Tales From The Town #197: The Sad Clown

The sad clown wasn’t sad at all. His frown was painted on, and his tears were all for show.

No one trusted a happy man. Smiles, good cheer, friendliness, it all made everyone feel uncomfortable. It just wasn’t worth the hassle.

So now he lived his lie
all alone
in the silence and solitude
of his own happy home.

___________

Notes:

1. Written on October 16th, 2024

how to perform an exorcism

My mind is a fucking torment of ideas
and i’m not sure how AI
is supposed to help assuage them

the only way to perform an exorcism
is to rip the ghosts out by hand

___________

Notes:

1. Written on November 8th, 2024

Quest Heroes (Card Game)

It was half term last week, and my niece and nephew were here. So I made them a card game version of hero quest, because they both love hero quest for some reason (the reason is THE GARGOYLE!). So here’s Quest Heroes: The Card Game (not final name).

How To Play

Each player picks a team of four characters, and places them on their game board. Each character has varying starting stats in three categories: health, shield and barrier (which defends everyone, and has to be depleted first before you can harm the individual characters themselves).

On each turn, you throw four dice, and use them on your characters moves in any fashion you like. Which is nice. Some moves need specific dice combinations, some use the actual numbers thrown, some can be used with any dice. Once you’ve used your four dice, it’s the next players turns, and so on, until someone wins.

Barrier gets hit first, then shield, and finally health (unless the move you’re using explicitly bypasses either barrier or shield). If you use one of your multi player attack moves while there’s still some barrier, it’ll be absorbed by that first (so if, for example, you can do 3 damage to everyone, but there’s 2 barrier in place, you’ll do 2 damage to the barrier, and only then will you do 1 damage to everyone left).

Once a character is reduced to 0 health, they’re dead and out of the game (until revived, maybe). When all four cards are dead, you lose and your opponent wins. And then you can play it again with different cards I suppose.

The Cards

There’s four teams of characters vaguely based on the various Hero Quest classes – heroes (red piece), orcs (green pieces), undead (white pieces) and bosses (grey characters). You don’t have to use the preset teams, although you can if you want.

Cards are shown below, and then even further below that, there’s transcripts of the cards themselves, because they’re essentially unreadable on screen (and in real life too, due to my handwriting).

Heroes

The Barbarian
Stats: HP – 12; Shield – 0; Barrier – 0
Description: The Barbarian never wears any clothes and no one knows why (This means he never has any shield or armour on at all).
Moves:
1. PUNCH! – Does 3 damage, no matter the value of the dice.
2. KICK! – Does 1 dice worth of damage
3. HEADBUTT! – Does 1 dice +3 worth of damage, but also does 3 damage to the Barbarian’s own head.
4. SWORD!!!!! – Needs a 6 on one dice. Does 3 damage to every enemy (although if you use this you can’t use any of the Barbarian’s other moves this turn).

The Dwarf
Stats – HP – 8; Shield – 8; Barrier – 0
Description: The Dwarf’s wrapped up in so much chainmail he can only use 1 move a turn (until his chainmail’s all gone)
Moves:
1. Hammer! – Does 1 dice of damage to one enemy
2. Hammer!! – Does 1 dice of souble damage to shields (but can’t harm barriers at all, and only does normal damage to health)
3. Hammer!!! Fixes your shield/armour by 1 dice +2 (also works on your teammates too)
4. Hammer!!!! – Does 4 damageto every opponents shield, but needs 2 matching dice (so you can swing your hammer 2 handed).

