a cast of characters

Tales From The Town #83: No Rooms

“What’s all that noise up there? It sounds like a herd of elephants!”

“It’s Claire, Mum!”

“She’s upset!”

“Upset about what?”

“The new rooms!”

“What new rooms?”

“The old new rooms!”

“They’ve gone, Mum!”

“Gone? Gone where?”

“Just gone.”

“Completely gone!”

“There’s not even a door there any more!”

“Just a door shaped gap in the wallpaper!”

“It’s like the lodger was never here!”

“Well that’s weird. And a bit worrying, I have to say. But what’s that got to do with Claire?”

“Claire’s furious!”

“Really furious!”

“Furious even for Claire!”

“She’s stamping her feet!”

“And screaming!”

“And blaming the lodger!”

“Again!”

“I don’t think we can blame the… the… I don’t think we can blame that man this time.”

“She wanted those rooms for herself, Mum!”

“But the lodger took them!”

“She wanted them so bad and now she’s not going to get them at all!”

“Ever!”

“Well you don’t all have to sound so pleased about it…”

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Notes:

1. Written on 31st October, 2022
2. I think.
3. I forgot to write down the date in my notebook.
4. Sorry.
5. So it might actually have been earlier in October that I wrote this one.

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Tales From The Town #82: Exit Interviews

Agnes

I’m afraid I don’t know where he’s gone. One day he was here and then he wasn’t here.

Did he leave a forwarding address or any way of contacting him?

He didn’t even leave anything in the fridge!

Anna

So you’re telling me that you knew he was a conman all this time and you did nothing and let him live here for almost a year watching him while he was watching us and didn’t even think to mention it until he’d disappeared again before you even managed to catch him and now you don’t know where he is and he’s probably just doing this all again somewhere else already?

This operation was fully agreed to and signed off by the relevant authorities. If you have any complaints about our methods, Miss, feel free to make them to the Mayor.

But no one even knows who the Mayor is!

The Mayor’s identity has been fully verified and signed off by the relevant authorities. If you have any complaints about these methods, Miss, feel free to make them to the Relevant Authorities directly.

And no one knows who the Relevant Authorities are either! Or where they’re located. Or what they do!

I assure you, Miss, that the Relevant Authorities existence has been fully confirmed by multiple sources a great number of times throughout the history of this town…

Oya

Well at least we’re getting all our stolen money back. But why did he spend a thousand pounds on my credit card just to send me a basilisk? What was the point of that?

We don’t know, exactly, Miss, but we’re looking into it.

That’s… I hope you mean metaphorically.

The Witch

Eyes! Eyes everywhere! Gleaming like jewels in the dark! I saw them! I saw them! Plain as day I saw them! I saw them and I took them! Destroyed them before they could see! Before they could see into my eyes! My eyes! Everywhere! Gleaming like jewels in the dark!

That still doesn’t explain what you were doing in the house in the first place, Ma’am.

The dolls! The dolls! I promised them! I did! I did! A witch keeps her promises! Not that you’d know anything about that, young man!

What you were doing could be considered illegal, Ma’am. If the houseowner –

Ain’t no law says a witch can’t sneak out of the woods and into the house! Ain’t no law says that at all!

Actually, Ma’am, under the terms of The Covenant (1643), it is explicitly a crime for a witch to sneak out of the woods and into someone’s house. If you’ll allow me to read from the Act….

Tina

I can’t believe he was recording us this whole time. Listening in to our private conversations. Watching us at school! Our lives becoming his entertainment! It’s just so… creepy!

Ethel

Surveillance Tape #61’s definitely my favourite. Claire nearly died!

Claire

I don’t care where he’s gone. Good riddance. I hope they never find him! Those rooms are mine now! MINE!

Daniel

I dreamt I was a cassette boy and all my tape came out and got tangled in the wind and it looked a bit like a beard but it wasn’t a beard it was my brain!

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Notes:

1. Written on 31st October, 2022

__________

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Tales From The Town: A Summer Book

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Notes:

1. Written between the 5th and the 11th of August, 2022
2. Although the cover was drawn on the of August, 2022
3. And also the back cover.
4. And also I suppose technically The Cat In Summer was written whenever The Cat In Winter was written.
5. Which was last summer instead of this summer, it appears.
6. Also it’s too hot to transcribe these today so I hope you can read them all.
7. I assure you the crossed out word at the end of Flags Of Forgotten Nations is not rude.
8. At all.
9. Unless you consider C&A rude
10. It’s quite rude I suppose.

__________

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

Tales From The Town #65: The Lodger (Methods Of Success)

He said all the right things to the right people, smiled the right smiles, stared into their eyes with exactly the right intensity to suggest sincerity. No matter what he did, what he said, those fluttering eyes of his would convince you it wasn’t his fault. It was yours.

“No, no, I should be the one apologising to you,” Agnes said to him, as she surveyed the wreckage beneath the tree. The ruined swing, the broken branch, the sullen children mourning their loss. “I should have told you it was only strong enough for the kids…”

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Notes:

1. Written on May 12th, 2022

__________

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!

Tales From The Town #63: Unpacking, or The Tools Of The Trade

Christopher laid out the contents of his suitcase carefully on the bed, checking each item off a list to make sure nothing had been mislaid in transit. You never could tell the trouble lost items might bring.

1. Phone #1 (public use)
2. Phone #2 (private use)
3. Laptop #1 (unlocked, innocent)
4. Laptop #2 (locked, encrypted, incriminating)
5. Printer
6. Laminator
7. Wireless Listening Devices #1-#7
8. Passive Listening Devices #1-#4
9. Notebook (in code)
10. Pens (various colours)
11. Camera #1 (conspicuous, innocent)
12. Camera #2 (inconspicuous, deniable)
13. Camera #3 (concealable, beyond legal and moral bounds)
14. Credit/Debit Cards #1-#6 (various names)
15. Voice Modulator (still in box)
16. Cables (knotted bundle)

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Notes:

1. Written on (date lost)
2. But probably in the first half of 2022
3. Or maybe late 2021

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!