Tales From The Town #79: Beneath The Witch’s Hat

These were just some of the things the dolls had seen the witch pull from beneath her hat as she went about her work, or so they said.

1. Needle. 2. Thread. 3. Wool. 4. Twine. 5. Yarn. 6. Wire. 7. Ligament. 8. Vein. 9. Small patch of cloth. 10. Small patch of leather. 11. Small tuft of hair. 12. Handheld catapult. 13. Model trebuchet. 14. Glass eye (several). 15. Pebbles (various). 16. Marbles (bag of). 17. Earth (handful). 18. Potted plant (japonica). 19. Potted plant (rose, with thorns). 20. Potted plant (assortment of cacti). 21. Potted plant (bonsai). 22. Small hat. 23. Large hat. 24. Medium hat. 25. Clockwork brain. 26. Clockwork heart/lungs. 27. Clockwork Bagpuss. 28. Cloth Bagpuss. 29. Flesh Bagpuss. 30. Newts. 31. Fungal spores. 32. Epoxy resin. 33. Gloy 33. That glue that smells like fish. 34. Doll’s leg (left). 35. Doll’s arm (reversible). 36. Butterfly swarm (as distraction). 37. Night. 38. Telescope. 39. Reading glasses. 39. Writing glasses. 40. Microscope. 41. Electron (singular). 42. Proton (en masse). 43. Molecular model (for illustrative purposes). 44. Skull (mouse). 45. Skull (deer). 46. Skull (own). 47. Skull (other). 48. 17 inch metal spike. 49. 11 inch metal spike. 50. 7 inch wooden spike. 51. Chopstick (wooden). 52. Another chopstick (porcelain). 53. Third chopstick (superfluous). 54. Fluff. 55. Lint. 56. Dust. 57. Shoebox (filled with playing cards). 58. Shoebox (filled with teeth). 59. Shoebox (spiders). 60. Shoebox (misc. other items). 61. Toothbrush. 62. Paint (yellow). 63. Paint (white). 62. Hairbrush. 63. Unidentified herbs . 64. Sausage wrapped in bandages. 65. Bread. 66. Photo of the house. 67. Photo of photo of the house. 68. Well water (bucket of). 69. Eel. 70. Heron. 71. Stopwatch. 72. Polaroid camera. 73. Reading monocle. 74. Writing monocle. 75. 1:5000 scale model of town. 76. The mayor. 77. Conker (on string). 78. Acorn (on string). 79. Walnut (no attachments). 80. Rest of Walnut Whirl. 81. Calipers. 82. Bell jar of unidentified eggs in viscous fluid. 83. Salt. 84. False teeth. 85. Actual lips. 86. Tongue (with working papillae). 87. Napkin. 88. An entire doll. 89. List containing items pulled from beneath the witch’s hat already containing its own entry right there on the page, as well as several subsequent items. 90-99. Several subsequent items.

LIST ENDS

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Notes:

1. Written on April 4th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #78: In The Woods In The Early Autumn

1. The witch only celebrated palindromic birthdays. 101 was her favourite so far. She didn’t consider the single digit years to truly count. Even the two digit ones seemed a little suspect, but she forgave them simply because otherwise she’d have had none before today.

2. An exodus of dolls at dawn. Crawling, walking, tottering, skittering. Past the cherry tree and the swing and the well and the hollow and the copse and the abandoned boat.

3. Not for the witch a present given. Instead, from her a promise extracted. Cackles of glee, watched by eyes wide in terror.

4. Up above, the crows circled above the hill like vultures. In the trees all around squirrels whispered secrets to each other like sentient social media accounts. And down below, cats patrolled the woods like, well, cats. Anything that moved was pounced upon with the utmost glee. Prisoners subsequently released purely so they could be caught again, tormented some more.

5. On their return, the children couldn’t help but notice the way the doll’s dresses were covered in jam, the way their lips were smeared with icing, crumbs speckling their hair like dirt. No amount of questions would make the dolls admit where it was they had been, nor what it was they had done, why it was their eyes were tinged with so much shame.

6. All they would say was that it was done now. There was no turning back.

7. “What does that even mean?!” Claire said loudly.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 17th and 18th, 2022, and also a little bit extra on October 7th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #77: The Lodger (Hints Of Failure)

Smiles like breadcrumbs to some secret glade. Silences as evocative as sunken ships. But in the end there was nothing there but smoke.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 12th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #76: Major Complaints

1. Consequential Complaints

Claire looked down at the floor, stamped her feet, and howled.

“This is all the lodger’s fault!”

“Oh come on, Claire,” Agnes said. “How is any of this the lodger’s fault?”

“If it wasn’t for the lodger,” Claire explained. “We wouldn’t even be here!”

“What? He’s at work, Claire? He doesn’t even know where we are?”

“He broke the swing!”

“But I fixed the swing.”

“It’s not the same. What if it breaks again? I don’t trust it.”

“But what’s any of this got to do with you dropping your ice cream?”

“Right in the dog’s muck!”

“Daniel! Don’t rub it in.”

“Because if he hadn’t broken the swing we wouldn’t have come to the park and you wouldn’t have bought us ice creams and I wouldn’t have seen Carolina and she wouldn’t have waved at me and I wouldn’t have waved back and my ice cream wouldn’t have gone flying!”

“Into all the dog’s muck!”

“Daniel!”

“I hate the lodger so much!”

2. Monetary Complaints

“I can’t believe you spent a thousand pounds on that!”

“I didn’t!”

“That’s what the invoice says!”

“But I didn’t buy it!”

“Well someone did, Oya. And it wasn’t me.”

“They must have hacked my credit card. Again.”

“Why would anyone hack your credit card just to spend a thousand pounds on that?”

“I don’t know, Anna.”

“And then send it to you?”

“I don’t know!”

“At your own house? Under your own name?”

“I don’t know!”

“What is it, anyway?”

“I don’t know…”

“Why’s it moving like that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think it’s… alive?”

3. Endless Complaints

“Mum! Claire’s cheating!”
“Mum! Tina’s telling tales on me!”
“Mum! Claire’s telling tales on Tina!”
“Mum! Ethel’s telling tales on me!”
“Mum! Claire’s telling tales on Ethel!”

Of all the Saturdays, it was the Saturdays when it was raining that Agnes hated beyond all the others.

“Mum! Claire’s cheating!”

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Notes:

1. Written on 21st September, 2022
2. The bit about Saturdays is adapted from the lyrics to Fear Of The Unknown And The Blazing Sun by Colin Stetson (and Laurie Anderson)

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Tales From The Town #75: Statues At Noon

They stood like statues on the crest of the hill overlooking the house, stone watchers standing in judgement over all they surveyed. All that moved was their hair in the wind. No one knew where they had come from nor when they would leave. Perhaps only when all our crimes had been confessed would they disappear.

“This,” said Claire, through gritted teeth and clamped closed lips. “Is the worst game ever!”

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Notes:

1. Written on 30th May, 2022

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