It was the night before whatever day it is that comes after Halloween. It was dark outside, quite cold, raining (probably), and windy (definitely). The power was off, and nobody could even use their phones any more because the batteries had run out hours ago, so there was nothing at all for any of them to do except sit in the living room with some sweets and tell each other scary stories by torchlight.
And for those of us who weren’t invited, maybe we can put our ear to the door, stand as quietly as we can, and listen in. We might have missed the start, but we’re sure to hear the rest….
Tina’s Spooky Story For Halloween (fragment)
…for they knew that when the sun came up, they would never be able to see each other ever ever again.
Intermission/Interpretation
“And that’s the end of The Halloween Parting,” said Tina, as she closed her book and looked up slightly shyly at her audience.
“Wow,” said Daniel. “Spooky!”
“And amazing!” said Ethel, breaking into applause and throwing various packs of sweets at Tina to celebrate her storytelling triumph. “Best story ever!”
“What? No it wasn’t!” said Claire. “It was awful.”
“You’re awful,” said Ethel.
“Shut up,” said Claire. “This was the worst spooky story ever and you all know it.”
“I don’t know it,” said Daniel.
“You don’t know anything,” said Claire.
“Claire doesn’t have to like my story if she doesn’t want to,” Tina said quietly, sadly.
“Which is just as well, because I hated it,” said Claire. “First of all it wasn’t spooky at all.”
“But it had a vampire in it!” said Daniel. “And a frankenstein!”
“And they were in love!” said Ethel.
“Which means it was a romance,” said Claire. “So not even spooky in the slightest. And secondly it was a stupid romance, because if they were so in love why didn’t they just tell each other instead of not telling each other?”
“Because a vampire and a frankenstein can never be together,” said Daniel.
“Why not?”
“Vampire’s drink blood, and frankensteins don’t have any blood,” said Ethel.
“Only embalming fluid,” said Daniel.
“It’s what makes it so tragic,” Ethel added, tears welling up again as she contemplated just how sad the story was.
“Tragically awful,” said Claire. “None of that was even in the story anyway.”
“It was implied,” said Ethel.
“No it wasn’t,” Claire said. “And thirdly they weren’t even real vampires or frankensteins. They were just wearing costumes. Which is stupid. They could have been anyone, dressed up as anything.”
“It’s a metaphor,” said Tina, almost inaudibly.
“There’s no point explaining it, Tina,” said Ethel. “Claire doesn’t know what a metaphor even is.”
“Of course I know what a metaphor is,” said Claire. “It means that the story means even less than you thought it meant in the first place. And I already thought that it meant absolutely nothing at all!” Claire glared at everyone to prove she was right and they were wrong. “So Tina should put those sweets back in the blow so someone who tells an actual spooky story about something instead of a stupid love story about nothing can win them.”
Tina silently passed her torch over to Ethel and receded slowly, ignominiously, into the shadows. Beside her, in the eerie pale LED glow, Ethel stood up, waited until the rhythmic thud of sweets being returned to the fruit bowl had faded, and began to tell her terrible tale of terror…
Ethel’s Spooky Story For Halloween
This story is called The Spooky Old Tree Full Of Spiders and it was written by me, Ethel, and no one else, especially not Claire, so if hers is similar to this it’s because she copied me and I didn’t copy her at all.
Now, if you go down to the woods today, you’ll see a spooky old tree that used to be full of spiders. Big ones, little ones, poisonous ones, venomous ones, those hairy ones that look like they live on dad’s back. Just millions of spiders. Billions of them. Maybe even trillions of them. Nobody knows because no one, not even a computer, not even Claire, could count that high.
But did you see how I said it used to be full of spiders? That’s because now there’s no spiders in that tree at all. There’s not even any cobwebs.
So where have they gone? Nobody knows. But they must have gone somewhere. Perhaps they’re right here in our house, in this room, about to crawl out from beneath the rug or drop down from the ceiling or come rushing at us in a great big wave out of the chimney to EAT US ALIVE TO DEATH RIGHT NOW!
Intermission/Interruption
“Aaaaaaaaaargh!” Claire screamed.
“Haha! I scared Claire!” said Ethel, pretty proudly. “With imaginary spiders!”
“No you didn’t!” Claire said. “It was Mum.”
“Mum? What did Mum do? She’s not even here.”
“She opened the door,” said Claire.
“No she didn’t,” said Ethel.
“No one opened the door at all,” said Tina.
“Someone opened the door,” said Claire. “Otherwise it’d be closed.”
“It is closed,” said Daniel. He reached out and pushed it firmly shut with his foot to prove it.
“Only because Mum obviously closed it again when I screamed,” said Claire. “That’s why you should always scream at spiders. Because it scares them off.”
“Mum’s not a spider,” said Ethel.
“She’s worse than a spider,” said Claire. “And she’s much worse than Ethel’s stupid story about spiders.”
“Worse as in scarier or worse as in more awful?” Tina asked.
