Prisoners subsequently released purely so they could be caught again, tormented some more.

5. On their return, the children couldn’t help but notice the way the doll’s dresses were covered in jam, the way their lips were smeared with icing, crumbs speckling their hair like dirt. No amount of questions would make the dolls admit where it was they had been, nor what it was they had done, why it was their eyes were tinged with so much shame.

6. All they would say was that it was done now. There was no turning back.

7. “What does that even mean?!” Claire said loudly.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 17th and 18th, 2022, and also a little bit extra on October 7th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #69: Surveillance Tapes (5-7)

5. Anna and Oya’s room (evening)

Oya: Sometimes I wonder if we already know everything there is to know about each other. Everything we’ve said. Everything we’ve done. Everything we’ve felt.
Anna: There’s always more to learn than we currently know.
Oya: That sounds like the sort of thing you’d find painted on a piece of driftwood in a coffee shop by the sea.
Anna: I actually used to own a coffee shop by the sea.
Oya: Really?
Anna: Well, not exactly own. I sort of inherited it one summer.
Oya: How do you sort of inherit a coffee shop?
Anna: One of my aunts was ill and everyone else had jobs and I was 18 and considered by almost everyone in the family to be both responsible enough and boring enough to run it instead. Which basically meant nobody else wanted to look after it for my aunt while my aunt was ill so I had to instead.
Oya: I see. How come you’ve never mentioned this before?
Anna: Well, it’s not exactly interesting, is it?
Oya: It sounds quite interesting to me. I want to hear all about it now. So where was it?
Anna: By the sea. I already told you that. Sometimes the waves would come rushing through the door and you had to sit on the tables instead of the chairs. I’d send the cups of coffee across the room on little paper boats.
Oya: Is any of this actually true?
Anna: It might be. It could be. You’ll never know for sure.
Oya: (sigh) I really need to find my phone.

6. Bathroom (bedtime)

Claire: Who’s been using my toothbrush?!
Tina: No one’s been using your brush, Claire.
Ethel: Your brush is the worst.
Claire: It’s not.
Ethel: It is. You bite it all the time and now the bristles go everywhere!
Claire: They do not!
Daniel: It’s like brushing your teeth with a hedgehog.
Claire: It’s nothing like that at all!
Daniel: Or a porcupine.
Claire: So you have been using my toothbrush?
Daniel: Or a pinecone.
Claire: I told you someone had been using my toothbrush!
Daniel: A pincushion pinecone porcupine porpoisecone.
Claire: Shut up and brush your teeth, Daniel! No talking!

7. Corridor (night)

(unidentified voices rising then falling)

“… watching!”
“He’s listening!”
“He’s stealing!”
“He’s nasty!”
“He’s creepy!”
“He’s evil!”
“He’s in our rooms!”
“He’s in our heads!”
“He’s in our dreams!”
“We have to tell someone!”
“We have to get help!”
“From the little ones!”
“The little ones!”
“The little ones!”
“They have to stop him!”
“Before it’s too late!”
“It’s too late!”
“Too late!”
“Late!”
“…..”

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Notes:

1. Written on May 20th-21st, 2022

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Tales From The Town #17: Emergency Repairs

“There, there, little one,” the witch said. “All done now.”

The doll slowly raised her stiff little arm up and touched her stiff little face with her stiff little hand. She blinked and winked and chuckled. She had a new eye! Now she wouldn’t look so creepy at all!

“It suits you,” the witch said, as the doll fluttered those stiff little eyelids at her. She leaned down and wiped a droplet of blood from the doll’s cheek. “I don’t know where the crows find them. And still fresh too. I bet you could cry now if you wanted to.”

The doll shook her head and gave an eerie little giggle instead. She was too happy to cry.

“Now, let’s talk about my fee,” the witch said. “I hope you’ve got a good secret for me, dearie?”

The doll nodded her stiff little head and then stood up on her stiff little legs and tottered over to the edge of the table and whispered her secret into the witch’s ear.

“Ooh, that is a good little secret,” the witch said. “A good little secret indeed!”

In the queue by the door, the other broken little dolls all strained to hear what their sister said. They hoped her secret wasn’t the same as theirs. The last thing a doll wanted was to be in debt to a witch.

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Notes:

1. Written between the 4th and the 6th of May, 2021

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