Undex

The Hole

Jason put his finger in the hole first, then me, then our mum. Alice refused, but she was only three and the instructions said not suitable for children aged under 48 months so it was just as well.

Jason’s finger came out covered in sherbet. Mine came out covered in jam. Our mum’s finger came out covered in marmite and she laughed in delight as she licked it off and then she put it in the hole again and again.

Our Dad came home later and bent down and looked into the hole for a while, first with one eye and then with the other.

“What is it?” he said.

“It’s the future,” said our mum, and showed him how it worked.

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Notes:

1. Written on August 30th, 2016

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bulb

“Bulb.”

I looked up from my phone.

“Bulb,” he said.

“What?”

“Bulb. I would like bulb.”

“We’re all out of bulbs.”

“Not bulbs,” he said. “Bulb.”

“What?”

“I would like bulb.”

“We’re all out of-”

“BULB.”

“I’m sorry…”

“BULB.”

I pulled down the blind and ignored him as best I could until he had gone. His cries of bulb slowly faded out over the rest of the afternoon, as he first got dispirited and secondly as he got further away.

That night I dreamt of bulb.

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Notes:

1. Bulb

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

The Owl

there was an owl in the toilet

i don’t know why but there was

sat in the water like it was a bath

but it wasn’t a bath

it was a toilet

i edged around the room to the sink and its head rotated round watching me and i washed my hands in the sink and brushed my teeth and it watched me the whole time and it never blinked once or maybe it did but it was too fast for me to see and then i finished brushing my teeth and i wiped my mouth on the flannel and then backed out of the room and its head rotated back and it watched me leave still unblinking and then i pulled the door shut as slowly as possible so as not to startle it and it’s still probably in there now i suppose i haven’t been back in to have a look

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1. Written on July 16th, 2016

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If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

The Videotape

He held the videotape up in the air and said “This is the most important artefact in the world” and then he put it in the videoplayer and then he pressed play and then we watched a lost episode of doctor who where colin baker took his trousers off and put them on his arms and over his head and said he was an elephant now a two trunked elephant from the planet elephontotunk.

Peri screamed and so did bonnie langford.

Before the end the videotape got chewed up and everybody cheered.

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Notes:

1. Written on September 22nd, 2016

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

The Sound Machine

It wasn’t very big but it was still bigger than expected. I put it on the table and listened for a while. The sound quality was excellent and the volume satisfyingly loud. However I fear it might be defective. It left filthy smudges on the tabletop, and when I searched for an off switch it bit me.

Now it’s hiding under the settee and it appears to be leaking

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Notes:

1. Written on September 23rd, 2016

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!