“Worse as in way scarier because Ethel’s story wasn’t scary at all,” said Claire. “And worse because spiders can’t open doors and spy on us but Mum can. And did. I wouldn’t have screamed otherwise.”
“Why would Mum spy on us?” Tina asked.
“Why wouldn’t Mum spy on us?” Claire asked back.
“Maybe she wants to hear our stories,” said Daniel.
“Why would she want to hear these stories?” said Claire. “They’re not even scary AND they’re boring.”
“Mine wasn’t boring,” Ethel said.
“Well it certainly wasn’t scary,” said Claire. “It was barely even spooky.”
“I thought it was scary,” said Daniel, quietly, from underneath the settee.
“Only because you’re scared of everything,” Claire said.
“I’m not scared of every thing, although I can be scared by any thing” said Daniel, thinking of all the things he had ever been scared of as he said it and slightly scaring himself all over again as he thought it. “And I’ll tell you what I definitely am scared of. My very own SPOOKY STORY (that is also scary and definitely not even slightly boring at all)!”
He took the torch from Ethel, flicked it into the battery saving quick flash mode (the spookiest of all the torch’s modes), and began to tell his tale to the assembled crowd (and Mum if she was still listening just outside the door)…
Daniel’s Spooky Story For Halloween
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, in a land not very far from here because it was ACTUALLY HERE, in the middle of winter, after school, in the RAIN, and also the SNOW (and it was pretty windy too, and getting dark), instead of coming home with you three, like a good boy, I walked all the way to Nanny’s house instead, like a really good boy, because it was her birthday, and I wanted to give her a present and also show off my new coat, which was bright red, and had a hood, which was also bright red, and it was HUGE! It came right down to my nose!
So I walked through the woods, past the witch’s house, round the pylon, past the witch’s house again, and then back through the woods, all the way to Nanny’s house.
“Hey Nanny!” I said. “It’s me, Daniel! And I’m wearing a super cool super warm super amazing red coat. And also I’ve brought you some tasty presents for your birthday! Which it is! Today!”
But Nanny wasn’t there. I looked all round and she wasn’t anywhere. She wasn’t in the kitchen, she wasn’t watching TV, she wasn’t in her bedroom, she wasn’t in the spare bedroom, she wasn’t on the roof, she wasn’t anywhere. But then I saw her come rolling out of the cupboard under the stairs and trundling off into the living room, and then she called out, in a voice that sounded EXACTLY like Nanny’s, but also different somehow. “Oh, Daniel, is that you my dear? Why don’t you come down here so Nanny can say hello to her very favourite grandson with her very own voice and look upon you with her very own eyes!”
So I went downstairs, and there was Nanny, sitting in the living room, watching SNOOKER! Or was it darts? It was either snooker or darts. Or bowls. Something utterly unwatchable by normal human eyes, anyway.
“Here I am Nanny!” I said, and Nanny looked at me with her very own eyes, which looked exactly like Nanny’s eyes had always looked, but also slightly different somehow.
“Wow, Nanny, your very own eyes are huge!” I said. “And they never ever blink!”
“All the better to see you with,” Nanny said. “Now why don’t you come a little closer, so I can touch your nice bright red coat with my very own hands and feel how cool yet warm this amazing piece of clothing is!”
So I stood a little bit closer, and Nanny ran her hands up and down my sleeve, which felt exactly like it always feels when Nanny runs her hand up and down our sleeves, but also slightly different somehow.
“Wow, Nanny, your hands are like big metal irons,” I said. “And they hum so loudly!”
“All the better to straighten out all the little creases,” Nanny said. “Now why don’t you shove those tasty presents in that basket you brought me right into my mouth like a good boy.”
“Wow, Nanny, what big sharp weird teeth made out of cogs and knives and whizzing whirring blades you have,” I said, as I began pushing all the bananas I’d brought from home into her mouth.
“All the better to maximise nutrient extraction,” she said, as she minced up those bananas into a weird paste with her food processor mouth, exactly like she always did, except slightly different somehow.
And it was only then, as she enjoyed her disgusting, revolting, inedible, uneatable, utterly inhumanely dreadful bananas, exactly like she always did, that I realised that Nanny wasn’t a human at all.
She was a robot!
Intermission/Interrogation
“And that’s the end of my spooky story for spookyween,” said Daniel, taking a packet of wiggly strawberry worms out of the fruitbowl to celebrate a tale well told.
“That is not a spooky tale, Daniel,” said Claire, taking his packet of wiggly strawberry worms away from him and putting them back in the bowl. “It’s just Little Red Riding Hood with a robot at the end. So no wiggly worms.”
“Oh come on Claire,” Tina said. “Let Daniel have his wiggly worms.”
“None of us even like wiggly worms,” Ethel said. “So he might as well have them.”
“Urgh okay, have your stupid wiggly worms,” Claire said, throwing the packet of wiggly worms at Daniel. “It still wasn’t scary in the slightest. Robots are science fiction not spooky fiction.”
