They streamed into town, one sunday afternoon, and occupied the car park as if it was their own. Then they all streamed out of town, that same sunday afternoon, an hour before dusk.
It was like a dream, or a fever. There was no way to tell if they’d ever even been there. By the next morning even the discarded chip wrappers were gone.
__________
Notes:
1. Written on October 16th, 2024
__________The sad clown wasn’t sad at all. His frown was painted on, and his tears were all for show.
No one trusted a happy man. Smiles, good cheer, friendliness, it all made everyone feel uncomfortable. It just wasn’t worth the hassle.
So now he lived his lie
all alone
in the silence and solitude
of his own happy home.
___________
Notes:
1. Written on October 16th, 2024
__________Flames in the night are an evocative thing.
We look into them
and see
__________
Notes:
1. Written on October 16th, 2024
__________Panel 1: Facts About… Conkers!!!!! (the words “with Daniel” are written below in all caps, while the “o” in conkers has been made to look like a conker. Below all that there’s a full portrait picture of Daniel swirling his long hair that is like a viking’s hair around)
Panel 2: Daniel is now also swirling a conker around on a piece of string – “Conkers?”
Panel 3: Daniel is now upside down and also in the middle of what looks like an explosion. Who knows where the conker has gone – “BONKERS!!!”
Please Note: The “Facts About” format is owned by Claire and if you would like to publish your own verified facts in comic strip form please send £1 in licensing fees to Claire at claire@claire.claire
______
“What the hell is this, Daniel?” Claire shouted, holding Daniel’s comic strip in one hand and then furiously jabbing at it with the other.
“It’s… BONKERS!!!” said Daniel.
“Yeah, well, maybe, but it’s not about Halloween at all,” Claire said.
“I know,” said Daniel. “It’s about conkers.”
“You were supposed to be writing about Halloween, Daniel!” Claire said. “I told you to write about Halloween!”
“But I love conkers,” Daniel said. “Because they’re BONKERS!”
“Maybe they are,” Claire said. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re upside down in that last panel. And in the middle of an explosion.”
“An explosion,” said Daniel, leaning over to point at his drawing to explain its intricacies. “And an implosion. The outer one is the explosion and the inner one is the implosion.”
“I see,” Claire said. “Well, whatever, Daniel, it’s your pound. Now pay up.”
She held out her hand to accept her licensing fee from Daniel, who reached into his pocket, withdrew a nice shining £1 coin that he’d spent all morning shining up just for this occasion, and then flicked it up into the air for her to catch, although Claire didn’t catch it, but dropped it, ineptly, and then they both watched as it hit the floor and rolled all the way between both of their legs, past the cat, and then into a cobweb in the corner at the back under the desk that had been there for as long as they could remember, even though none of them had ever seen a spider in their room, not ever.
“Why are you paying Claire, Daniel?” Tina asked, as she rolled her chair back so that Claire could reach into the cobweb to retrieve her payment.”Shouldn’t she be paying you?”
“Yeah, Claire didn’t do anything except complain,” Ethel said. She was sitting on the window ledge for some reason. “Why’s she the one getting paid?”
“Because I’m the editor,” said Claire, emerging from beneath the desk with some cobwebs in her hair and a pound coin in her hand and a spider crawling all over her jumper. “That’s the most important job of all.”
“And I’m an author now!” Daniel said excitedly, doing a backflip onto his bed to prove it. “I’m going to be so rich!”
PS: After this story finished everyone was killed by the spider because it was Halloween. THE END
PPS: Then the cat ate the spider.
PPPS: Also Ethel was a vampire in this story.
PPPPS: That’s why she was sitting on the windowledge.
PPPPPS: Daniel! Stop adding things to the end of this story! It’s confusing!
PPPPPPS: No it’s not. It’s unconfusing! Now everyone knows what happens after the story ended.
PPPPPPPS: But no one cares what happens after the story ended. I got my money, and that’s the entire point of the story!
PPPPPPPPS: Did you know, that that pound coin was haunted?!!!!!!!
PPPPPPPPPS: Stop ruining everything, Daniel. There’s no such thing as a haunted pound coin!
PPPPPPPPPPS: Also Tina is a werewolf!
PPPPPPPPPPPS: Daniel, I’m warning you, if you don’t shut up right now I’m never letting you write another comic strip ever again!
PPPPPPPPPPPPS: Mum is also a werewolf. From space!
PPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (The comic strip has now been thrown in the bin)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPS (Doors have been slammed)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPS: (Daniel’s pound has not been returned)
___________
Notes:
1. Written on October 25th, 2024
__________Panel 1: Facts About… Halloween!!!!! (all caps, with spooky shadows and a quintuple exclamation mark at the end, above a small close up of Claire and the words “with Claire!!!” written in a blood red and slightly haunted font that continually drips blood. Also Claire’s face is orange for some reason)
Panel 2: Close up on Claire’s orange face – “Halloween?”
Panel 3: Closer up on Claire’s orange face – “Holloween more like!”
Please Note: If you would like to carve Facts About… With Claire! into a pumpkin please contact Claire at claire@claire.claire for the necessary and specific permissions that only Claire can grant.
“I don’t get it,” said Daniel.
“Because you’re stupid,” Claire said. “Everyone else gets it.”
“I don’t get it either,” said Ethel.
“Yeah, I’m not sure I really do, either, Claire,” Tina said.
“Urgh,” said Claire. “It’s a pun. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to everyone.”
“Yes, but a pun about what?” Tina asked.
“About halloween!” Claire shouted. “Hollow sounds a bit like hallow, right?”
“Yeah, but… what does hollowness have to do with halloween?” Tina asked.
“Hollow like a pumpkin!” Claire said. “I even coloured my face in orange so it was obvious.”
“We just thought that was how your face always looks,” Ethel said. “Due to Wotsits!”
“Shut up, Ethel!” Claire said. “Anyway, I’d like to see any of you come up with a better joke that is also a fact that fits the theme of the comic strip for this week, once a week, every week, for ever! It’s not easy at all. It takes me absolutely ages to even come up with one of these.”
“Claire’s comic strip?” Ethel said. “Claire’s moronic strip more like!”
“That’s not a fact,” Claire said. “It’s an opinion.”
“Ghosts?” Tina ventured. “NO-sts more like!” She looked up at Claire’s intense unblinking stare for a few moments, before feeling that maybe she needed to offer up an explanation for the joke just in case. “Because, you know, there’s no such thing as ghosts.”
“Obviously,” said Claire. “But I can’t just be printing everyday facts in the comic strip. They need to be funny.”
“Mine was funny,” Tina said.
“No it wasn’t,” Claire said. “It was clever. No one wants to read comic strips that are clever. No one.”
“Anna does,” Ethel said.
“Exactly,” said Claire. “And Anna’s an idiot.”
“And Dad does,” Tina said.
“Dad’s comic strips are stupid,” said Claire. “And boring. No one even knows what they’re about.” She stared at her two sisters with a look of triumph on her face. “So anyway, I think this has all proved that I’m the best at writing comics and everyone else is the worst. I WIN!”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Tina said. “That’s not how comic strips work.”
“You can’t win at comic strips,” Claire said. “Whereas I definitely ca-”
“Oh, I get it now,” Daniel suddenly said.
“What?” Claire said.
“”Pumpkins? Plumpkins more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up, Daniel,” Claire said. “I’ve already won.”
“Treat or treat! Trick or eat more like!” Daniel said.
“Daniel!”
“October? Shocktober more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Werewolves? Scarewolves more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Ghostly slime? Mostly lime more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Hula hoops? Cthulhu hoops more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Bonfire night? Bonfire fright more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Vampires? Hampires more like!” Daniel said.
“S-”
“Frankenstein’s monster? Frankenstein’s imposter more like!” Daniel said.
“Sh-”
“Ghouls? Fools more like!” Daniel said.
“Shu-”
“Spooktacular? Shoot Dracula more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut-”
“Skeletons? Smellytons more like!!” Daniel said.
“Shut u-”
“Superheroes? Superweirdos more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up-”
“Eyeballs? Cryballs more like!” Daniel said.
“Shut up!”
“Cats? Bats more like!” Daniel said, before quickly adding, “Bats? Cats more like!”
“SHUT UP!” Claire said. “Daniel, you’re ruining everything. You need to stop.”
“But I’ve only just started,” said Daniel. “Fireworks? Direworks more like! Clowns? Frowns more like! Mannequins? Mannelimbs more like! A haunted house? A haunted mouse more like! Ravens? Rave-offs more like! Spider webs? Cider legs more like! Slugs? Mugs more like! Zombies? Wrongbies more like! Autumn? Boretumn more like! Headless horsemen? Headless norsemen more like! Half term? Scarf term more like! Hedgehogs? Hedgedogs more like! Halloween? Halloscream more like!”
“Why is he so good at this?” Claire sat down and moaned. “It’s so unfair.”
___________
Notes:
1. Written between September 30th and October 7th, 2024
__________