Cats In Places They Should Not Be

There were cats in places they should not be. On shelves, in drawers, stretched out asleep on the computer keyboard and curled up asleep on the record player turnstile and the dashboard of our car. There were cats in my backpack and in Mum’s handbag. They were in the bath, in the shower, on the toilet seat and in the sink and the cupboard under the sink and the one above the sink somehow too. I don’t know how they could fit in there but they could and they did and there was nothing we could do to stop them.

There were cats in our pockets and cats in our sleeves and there was a cat curled up in the hood of my coat even though I was wearing the coat and the hood was up but still it was in there purring and doing that thing cats do with their claws when they’re happy until my entire scalp was pinpricked with blood.

We tried to phone for help but there was a cat sat on the phone and then we tried to call for help but there were kittens in our mouths by now and they looked out at the world with cute unblinking eyes from the middle of our faces.

There was nothing we could do but acquiesce to their demands.

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Notes:

1. Written on October 14th, 2022
2. There is no finer sight in life than a cat in a place that it should not be.

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Tales From The Town #81: Explanations Of Events

“So that’s what happened,” Tina told everyone, having relayed what she overheard her Mum telling Anna and Oya in the kitchen. “I can’t believe it. Right under our noses and we never suspected a thing!”

“I suspected a thing,” Claire said.

“So did I,” Ethel said.

“I suspected it first,” Claire said.

“We all suspected something, Claire,” Tina said. “Just not that thing.”

“Well I suspected everything,” Claire said. “And I was right!”

“Shut up Claire,” Ethel said.

“You shut up!” Claire said back.

“No you shut up!” Ethel said.

“Anyway,” Tina added. “Now we just have to hope someone finds him before he does all this again to somebody else somewhere else sometime else.”

“Before who does all what again to where and when and why?” Daniel asked.

“The LODGER!” Claire shouted. “Who else would we be talking about?”

“I don’t know,” said Daniel. “So what did he do now?”

“Tina just told us what he did, Daniel,” Ethel said.

“Oh,” Daniel said. “I wasn’t listening.”

“Well you should have been listening,” Tina said. “I’m not saying it all again.”

“But I was playing with the cat,” said Daniel.

“That’s no excuse!” Claire said. “We were all playing with the cat and we still heard.”

“Heard what?”

“Heard EVERYTHING!”

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Notes:

1. Written on October 7th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #78: In The Woods In The Early Autumn

1. The witch only celebrated palindromic birthdays. 101 was her favourite so far. She didn’t consider the single digit years to truly count. Even the two digit ones seemed a little suspect, but she forgave them simply because otherwise she’d have had none before today.

2. An exodus of dolls at dawn. Crawling, walking, tottering, skittering. Past the cherry tree and the swing and the well and the hollow and the copse and the abandoned boat.

3. Not for the witch a present given. Instead, from her a promise extracted. Cackles of glee, watched by eyes wide in terror.

4. Up above, the crows circled above the hill like vultures. In the trees all around squirrels whispered secrets to each other like sentient social media accounts. And down below, cats patrolled the woods like, well, cats. Anything that moved was pounced upon with the utmost glee. Prisoners subsequently released purely so they could be caught again, tormented some more.

5. On their return, the children couldn’t help but notice the way the doll’s dresses were covered in jam, the way their lips were smeared with icing, crumbs speckling their hair like dirt. No amount of questions would make the dolls admit where it was they had been, nor what it was they had done, why it was their eyes were tinged with so much shame.

6. All they would say was that it was done now. There was no turning back.

7. “What does that even mean?!” Claire said loudly.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 17th and 18th, 2022, and also a little bit extra on October 7th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #67: Midnight Disco

Daniel showed the cat his moves. No one else was allowed to see.

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Notes:

1. Written April 2022

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Tales From The Town #61: Explanations Of Necessities

“But why, Mum?”

“What’s he doing here?”

“He’s the new lodger,” Agnes explained. “He’s moving into the new rooms.”

“We don’t want him.”

“We don’t need him.”

“But we do need his money,” Agnes said. “It’s sad but it’s true. Feeding all you kids doesn’t come cheap.”

“We aren’t that expensive!”

“We barely eat a thing!”

“Daniel eats nothing at all!”

“I eat apples from the apple tree,” Daniel said. “And drink water from the tap.”

“And ice creams from the ice cream van,” said Agnes, sighing slightly. “I’m sorry everyone, but we really do need a new lodger now Oya’s moved in with Anna.”

“But she hasn’t moved out!”

“She’s just moved upstairs!”

“I know, I know,” said Agnes. “But it’s not like I can continue charging them both now they share a single room, is it?”

“You could!” Claire said. “I would.”

“It just wouldn’t be fair,” said Agnes.

“Who cares about fair!” Claire grumped. “I hate him!”

“You hardly know him, Claire,” Agnes said. “How can you hate him?”

“He called me fat!”

“He did not,” Ethel said.

“He did!”

“Didn’t!”

“He said you were a big girl,” Tina said. “I was there.”

“We were all there,” Ethel said. “Even Mum!”

“See!” Claire said. “It’s the same thing. I told you!”

“That’s not the same thing, Claire,” Agnes said. “I’m sure he was just trying to be nice.”

“He’s not nice at all,” Claire said. “He’s creepy. I don’t like his eyes. Or his smile. Or his name.”

“He’s got eyes like blueberry pies,” Daniel said.

“What’s wrong with his name?” Agnes said. “Christopher’s a nice name.”

“He’s got a name like a videogame,” Daniel suggested. It was the best he could do.

“It’s not even a little bit nice!” Claire said. “It’s an awful name and I hate it!”

“He’s got smiles like a crocodile’s!” Daniel added for good measure.

“No he doesn’t,” Claire said, spinning right round so she could refute Daniel’s allegations head on. “If he had a smile like a crocodile his smile would be nice and I’d like him but his smile is awful and I hate him so he doesn’t have a smile like a crocodile AT ALL.”

“Claire what’s gotten into you?” Agnes asked. “He’s not even moved in yet. You probably won’t even have to see him when he does. He’s very busy. He works in the city, you know?”

“Well maybe he should stay there!” Claire shouted, before suddenly slumping down on the settee.

It was all too much for her. She pulled a hairbrush out of her pocket and started running it furiously through her hair in an attempt to calm down. The cat pawed at her knees, then climbed up her leggings like they were a ladder. Everyone else drifted from the room like clouds.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 9th, 2022

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