Panel 1: Facts About… Halloween!!!!! (all caps, with spooky shadows and a quintuple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!!” written in a blood red and slightly haunted font that continually drips blood. Also Claire’s face is orange for some reason)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s orange face – “Halloween?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s orange face – “Holloween more like!”
Please Note: If you would like to carve Facts About… With Claire! into a pumpkin please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire for the necessary and specific permissions that only Claire can grant.
“I don’t get it,” said Daniel.
“Because you’re stupid,” Claire said. “Everyone else gets it.”
“I don’t get it either,” said Ethel.
“Yeah, I’m not sure I really do, either, Claire,” Tina said.
“Urgh,” said Claire. “It’s a pun. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to everyone.”
“Yes, but a pun about what?” Tina asked.
“About halloween!” Claire shouted. “Hollow sounds a bit like hallow, right?”
“Yeah, but… what does hollowness have to do with halloween?” Tina asked.
“Hollow like a pumpkin!” Claire said. “I even coloured my face in orange so it was obvious.”
“We just thought that was how your face always looks,” Ethel said. “Due to Wotsits!”
“Shut up, Ethel!” Claire said. “Anyway, I’d like to see any of you come up with a better joke that is also a fact that fits the theme of the comic strip for this week, once a week, every week, for ever! It’s not easy at all. It takes me absolutely ages to even come up with one of these.”
“Claire’s comic strip?” Ethel said. “Claire’s moronic strip more like!”
“That’s not a fact,” Claire said. “It’s an opinion.”
“Ghosts?” Tina ventured. “NO-sts more like!” She looked up at Claire’s intense unblinking stare for a few moments, before feeling that maybe she needed to offer up an explanation for the joke just in case. “Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ghosts.”
“Obviously,” said Claire. “But I can’t just be printing everyday facts in the comic strip. They need to be funny.”
“Mine was funny,” Tina said.
“No it wasn’t,” Claire said. “It was clever. No one wants to read comic strips that are clever. No one.”
“Anna does,” Ethel said.
“Exactly,” said Claire. “And Anna’s an idiot.”
“And Dad does,” Tina said.
“Dad’s comic strips are stupid,” said Claire. “And boring. No one even knows what they’re about.” She stared at her two sisters with a look of triumph on her face. “So anyway, I think this has all proved that I’m the best at writing comics and everyone else is the worst. I WIN!”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Tina said. “That’s not how comic strips work.”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Claire said. “Whereas I definitely ca-”
“Oh, I get it now,” Daniel suddenly said.
“What?” Claire said.
“”Pumpkins? Plumpkins more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire said. “I’ve already won.”
“Treat or treat! Trick or eat more like!” Daniel said.
“Daniel!”
“October? Shocktober more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Werewolves? Scarewolves more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Ghostly slime? Mostly lime more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Hula hoops? Cthulhu hoops more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Bonfire night? Bonfire fright more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Vampires? Hampires more like!” Daniel said.
“S-”
“Frankenstein’s monster? Frankenstein’s imposter more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Ghouls? Fools more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Spooktacular? Shoot Dracula more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Skeletons? Smellytons more like!!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Superheroes? Superweirdos more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up-”
“Eyeballs? Cryballs more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Cats? Bats more like!” Daniel said, before quickly adding, “Bats? Cats more like!”
“SHUT UP!” Claire said. “Daniel, you’re ruining everything. You need to stop.”
“But I’ve only just started,” said Daniel. “Fireworks? Direworks more like! Clowns? Frowns more like! Mannequins? Mannelimbs more like! A haunted house? A haunted mouse more like! Ravens? Rave-offs more like! Spider webs? Cider legs more like! Slugs? Mugs more like! Zombies? Wrongbies more like! Autumn? Boretumn more like! Headless horsemen? Headless norsemen more like! Half term? Scarf term more like! Hedgehogs? Hedgedogs more like! Halloween? Halloscream more like!”
“Why is he so good at this?” Claire sat down and moaned. “It’s so unfair.”
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Notes:
1. Written between September 30th and October 7th, 2024
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