You’d never think you’d miss it when it was gone, Agnes thought. But there was no sound more forlorn than the last few desperate cries for attention from the ice cream van before it accepted its fate and settled down for its annual hibernation.
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Notes:
1. Written on September 20th, 2024
__________Antoine looked out of the window of his new flat above the chip shop, staring at the sea and the beach and the mist and the sky with a feeling of ever so slight wistfulness. It was nice having running water and a kitchen and a fridge and a bed that wasn’t filled with sand, but sometimes he missed his old cave.
He missed the mermaid. He missed the sounds of the sea. He missed the campfire. He even missed the crabs occasionally, sometimes, maybe.
“Your new flat’s the best flat ever, Dad,” Claire said, eating her second portion of chips of the day already and the day wasn’t even finished yet by far. “So much nicer than that stinky old cave. There’s not even any gulls stealing our chips!”
“And it’s right next to an arcade!” Daniel said, as he counted out various 2 and 10 pence pieces from the pint glass filled with coins Antoine had forgotten to hide before they came round today.
“And right next to another, slightly more expensive, arcade!” said Ethel, as she counted out the 20s and 50s and pounds, piling them all up into nicely precarious towers all over the table. “We only need another 7,000 prize tickets and we can win something that almost looks like a pokemon but which isn’t a pokemon at all.”
“It’s something even better than a pokemon!” said Daniel, his eyes wide with absolutely astounded wonder that such a thing could exist.
“And it’s opposite the bookshop,” said Tina, running her fingers over the gold embossed lettering on the cover of the book she’d just bought. Not that gold embossed lettering was important, of course. Books were all about the content, and it was entirely coincidental that the book she’d really wanted for months just happened to have gold embossed lettering on the cover. But they felt so nice. And looked amazing.
“I do kind of miss all those naughty crabs, though,” Daniel said.
“Me too,” Antoine agreed.
“Yeah, those crabs were great,” said Ethel.
“The way they’d scuttle about all over everything,” Tina said.
“And pinch us with their claws!” Daniel said.
“I don’t miss them at all,” Claire said. “We all hated those horrible little crabs and you all know it! Don’t even try and pretend we didn’t because we did. All of us.”
“I didn’t,” said Antoine, weakly.
“You did, Dad,” Claire said. “You hated them the most out of any of us!”
And that was that. Claire was right and they knew it and they hated it. So no one ever mentioned the crabs ever again.
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Notes:
1. Written on August 17th, 2024
__________“Do you think hedgehogs actually exist?” Claire asked. “Because I don’t think hedgehogs exist AT ALL!”
This question/declaration of Claire’s had nothing to do with anything anyone had said or that anyone was doing, but it seemed overwhelmingly important to Claire at that precise moment in time. She’d been thinking about this a lot.
“Of course they exist,” said Tina. “Why wouldn’t they exist?”
“Because I’ve never seen one.”
“You have,” Ethel said. “We all have.”
“I haven’t,” said Claire.
“Well I have,” said Ethel. “In the garden.”
“Prove it,” said Claire.
“You prove it,” said Ethel.
“That’s not how proof works,” said Claire.
“You’re not how proof works,” said Ethel.
“I saw two hedgehogs once,” said Daniel.
“You haven’t,” said Claire.
“They were getting married,” said Daniel.
“They weren’t!”
“They had FOUR babies!” said Daniel. “And a nephew.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Claire, kicking the pieces off the Monopoly board and storming out of the room before anyone remembered she hadn’t paid off any of her recently declared debts.
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Notes:
1. Written on 17th August, 2024
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Radio Static is a small and ultimately pointless internet radio that plays nothing but various forms of static and occasionally some industrial noises that also kind of sound like static. Press play to play, stop to stop, and back and forward to wind through the selection of sounds in playlist order. Contains about 30 selections of static for your listening enjoyment.
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Notes:
1. I made this using TWINE, between September 6th and September 9th, 2024
2. The radio noises and other interference patterns are taken from the bbc sound effect archive
3. You can download the whole thing here if you want to.
4. Or listen to it online here.
5. It is entirely up to you.
Panel 1: Facts About… Going Back To School (all caps, with a drop shadow and a quadruple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!!” written in a jaunty font that closely resembles comic sans because it is actually comic sans and also it’s in bright red)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s face – “Back to school?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s face – “Back to cruel more like!”
Notes: If you would like to publish Facts About… With Claire! in your secret diary or on your own noticeboard please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire
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Notes:
1. Written on August 17th, 2024
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