The Elf
Stats – HP – 6; Shield – 4; Barrier – 2
Description: The Elf is so beautiful she regenerates 2 health per turn, somehow
Moves:
1. Elf Potion – Heals 4 health, regardless of dice value
2. Hypno Eyes! Charms an enemy (so that your opponent can’t use one of their character cards at all next turn)
3. Double Arrow! – Hits two enemies for half a dice worth of damage each
4. Deadly Arrow! – Instantly kill one enemy, regardless of health, shield or barrier. Needs a double 6 though

The Wizard
Stats – HP – 4; Shield – 0; Barrier – 8
Description: The Wizard’s hate is a marvellous thing. It adds 1 to your barrier each turn.
Moves:
1. Heal! – Heals 1 dice of health to one person
2. Shield (Of Magic!) – Adds 1 dice of shield to one person
3. Anti-Barrier! – removes 1 dice of barrier from opponents
4. Explosion! – Does 2 points of damage to all opponents. Needs a 5 or a 6

Orcs

Big Ogre
Stats: HP – 12; Shield – 8; Barrier – 0
Description: Big Ogre is big, and an ogre
Moves:
1. That’s My Shield! – Rips a teammates shield off and takes it as its own. Requires 1 dice (of any value)
2. That’s Your Shield! (But It’s Mine Now!) – Rips an opponents shield off and takes it for itself. Needs a 6.
3. Club Bash! – Hits 1 opponent for 1 dice +2
4. Club Smash! – Hits all opponents for 6. Needs a double 6

A Goblin
Stats: HP – 4; Shield – 4; Barrier – 0
Description – Just kind of pleased to be here
Moves:
1. Stab! – 3 points of damage, no matter what dice you use
2. Double Stab! – 7 points of damage, no matter what 2 dice you throw
3. Gobbling! – Eats a horrible old pie and regains 3 health, no matter what dice you use
4. Double Gobbling! – Eats two horrible old pies and regains 7 health, no matter 2 dice you use.

An Orc
Stats: HP – 6; Shield – 6; Barrier – 0
Description: Like a goblin, but slightly older, and much grumpier
Moves:
1. Rock Throw! – Hits for 1 dice – 2 damage, but bypasses barrier completely
2. Sword Stab! – hits for 1 dice of damage
3. Rest – Sits down and has a bit of a rest. Recovers one dice of health, but can’t attack in same go
4. Moan – Has a right old moan. Recovers double barrier off 1 dice, but can only be used if already resting

Awful Troll
Stats: HP – 4; Shield – 4; Barrier – 4
Description: Awful Troll is the absolute worst. So noxious he lowers opponents barrier by 1 at the start of each turn.
Moves:
1 Annoying Remark – Says something so infuriating all opponents attacks are directed at him next go (multi player attacks don’t work either)
2. Smug Laugh – Raises the strength of your barrier by 1 whole dice worth of points
3. Precision Insult – Cuts right to the heart, and deals 3 points of damage to any opponent, bypassing barrier and shield. Needs a 1
4. Mutual Annihilation – Escalates the argument so esxcessively it takes an opponent out completely, at the expense of the troll’s own life. Needs a 6

Undead

Ghoul
Stats: HP – 8; Shield – 4; Barrier – 4
Description: Probably dead. Definitely angry
Moves:
1. Thump! – Does 1 dice of damage
2. Grab! – Holds an opponent, stopping them from taking any moves with that card next turn. Needs a double.
3. Noxious Blast! – A cloud of poisonous gas, that does double damage to barriers off 1 dice throw, but none to barriers (normal to health)
4. Urgh! – Replenishes health by gnawing on a zombie. +2 to you, -2 to the zombie. Doesn’t need a dice, even if the zombie you’re gnawing on is one of your opponent’s cards

Zombie
Stats: HP – 8; Shield – 0; Barrier – 0
Description: Pretty dead. Falling apart. Strangely hungry. Kind of itchy
Moves:
1. Moan! – Th elow harmonies of t your moan restores 1 dice of barrier
2. Hack! – Swing your meat cleaver and do 1 dice worth of damage
3. Bite! – Does 3 points of damage. If against health, also restores 3 of your own. Needs an even dice.
4. Brains! – Go straight for the brain. Does 4 points of damage, and bypasses shield (although blocked by barrier). Needs an odd dice

