Note: I somehow managed to get covid and/or flu three different times during the summer, which goes some way to explaining how sparse this diary got then. And it was hardly particularly dense beforehand, obviously)

Saturday 14th June, 2025

Today was the first day in almost two weeks where I didn’t feel like complete crap (although I do still have a cold).

Sunday 15th June, 2025

I wrote some things today. Not much, but a start

Monday 16th June, 2025

I saw a kestrel
and bought an illustrated book about bugs and wasps

It was quite a nice day, really

Tuesday 17th June, 2025

I cannot draw very well

Wednesday 18th June, 2025

Hot
endlessly

Thursday 19th June, 2025

I think the things I make are good
until I’ve made them

Friday 20th June, 2025

Anxiety
again
indistinct
and all encompassing

Saturday 21st June, 2025

The frustration of
having to keep an old computer forever
purely because it’s the only thing that still runs
photoshop

Sunday 22nd June, 2025

The cinema
was hotter
than the sun

Monday 23rd June, 2025

I finished a thing
I published a thing
to silence
to silence

Tuesday 24th June, 2025

Poetry
will get you
nowhere

Wednesday 25th June, 2025

Thinking of going to bed
and it’s barely even 9 o’clock

Thursday 26th June, 2025

Too many books
piled up on my desk

Friday 27th June, 2025

I had no thoughts
about anything at all

Saturday 28th June, 2025

I got so hot I felt quite weird

Sunday 29th June, 2025

A beach of stones
and no shadows
at all

Monday 30th June

Not a very productive day
Not a very productive
month

Tuesday 1st July, 2025

It was hot
again

But we did at least see a baby robin in the garden

Wednesday 2nd July, 2025

This diary might well be the most depressing document of a human life ever committed to the page

Saturday 5th July, 2025

Not feeling well
again

Sunday 6th July, 2025

Shivering/sweating
in alternating turns

Monday 7th July, 2025

My eyes ache trying to see the screen and the endlessly tiny text every program seems to use no matter what settings you choose

Tuesday 8th July, 2025

An outbreak of ladybirds

A benign plague
if ever there was one

Wednesday 9th July, 2025

I itch
everywhere
in this heat

Thursday 10th July, 2025

A ladybird landed in my beard
today

Friday 11th July, 2025

A baby robin
is an absurd little
thing

Saturday 12th July, 2025

So hot all night
and yet not so hot all day

The worst of all worlds (perhaps)

Sunday 13th July, 2025

The baby robin
is still around

Monday 14th July, 2025

Writing is hard
(sometimes)

Tuesday 15th July, 2025

For the first time in at least six months
the cash machine at the co-op
actually worked

Wednesday 16th July, 2025

I won at bowls
in the garden
Which was nice

Friday 18th July, 2025

They started digging up the road outside my window
at ten minutes to midnight
And did not stop digging
all bloody night

Saturday 19th July, 2025

A spider appeared
and then disappeared
around the edges of this book

I hope it’s not now squashed
between some future pages
nor some long past

Sunday 20th July, 2025

Rain
on the first day of the summer holidays
as it should be

Monday 21st July, 2025

Distant thunder
is the most disappointing
thunder

Saturday 26th July, 2025

I have barely any feeling on the top of my right foot
in a line from the big toe
all the way to near my ankle

Permanent pins and needles
occasionally broken
by piercing jolts of pain

Tuesday 29th July, 2025

Skies of endless grey
(it’s quite nice)

Wednesday 30th July, 2025

Weird dreams
and nothing else
to remember

Thursday 31st July, 2025

I tried doing
something
anything
today.

But I failed

Friday 1st August, 2025

Hopefully now finally I am free (of monster hunter)

Saturday 2nd August, 2025

It seems too early for football again

Sunday 3rd August, 2025

I feel worthless
surprisingly often

Monday 4th August, 2025

Still somewhat scared of my new laptop

Tuesday 5th August, 2025

I just do nothing
generally

Wednesday 6th August, 2025

Had a haircut

Thursday 7th August, 2025

The Goonies has a lot more swearing in it than ITV ever let on.

Saturday 8th August, 2025

My phone is absolutely shit.

Wednesday 13th August, 2025

My nieces are absolutely obsessed
with K-Pop Demon Hunters
in a slightly terrifying
all encompassing
way

Thursday 14th August, 2025

I made a kite
and it actually flew
(which was nice)

Friday 15th August, 2025

Hot again. I did nothing

Saturday 16th August, 2025

Pickled some chillies.

Sunday 17th August, 2025

Could hear an astonishingly awful Oasis tribute band playing over the park.

Monday 18th August, 2025

Off on holiday tomorrow

Friday 29th August, 2025

While I was on holiday I got ill again.

