Saturday Afternoon Ikea Trip Simulator is a text simulator recreating a trip to an Ikea store on a Saturday afternoon. Any resemblance to real places, times, trips, and/or days of the week are purely incidental.
Also, it is now on itch.io, for some reason (if you want to follow me there).
In Ted’s collection of Ted’s things in Ted’s shoeboxes in Ted’s shed in Ted’s Mum’s garden there currently resided:
1. Spider (large)
2. Spiders (small)
3. Cockroach collection
4. Mouse (dead) + maggots (not dead)
5. Slow worm
6. Fast worm
7. More worms (various speeds)
8. [Escaped]
9. Stick insect
10. Stick that looks like an insect
11. Cocoon (unknown inhabitant)
12. Wasps’ nest (empty)
13. Bee hive (full)
14. Ant colony (writhing)
15. Cat (asleep)
16. Rock that looks like a fossil but probably isn’t a fossil
17. Rock that doesn’t look like a fossil but actually is a fossil
18. Assorted skulls
19. Assorted bones
20. Snails
21. Slugs
22. Slugs AND snails
23. Venus fly traps (plus slugs)
24. Shoes (plus snails)
25. Feathers (unsorted)
26. Eggs (dozen)
27. Discarded Selenite shell
28. Doll (awake)
29. Rusted toy car collection (plus a space shuttle)
30. Toenails/teeth (own)
31-50. [Awaiting exhibits]
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Notes:
1. Written on 26th May, 2023
2. Ted previously appeared in Tale #34: The Boy With The Box
3. In case you had forgotten such a memorable chapter in all our lives
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Notes:
1. For some reason this is what the guardian looks like on my ipad now
2. I quite like it
3. And secretly hope it never changes back
“What are watching, Tina?” Claire asked, snatching Tina’s phone out of her hand to have a look.
“Nothing,” Tuna said, snatching it back to try and stop Claire having a look.
“Well it looks like something!” Claire said, as the phone snatching loop slowly reached equilibrium and it was finally held uneasily exactly midway between both of them. “Wait, what ARE you watching?”
“Nothing,” Tina said. “You wouldn’t like it anyway.”
“I might,” Claire said. “Who’s that?”
“That’s the nice girl,” Tina said. “She’s the main character.”
“And who’s that?”
“That’s the nice boy,” Tina told her. “They’re neighbours.”
“And what’s that?!”
“That’s the nice dog who lives down the lane,” Tina said.
“How stupid,” Claire said. “Who’s ever heard of a nice dog?”
“I have,” Daniel said, much to the cat’s consternation.
“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire said.
“Mum likes dogs too,” Ethel said.
“Only the bad ones,” Claire said. Then she looked back at the phone. “So what are they doing now?”
“They’re having a poetry competition.”
“I thought you hated poetry competitions,” Claire said.
“I do,” Tina said. “And so do they. They’re only in it because their very nice and well-meaning but actually slightly naive teacher hoped it might bring them out of their shells.”
“They don’t even have shells,” Claire said.
“Unlike Claire,” said Daniel, much to the cat’s amusement.
“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire said. “So, wait, are those their poems?” She pointed to the text at the bottom of the screen and read it out slowly and loudly.
“‘Artistic endeavour is not a competitive pursuit.'”
“See?” Tina said. “That’s exactly what I think too. They’re so nice!”
“So stupid, more like,” Claire said. “What sort of poem is that?”
“They’re not poems, Claire. they’re subtitles,” Tina said, as on screen the nice boy told the nice girl that his poems were so personal not even he was allowed to read them and he’d written them, himself, all on his own.
“Why have you got subtitles on?” Claire said. “It’s TV not Read Me!”
“Mine are so personal I only ever wrote them in dust,” the nice girl said. “So that the wind can blow them away as soon as they’re done.”
“Because you won’t shut up and let her hear what they’re saying, Claire,” Ethel said.
“Don’t you tell me to shut up, Ethel!” Claire said. “You shut up!”
“No you!”
“Maybe you could both shut up,” Tina suggested.
“NO!”
“Hey everyone!” Agnes said, as she came in through the front door and popped her head round the corner to say hi. “You all having fun in here?”
“Mum, you won’t believe what Tina’s making us watch in here,” Claire said. “It’s total rubbish!”
“It’s not,” Tina said. “It’s nice.”
“Yeah! Nice and boring!” Claire said. “Honestly, Mum, it’s even worse than Blue Peter!”
“I like Blue Peter,” Daniel said, much to the cat’s complete disbelief. “They make things out of toilet rolls.”
“You’re made out of toilet rolls,” Claire said, as Tina sighed loudly. “Yeah, and so are you, Tina!”
Tina shook her head and slowly faded out of existence and disappeared sadly back to her room. Her phone hovered in the air for a second, before falling to the ground, much to the cat’s sudden startlement.
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Notes:
1. Written on April 6th, 2023
The cat was on the trampoline again, leaping, bouncing, wailing, crying. It was impossible to tell if it was having fun or not, and even if anyone had been awake, no one would have dared come down to see.
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Notes:
1. Written on May 16th, 2023