Skelebones
Stats: HP – 6; Shield – 4; Barrier – 0
Description – Really dead. So dead that when they’re killed there’s a 1 in 3 chance they’ll come back alaive again (Throw a 1 or a 6)
Moves:
1. Sword Slice! – Does 1 dice worth of damage
2. Shield Smash! – Hit someone with your shield. Does 1 dice + all of your shield points of damage (but destroys your shield completely)
3. Bone Throw! – Throw a spare rib at someone. Causes 2 damage off any dice, but hurts yourself of 1 point of damage too.
4. Skull Hurl! – Throw your skull at someone. Does 3 damage, and doesn’t even need a dice. But it does kill you off, so only use as a last resort.

Little Ghost
Stats: HP – 1; Shield – 0; Barrier – 12
Description: Absolutely Dead. Can’t wear armour or restore any of its health. Not entirely sure why it’s turned up.
Moves:
1. Wailing Moan – Restores 3 barrier for some reason, regardless of dice value.
2. Piercing Shriek – Shatters barrier completely. Needs two odd dice
3. Unsettling Touch – Cause one person to shiver so much they drop their shield completely. Needs two even dice.
4. Urgh! Disgusting! – Slimes everone for 2 damage. Bypasses barrier. Needs a 6.

Boss Monsters

Chaos Warrior
Stats: HP – 10; Shield – 8; Barrier – 4
Description: Almost certainly overpowered
Moves:
1. Magic Axe! – Does 1 dice of damage +1 to barriers, but none to anything else
2. Magic Axe!! – Does 1 dice +2 damage to shields, but none to anything else
3. Magic Axe!!! – Does 1 dice +3 to health, but nothing to anything else
4. Axe Magic!!!! – Completely removes barrier and everyone’s armour too. Needs a double 6

Chaos Wizard
Stats: HP – 2 dice; Shield – 0; Barrier – 2 dice
Description: You just never know what’s coming next when the Chaos Wizard’s about
Moves:
1. Barrier Swap! – switch your barrier with your opponents. Needs an odd double
2. Shield Melt! – Destroy 3 opponents shieldscompletely. Needs an odd triple.
3. Heart Drain – Reduce all opponents health to 1 (regardless of shield or barrier). Needs any quadruple
4. Random Recruitment! – Replace one of your team with a new character card. Needs 4 different dice. (This even works with dead characters)

THE GARGOYLE!
Stats: HP – 4; Shield – 12; Barrier – 0
Description: The Gargoyle’s astonishingly scary. It regenerates 1 health per turn, but only while it has some shield left.
Moves:
1. Flaming Sword! – Does 1 dice of damage (double to barriers, half to shields)
2. Cracking Whip! – Does 1 dice of damage to 2 different characters, but can’t harm shields at all if they have them
3. Scary Roar! – Freezes one opponent in terror for 1 turn. Needs any 2 even dice
4. Wing Flap! – Blows away an opponents dice next turn. Can be used with any odd dice.

The Necromancer
Stats: HP – 8; Shield – 0; Barrier – 4
Description: Like the wizard, but evil. Also not very well. Lose 1 health every turn. On death, the necromancer returns as a ghost
Moves:
1. Zombification! – Can turn a living teammate into a zombie with 1 simple dice (any value)
2. Resurrection! – Raises a skeleton. Needs a double, and also a spare slot in your team
3. Whistle (And He’ll Come T o You) – Summons a ghost (needs an odd and an even dice, and also a spare character slot)
4. Putrefaction! – Reduces one opponents health to 1, ignoring barrier and shield. Needs a 1

__________

Notes:

1. I made this between 27th and 31st of October, 2024
2. This game’s obviously not very balanced.
3. Mainly because I made it up without any fore thought whatsoever, as can be seen by barely any of the descriptions actually fitting in their boxes at all.
4. And also by the way these monsters are overpowered in every way (also the necromancer isn’t even canon at all)
5. When it came to the undead team, I didn’t make a mummy, because I hate mummies.
6. So I replaced that with the ghoul from the horror top trumps.
6. And then I added a ghost.
7. So there.

