He had eaten his hands and he’d eaten his feet and he’d eaten his legs all the way up to the knees and his arms down to the elbows and he thought to himself that he really needed to think of some alternative ways to support himself because this lifestyle wasn’t particularly sustainable in the long term even though it was incredibly tasty
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Notes:
1. Written on June 19th, 2016
__________I came home early from work one day as there’d been a power cut at work and they said we could go out early for lunch and when I got home there was this lion sat on the doorstep and every time I tried to reach over its head to unlock the door it would bat at my keys with its huge paws and stop me and it was really infuriating. And whenever I tried to move the lion aside it would roar really loudly and cause such a ruckus everyone in the street would turn round to look at me, and I’d get a bit self-conscious and try to calm it down and stop it causing such a scene. I offered it a sandwich out of my lunchbox but it didn’t want a sandwich and I offered it a pack of crisps and it didn’t want a packet of crisps either even though they were skips and cats usually love skips but this cat didn’t and I offered it an apple but it just batted it out of my hand and I watched it roll down the drive and into the road and inevitably then a car drove past and crushed the apple to death and I swear I heard the lion laugh but when I looked back at the lion it wasn’t laughing at all it looked furious and I didn’t know what to do so I went back to work and the power was back on and I didn’t tell anyone about the lion at all in fact I don’t think I spoke to anyone about anything really it was a strange day
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Notes:
1. Written on May 27th, 2016
__________They all had mouths. All of them. And I was fed to every one.
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Notes:
1. Written on August 25th, 2016
__________I was walking in the park with my dad when my shoes broke. The whole heel just snapped off. I picked it up and it was made out of bread. Really dry stale bread.
“Why are shoes made of bread, daddy?”
“Why are your shoes made of bread?” he said.
“What?”
“No one else’s shoes are made of bread. Only yours.”
“What?”
“We thought it’d be funny. We can’t believe you never noticed.”
“What?” I was almost crying now. “Why? I don’t understand.”
I sat down on a bench and pulled the rest of the shoe off. It was all bread. The whole thing was bread, except for the laces, which were made out of liquorice.
“I bet your shoes are bread as well,” I said.
My dad just chuckled and pulled off one of his shoes and showed it to me. It wasn’t bread at all it was leather on top and rubber underneath and laces made of lace or whatever it is laces are made of.
“Didn’t you ever wonder why your shoes came from the bakers in a brown paper bag rather than from the shoe shop in a shoe box like everyone else’s?”
“They sell shoes in woolworths.”
My dad just look confused and I was too distraught to explain why that was a justification of any sort and then he laughed and there was a crowd around us now and they all laughed too.
“He’s only just noticed he’s been wearing bread shoes all these years!” someone said and more and more people came over to look.
I jumped off the bench and tried to run away but the crowd pushed me back and I fell to the floor. My dad stood over me and started to crumble my broken shoe over me and then he pulled the other shoe off my other foot and crumbled that over me as well until I was covered in bits of shoebread. The crowd started shouting “BREAD! SHOE! BREAD! SHOE!” over and over again, and some of them started throwing bits of bread at me that they’d brought with them in bags to feed the birds on the pond but the birds would just have to go hungry today there was more important things going on.
I sat up. I looked at my dad and wept his name as he strode toward me. He picked up his shoe from the bench and hit me with it, right across the cheek. There was a cheer from the crowd and then they started taking their shoes off and throwing them at me as well and I collapsed to the floor and gave up any attempt at resistance.
In the distance like a dream I could hear my sister saying, “Mummy, mummy, come and look David’s just found out his shoes are made from bread!” and I heard my mother laugh and the pair of them hurried over but by the time they got there I was buried beneath a great tomb of shoes and there was nothing left to see.
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Notes:
1. Written on February 8th, 2017
2. This never actually went on the undex because it was dead by then
3. But it was supposed to go there
I was watching the footballs and every time they kicked the footballs the footballs split into two and soon the whole pitch was covered in footballs and yet still the children kept kicking them and they kept splitting into more and more footballs and slowly I realised they weren’t footballs at all but eggs and the eggs were laying eggs and the children were farming the eggs for their egg businesses all the kids had egg businesses now it was a very competitive field
Final Score: Egg 4-2 Sub Egg
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Notes:
1. Written on June 17th, 2016
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