Tales From The Town #163: An Amazing Aggregation Of Articulate Assessment

“Accessary,” Tina said.

“Ooh, let me think,” Daniel said, tapping his chin with his finger as he thought very carefully about his answer. “9.”

Ethel scribbled something down on the book her and Tina were reading and nodded in agreement.

“Accumulation,” Tina said.

“Hmmm,” said Daniel. “8.”

“WRONG!” Claire shouted from across the room. “The actual answer is 13!”

“What actual answer?” Ethel said. “You don’t even know what we’re doing!”

“I do!” Claire said, throwing her hairbrush on the floor and then running over so she could loom authoritatively over the others. “You’re playing “how many letters does this word have“. And the answer is that accumulation has 13. A. C. C. U. M. M. U. L. A. T. I. O. N.”

She counted the letters off with her fingers and then finally also Daniel’s fingers.

“We’re not playing that,” said Daniel, taking his fingers back under his own control again.

“We’ve never even heard of that,” said Ethel.

“And if we were playing that, the answer would be 12,” said Tina. “Accumulation only has one M.”

She showed Claire the relevant article in the dictionary as proof.

“Not when I spell it it doesn’t,” said Claire. “And anyway, that’s still closer than Daniel’s answer. So I still won.”

“But we aren’t playing that,” Tina said again. “So no one won.”

“We aren’t playing anything,” Daniel said. “We’re reviewing. And I gave “accumulation” 8 marks out of 10!”

“You’re reviewing… words?” Claire said.

“Yep!” Daniel said. “Straight from the dictionary!”

“But… ” Claire said. “But… WHY?!”

“Daniel’s looking for a new favourite word,” said Tina.

“He’s totally over abyss,” said Ethel.

“I never want to see an abyss ever again!” said Daniel. “Or smell one.”

“Well how about boring, then?” Claire said. “Or stupid? Cause that’s what this game is!”

“We’re still on A,” Tina explained.

“So those words are (2) absolutely (7) anti (6) appropriate (5)!” Daniel said, holding up the requisite number of fingers as he said each A word.

“Anti is not a word,” Claire said. “It’s a bit of a word.”

“You’re a bit of a word,” said Ethel.

“Yeah, well you’re not even a word at all,” said Claire. “You’re just air!”

“That’s only a 2,” said Daniel.

“If we were playing by my rules it’d be a 3,” said Claire.

“But we’re not playing by your rules,” Tina said.

“Because your rules are annoying,” Ethel said, holding up 6 fingers.

“At least then the answers would mean something,” Claire said. “Instead of being Daniel’s opinion.”

“What’s wrong with Daniel’s opinions?” Tina asked.

“Everything,” Claire said. “And we all know it.”

“Only because we’ve made a list,” Ethel said, pointing to the annotations they’d made in the dictionary. “Otherwise we wouldn’t know what Daniel thinks about… acciaccatura!”

“10!” Daniel said, with alarming alacrity.

“You don’t even know what that word means,” Claire said. “What’s the point of rating a word on how it sounds?”

“It’s really fun to say!” said Daniel. “Acciaccatura! See?”

“You don’t know what it means AND you don’t know how to say it,” Claire said, even though she didn’t know how to say it either. But it definitely wasn’t how Daniel said it, she knew that much.

“Also, ‘an acciaccatura is a very short appoggiatura’,” Ethel read out loud. “So now we all know what it means.”

“11!” Daniel announced with astonished adoration. “I wish I was an appoggiatura!”

“You probably are,” Claire said (apoplectically). “You probably all are!

“Claire, you can’t just end every conversation we have by shouting at us,” Tina said.

“I can,” Claire said. “And I will.” She stood up on tiptoes so she could see over the top of the dictionary and then tried to read it upside down. “Accordionly! So THERE!”

