Tales From The Town #188: On the Existence Of Hedgehogs

“Do you think hedgehogs actually exist?” Claire asked. “Because I don’t think hedgehogs exist AT ALL!”

This question/declaration of Claire’s had nothing to do with anything anyone had said or that anyone was doing, but it seemed overwhelmingly important to Claire at that precise moment in time. She’d been thinking about this a lot.

“Of course they exist,” said Tina. “Why wouldn’t they exist?”

“Because I’ve never seen one.”

“You have,” Ethel said. “We all have.”

“I haven’t,” said Claire.

“Well I have,” said Ethel. “In the garden.”

“Prove it,” said Claire.

“You prove it,” said Ethel.

“That’s not how proof works,” said Claire.

“You’re not how proof works,” said Ethel.

“I saw two hedgehogs once,” said Daniel.

“You haven’t,” said Claire.

“They were getting married,” said Daniel.

“They weren’t!”

“They had FOUR babies!” said Daniel. “And a nephew.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Claire, kicking the pieces off the Monopoly board and storming out of the room before anyone remembered she hadn’t paid off any of her recently declared debts.

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Notes:

1. Written on 17th August, 2024

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story of the summer #1

I just saw a hedgehog
ambling around the edges of my garden
in the middle of the day

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Notes:

1. Written/seen on June 28th, 2022

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Tale #109: To Stroke A Hedgehog

A noblewoman of some renown liked to stroke the animals of the court and countryside. Cats and dogs; cows and horses; sheep and goats; the King’s crows and the Queen’s swans; the noblewoman petted them all, and took great delight in doing so.

One spring, a hedgehog took up residence in the bushes of her garden. Each night, she put out food for the creature, and over the long months of summer she slowly gained its favour. One night, she sat in the garden in her nightgown, the bowl of food in her lap. The hedgehog climbed up onto her, and while it ate, she reached down, and gently, ever so gently, stroked the hedgehog’s back.

Over the coming days, many asked her to describe how it felt to stroke a hedgehog, but she could not find the words to describe the sensation, and so she stayed silent, no matter the clamour they made for her to impart her wisdom.

Before autumn turned to winter, the noblewoman went mad and died, and her knowledge was lost to the world.

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Notes:

1. Written April 1st, 2019
2. Part of my ongoing “To…” series
3. All of which utilise the same ending formulation
4. The series began with To Follow A Cat
5. And includes To Lose Your Faith, To Follow A Child, and To Ponder Infinity
6. But, confusingly, not To Be Kept Safe

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

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