Saturday 30th August, 2025

While I was on holiday I read:

Strangers On A Train by Patricia Highsmith
Shipwreck by John Fowles
The Stone Door by Leonora Carrington
O Cruel Alexis by Virgil
The Great Wingbury Duel by Charles Dickens
Lighthouses in 2023 (no attributed author)
The Course Of The Heart by M. John Harrison
Wivenhoe by Samuel Fisher
Under The Eye of The Big Bird by Hiromi Kawakami

Sunday 31st August, 2025

The sun shone for a bit. I still don’t feel that well.

__________

Notes:

1. Written in June, July and August 2025

Tuesday 1st April, 2025

Birds are endlessly fascinating
yet always strangely
unknowable

I would like to be their friend
but know
no friendship is possible

Wednesday 2nd April, 2025

Back in my bedroom
redecorated
and rearranged

Its nice
and strangely spacious
after 11 years
of the old furniture
formation

Thursday 3rd April, 2025

At the park
a swan
for the first time in years

Friday 4th April, 2025

The sun was out
and we sat a robin
building itself a nest
and looking quite happy
with itself

Saturday 5th April, 2025

Sunny day
early birthday party
Could have been summer
nearly

Sunday 6th April, 2025

Easter eggs in the garden
a full two weeks
before easter
(eggs
in the garden)

Monday 7th April, 2025

The ruins
of old castle
have been ruins
for hundreds of years longer
than they were castles

Tuesday 8th April, 2025

Crabs
in a bucket
looking lost
forlorn
furious
frightened
alone

Wednesday 9th April, 2025

A tiny train station
in an Essex cul de sac
as if it was a private platform
for two random families

Thursday 10th April, 2025

Bookcases
and shelves
back on my walls

I almost feel
home
again

Friday 11th April, 2025

A moon rising
above the hill
as bright as any sun

Monday 14th April, 2025

I want to be moved
but mostly
feel bored

Tuesday 15th April, 2025

Some times I have ideas that I know years ago I’d have done something with. But now I just allow them to fade away unmade

Wednesday 16th April, 2025

Depressed
and sick
and more tired
than I will probably truly ever know

Thursday 17th April, 2025

Today
was mostly
quite a nice
day

Friday 18th April, 2025

The water
leaks
endlessly
through unseen
gaps

There is no stopping it
no matter how much
you try

Saturday 19th April, 2025

The sea is too bright
too wide
too frighteningly deep

Tuesday 29th April, 2025

A spot under the hair on the back of my head
feels
astonishingly huge
yet in reality
is barely even there

Wednesday 30th April

Today I spent almost all of my money (on a new laptop)
And I barely even felt guilty
for once

__________

Notes:

1. Written April 2025

Saturday 1st March, 2025

A tiny hole in my leg
bleeding
down my shin

It doesn’t hurt.
If I wasn’t looking at it
I wouldn’t even have realised
the mess
it was making

Sunday 2nd March, 2025

Heavy frost
One last breath of winter
on the second day of spring

Monday 3rd March, 2025

I sat by the river
and watched
the river
that I sat by

Tuesday 4th March, 2025

TCP tastes
of childhood

Wednesday 5th March, 2025

I can’t think of anything to say
tonight
today
tomorrow

Saturday 8th March, 2025

It actually felt like spring today
(but I still wore my winter hat)

Sunday 9th March, 2025

A bluetit in the garden
looking in the birdbox
then moving on
unimpressed

Monday 10th March, 2025

My tongue aches
slightly swollen
for reasons unknown

Tuesday 11th March, 2025

I had my hair cut
short as can be
but my beard remains the same

Wednesday 12th March, 2025

Penalty shootouts are weirdly deflating
no real joy
or satisfaction
in the aftermath

Even in the moment
the excitement
teeters on the edge
of dread

Thursday 13th March, 2025

Put too much cream in the curry
if such a thing is possible

But still it was quite nice

Friday 14th March, 2025

I’m not sure
what I feel
anymore

Saturday 15th March, 2025

Everything
is more effort
than I feel it’s worth

Sunday 16th March, 2025

They never seem to play football over the park anymore.
What a waste of a Sunday
if they don’t

Monday 17th March, 2025

Tomorrow I promise
to do something
useful

Today I promise
nothing

Tuesday 18th March, 2025

A world that actually seems to want
its own degradation

Anxiety wells up in me
like blood
from a self inflicted wound

Wednesday 19th March, 2025

Dad saw a lizard
but it was gone
by the time I looked

Thursday 20th March, 2025

Neil Young’s middle name is Percival

Friday 21st March, 2025

Mum’s ipad died
800 pounds
for about four years

What a fucking waste
of huge amounts of money

Saturday 22nd March, 2025

The cinema
is the only place
I seem to like
to be

Sunday 23rd March, 2025

Sat cross legged
for long enough to get
pins and needles.