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Notes:

1. Written on May 21, 2024

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Tales From The Town #162: The Sounds Of Spring

(listed in order of loudness/pleasantness)

Birds
Bees
Insects
Whispering
Giggling
Swing creaking
Trampolene squeaking
Distant laughter
Not so distant laughter
School sportsday cheering
Car stereos (in passing)
Neighbour’s radio (in perpetuity)
Hoovers
Lawnmowers
Strimmers
Hammers and/or drills
Motorbikes
Ice Cream Van
Claire

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Notes:

1. Written on May 20th, 2024

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


Tales From The Town #161: Stinkhole

“And where do you think you’re all going?” Claire said as she caught the others trying to sneak out of the back door. “You better not be going somewhere without me!”

“Out,” said Ethel. “And you can’t come, Claire. You’re ill off school.”

“Not any more I’m not. It’s the weekend,” Claire said, already putting on her boots. “So where are we going, then?”

“We don’t know,” said Tina.

“We’re just following Daniel,” said Ethel.

“We’re going to see the stinkhole,” said Daniel. “It’s brand new!

“The what?!

“The stinkhole!

“You just made that up, Daniel,” said Claire. “There’s no such thing as stinkholes.”

“We think,” said Tina. “That Daniel means a sinkhole.”

“No, I mean a stinkhole,” Daniel said.” A stinkhole is a sinkhole that stinks. And this stinkhole stinks so much that if you smell it at all you die INSTANTLY!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t sound likely,” Claire said, as she finished tying her shoelaces. “I mean, if everyone died as soon as they smelt it, who’d be around to know that smelling it killed you? Cause everyone that had smelt it would be dead!”

“Ted said,” Daniel said.

“And…?”

“And Ted doesn’t have a sense of smell,” Daniel explained. “So he survived.”

“Oh right, that actually makes quite a lot of sense,” said Claire, putting on her sunhat and following the others out of the door. “I still don’t know why you’re so excited by a hole, though, Daniel. Holes are rubbish. Like the well. Or Dad’s boring cave full of stupid crabs.”

“I dunno,” Daniel shrugged, before finally giving in to all his excitement and sprinting off towards the fields behind the garden that went up towards the cliffs which was where the stinkhole supposedly was. “I just want to see what it smells like!”

“Last one there’s a rotten Claire!” said Ethel, as her and Tina ran after Daniel.

“You can’t see smells, Daniel!” Claire shouted after them, indignantly. “Hey, wait, how are WE going to survive?”

But whatever her misgivings, Claire still trudged off up the path behind the others as they made their way towards the stinkhole and all that it promised to be.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 19th, 2024

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If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


Tales From The Town #159: A Stupid List Of Stupid Things

A List Of Things That Are Stupid

Anna
Anna’s room
Anna’s films
Anna’s college
Anna’s fellow students
Being nice (concept of)
Dad’s old junk he left in the loft
Ethel
Everyone
Frogs
Girls who like mermaids
Gretel
Hansel
Hard boiled eggs (in general)
Hard boiled eggs (specifically Daniel’s hard boiled egg)
Lists
Lukas’s old fashioned hair
Mermaids
Nice Dogs (concept of)
Pacifism (in general)
Pacifism (in the specific idea that it would forbid you from kicking footballs)
Poems (in general)
Poems (specifically Tina’s poems)
Poems (unpublished and/or secret)
Poetry (idea of)
Postcards (general)
Postcards (specifically Dad’s postcards)
The idea that maybe Claire is pretending to think poetry is stupid purely because she actually thinks poetry isn’t stupid but she doesn’t want anyone to know that.
The idea that all four children are the same age just because they’re quadruplets (Claire’s the oldest!)
The idea that context and intention change the meaning of words
Rapunzel (character)
Rapunzel (hair)
Rapunzel (plot of)
Rocks
School
Shoelaces
Snow
Things
Tina
Tina’s Car Game That She Made Them Play One Time
Velcro

A List Of Things That Are Not Stupid

Claire

(References: Tale #1; Tale #20; Tale #28; Tale #30; Tale #49; Tale #66; Tale #68; Tale #70; Tale #72; Tale #84; Tale #102; Tale #106; Tale #115; Tale #117; Tale #132; Tale #134; Tale #135; Tale #148; Tale #150; Tale #156; Tale #157; Tale #159)

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


Tales From The Town #158: The Witch’s Birthday

She didn’t see anyone all day, and that was how she liked it.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 15th, 2024

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!