Tales From The Town #195: “Facts About….” WITH DANIEL!!!! (A Halloween Special)

Panel 1: Facts About… Conkers!!!!! (the words “with Daniel” are written below in all caps, while the “o” in conkers has been made to look like a conker. Below all that there’s a full portrait picture of Daniel swirling his long hair that is like a viking’s hair around)
Panel 2: Daniel is now also swirling a conker around on a piece of string – “Conkers?”
Panel 3: Daniel is now upside down and also in the middle of what looks like an explosion. Who knows where the conker has gone – “BONKERS!!!”

Please Note: The “Facts About” format is owned by Claire and if you would like to publish your own verified facts in comic strip form please send £1 in licensing fees to Claire at claire@claire.claire

______

“What the hell is this, Daniel?” Claire shouted, holding Daniel’s comic strip in one hand and then furiously jabbing at it with the other.

“It’s… BONKERS!!!” said Daniel.

“Yeah, well, maybe, but it’s not about Halloween at all,” Claire said.

“I know,” said Daniel. “It’s about conkers.”

“You were supposed to be writing about Halloween, Daniel!” Claire said. “I told you to write about Halloween!”

“But I love conkers,” Daniel said. “Because they’re BONKERS!”

“Maybe they are,” Claire said. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re upside down in that last panel. And in the middle of an explosion.”

“An explosion,” said Daniel, leaning over to point at his drawing to explain its intricacies. “And an implosion. The outer one is the explosion and the inner one is the implosion.”

“I see,” Claire said. “Well, whatever, Daniel, it’s your pound. Now pay up.”

She held out her hand to accept her licensing fee from Daniel, who reached into his pocket, withdrew a nice shining £1 coin that he’d spent all morning shining up just for this occasion, and then flicked it up into the air for her to catch, although Claire didn’t catch it, but dropped it, ineptly, and then they both watched as it hit the floor and rolled all the way between both of their legs, past the cat, and then into a cobweb in the corner at the back under the desk that had been there for as long as they could remember, even though none of them had ever seen a spider in their room, not ever.

“Why are you paying Claire, Daniel?” Tina asked, as she rolled her chair back so that Claire could reach into the cobweb to retrieve her payment.”Shouldn’t she be paying you?”

“Yeah, Claire didn’t do anything except complain,” Ethel said. She was sitting on the window ledge for some reason. “Why’s she the one getting paid?”

“Because I’m the editor,” said Claire, emerging from beneath the desk with some cobwebs in her hair and a pound coin in her hand and a spider crawling all over her jumper. “That’s the most important job of all.”

“And I’m an author now!” Daniel said excitedly, doing a backflip onto his bed to prove it. “I’m going to be so rich!”

PS: After this story finished everyone was killed by the spider because it was Halloween. THE END
PPS: Then the cat ate the spider.
PPPS: Also Ethel was a vampire in this story.
PPPPS: That’s why she was sitting on the windowledge.
PPPPPS: Daniel! Stop adding things to the end of this story! It’s confusing!
PPPPPPS: No it’s not. It’s unconfusing! Now everyone knows what happens after the story ended.
PPPPPPPS: But no one cares what happens after the story ended. I got my money, and that’s the entire point of the story!
PPPPPPPPS: Did you know, that that pound coin was haunted?!!!!!!!
PPPPPPPPPS: Stop ruining everything, Daniel. There’s no such thing as a haunted pound coin!
PPPPPPPPPPS: Also Tina is a werewolf!
PPPPPPPPPPPS: Daniel, I’m warning you, if you don’t shut up right now I’m never letting you write another comic strip ever again!
PPPPPPPPPPPPS: Mum is also a werewolf. From space!
PPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (The comic strip has now been thrown in the bin)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPS (Doors have been slammed)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (Daniel’s pound has not been returned)

___________

Notes:

1. Written on October 25th, 2024