Now it won’t go away.
A slight sense of unreality
added to every step

Monday 24th March, 2025

A cormorant
flying low
over the long wind of the river
is always
a magnificent thing

Tuesday 25th March, 2025

It’s not so much that I feel like a failure
that hurts

It’s that I am a failure
and I fail
on and on
each failure
the same
as every
other
in its
insignificance
to anyone
but
me

Wednesday 26th March, 2025

Egrets always look so elegant
making their way along the edge of the river
stepping silently through the oozing mud
eating absolute shite off the floor

Thursday 27th March, 2025

Strange bugs on the pavement
the size and colour of ladybirds
but the shape
of flies

Friday 28th March, 2025

Moving slowly
so as to try
not to weep

Saturday 29th March, 2025

The sun
slowly eaten
by the moon

Sunday 30th March, 2025

A robin
drinking from the bird bath
all on its own

Monday 31st March, 2025

My toenails
break
and crack
and bleed
in my socks
in my shoes

___________

Notes:

1. Written in March 2025

Saturday 1st February, 2025

Cold, tired
shivering
unproductively
at my desk

Sunday 2nd February, 2025

Outside
a lingering cold
slowly dissipated
as the day wore on

Monday 3rd February, 2025

All my plans come pre-abandoned

Tuesday 4th February, 2025

In the co-op the man stacking shelves spoke to me as if he knew me and I knew him.
But I didn’t know him
as far as I could tell

This threw me for the rest of the day
is still throwing me
now

Wednesday 5th February, 2025

The wing fell off the dragon my nephew made for me
6 or 7 years ago

I wonder if he remembers it
if he knows that it still sits here on my desk
glaring at me
whenever I look up from the page
and glance in its direction

Thursday 6th February, 2025

I feel anxious
always
It’s tiring
always

Friday 7th February, 2025

In the wet
and the rain
the cold seeps on
through your shoes

Saturday 8th February, 2025

Squirrels
in the rain
seem even more energetic
than usual

Sunday 9th February, 2025

Still raining
which is nice
I suppose

At least today I didn’t have to go out in it
didn’t really have to acknowledge it at all

Monday 10th February, 2025

There’s so little I’m good at
it should be upsetting

But with age comes acceptance
of your own unending incompetence

(if not that of others)

Tuesday 11th February, 2025

Tiny cuts on my fingertips
where the fingernails touch the sides

You don’t notice it really
until you start to write

Then it hurts like hell

Wednesday 12th February, 2025

Forget to write anything last night
so I’m writing this on Thursday morning

I still don’t have anything to say

Thursday 13th February, 2025

I thought maybe by keeping this diary something interesting would come out of it, some sort of insight arising from contemplating each day as a whole to find some tiny facet of it worthy of note that otherwise I’d have missed.

But I’m not sure that’s happened so far. The days still drift away without note
meaning lost or never acquired

I exist
but without reason
without interaction
with the wider world

Friday 14th February, 2025

Preparations made
for coming guests
The only time all year
I tidy my desk

Saturday 15th February, 2025

They have arrived.
Loudness
mess
and bursts of joy

Sunday 16th February, 2025

Bought strawberries in winter
(shouldn’t have bothered)

Monday 17th February, 2025

Urgh
Nits

Even if I haven’t caught them off the children
My heads still going to itch
as if I have

Tuesday 18th February, 2025

The world is a terrible place
and all the people in it
seem intent on making sure of it

(We all have nits now, too, just to make it worse)

Thursday 20th February, 2025

Everybody’s gone
and the house is dead
and quiet
and slightly empty
and sadder than it was
before

Friday 21st February, 2025

We’ve moved my bed into the other room
and it doesn’t feel right
sleeping somewhere else

Saturday 22nd February, 2025

Driving seems designed to be as unenjoyable as can be

Broken roads, broken drivers
and nowhere anywhere to park

Sunday 23rd February, 2025

Felt weirdly sick
from about 3 o’clock
all the way to midnight

Monday 24th February, 2025

Yesterday I felt awful
and today I felt
okay

Tuesday 25th February, 2025

All I can hear at night
is the sound of machinery
grinding on
in the distance

Wednesday 26th February, 2025

All the footage of rotting animals in A Zed And Two Noughts made me feel oddly queasy. Perhaps because it reminded me of when we found a dead hedgehog by the side of the road, when we were children, and as I looked at the maggots writhing away inside it, I felt as if they were writhing in me.

Thursday 27th February, 2025

A thousand crows
unscared
in a field

Friday 28th February, 2025

A film halfwatched
is a terrible thing

More unsatisfying even
than watching it all

__________

Notes:

1. Written in February 2025