“It wasn’t any sort of fiction,” said Daniel. “It’s a true story.”
“No it wasn’t,” said Claire.
“Yes it was,” said Daniel.
“If it was a true story,” said Claire, her eyes narrowing in the torch light. “How did you walk to Nanny’s house, when Nanny lives on the moon?”
“It was before Nanny moved to the moon,” Daniel said. “Obviously.”
“That sounds unlikely,” Claire said. “But okay, if it happened in the past, how come Nanny isn’t a robot now? We’ve seen her loads since then.”
“She is,” said Daniel. “Haven’t you seen how many bananas she eats? And liquorice! If she was a human there’s no way she’d eat liquorice. It’s made out of oil. And bananas are made of sick. And I think also bogies.”
“You never even mentioned liquorice in your stupid made up story. And if she was a robot she wouldn’t eat bananas or liquorice,” said Claire. “She’d eat electricity.”
“Maybe she only eats moon electricity,” said Daniel, with a shrug of his shoulders.
“And why did you take her bananas and liquorice in the first place if only robots eat bananas and liquorice and you didn’t even know she was a robot yet?”
“Because Nanny likes bananas and liquorice,” said Daniel. “And also it was her birthday.”
“Nanny’s birthday isn’t even in the winter,” said Claire. “It’s either in the summer or the spring.”
“Robo-Nanny’s is!” Daniel said. “And also I was getting rid of all our bananas so that Mum couldn’t make any of us eat them. You should be thanking me not interrogating me.”
“You’re the only one here who doesn’t like bananas, Daniel,” Claire said “So what happened to actual Nanny, anyway? Did the robot eat her too?”
“Nothing happened to Nanny,” Daniel said.
“What do you mean, nothing happened to Nanny? Something must have happened to Nanny, otherwise she wouldn’t have replaced by a robot.”
“Nothing happened to Nanny,” Daniel said. “She’s always been a robot.”
“What?!” Claire said. “No she hasn’t.”
“She has,” said Daniel.
“Yeah, that’s the entire point of the story, Claire,” Tina said.
“Otherwise it wouldn’t even make any sense,” said Ethel.
“But it didn’t make sense,” said Claire.
“Stories don’t have to make sense, Claire,” Tina said.
“That doesn’t make sense, either,” Claire said. “At least my story makes sense.”
“I bet it doesn’t,” said Ethel.
“I bet it does,” said Claire. She snatched the torch out of Daniel’s hand with a frightening show of speed. “Now shut up and listen…”
Claire’s Actually Spooky Story For Halloween
“There’s no such thing as ghosts!”
And to prove it, Claire disappeared from existence entirely.
After Show/Aftermath
The torch hit the floor with a thud, bounced up into Daniel’s forehead, hit the floor again, flickered once, and went out. In the ensuing silence and darkness, no one was quite sure if the story had started, paused dramatically mid way through, or finished entirely.
By the time Daniel got the torch back on, Claire really had disappeared from existence entirely.
“So Claire was a ghost all along?” Daniel asked, genuinely quite impressed. “Spooky.”
“Of course Claire’s not a ghost,” Ethel said. “She’s just copying the end of your Nanny story and crossing it with the end of my spider story and then adding in the end of Tina’s vampire story for some sort of annoying effect.”
“Double spooky,” Daniel said, as retrieved the torch and panned it round the room searching for her. “So where is she then?”
“Maybe she sneaked out the door while we were all waiting for her story to start, get going, or end?” Ethel suggested.
“There’s no way Claire sneaked out of anywhere,” said Tina. “Maybe she’s hiding under the sofa?”
“But I’m under the sofa,” said Daniel. “Maybe she climbed up the chimney?”
He pointed the torch up the chimney but she wasn’t there either.
“Maybe she’s behind the curtains?” Ethel suggested, suddenly yanking them open in the hope of revealing Claire but only actually revealing the cat sleeping beside the radiator.
“Perhaps she’s scuttling about on the ceiling?” Tina suggested, and they all very slowly looked up…
…but she wasn’t up there either (unless she’d turned into a spindly little spider, which obviously she hadn’t).
“I suppose this must mean Claire really did never actually exist at all, then?” Daniel said. “Triple spooky.”
“If Claire never existed, who dropped the torch into your face?” Ethel asked.
“Oh yeah,” said Daniel.
“And if Claire never existed, who even suggested this story competition in the first place?” Tina asked.
“Oh yeah,” said Daniel.
“And if Claire never ever existed,” said Ethel, pointing to the empty spot where the fruitbowl where the sweets had been had been. “Who stole all our sweets?”
“Oh no!” said Daniel. Even his packet of wiggly worms was gone.
“And I don’t even like wiggly worms,” said a ghostly ghastly disembodied voice that came from everywhere at once, followed by an equally ghastly ghostly cackling laugh that lasted until midnight and beyond (when Claire fell out of the cupboard with a thump).
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Notes:
1. Written in October, 2025
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