interviews

Tales From The Town #82: Exit Interviews

Agnes

I’m afraid I don’t know where he’s gone. One day he was here and then he wasn’t here.

Did he leave a forwarding address or any way of contacting him?

He didn’t even leave anything in the fridge!

Anna

So you’re telling me that you knew he was a conman all this time and you did nothing and let him live here for almost a year watching him while he was watching us and didn’t even think to mention it until he’d disappeared again before you even managed to catch him and now you don’t know where he is and he’s probably just doing this all again somewhere else already?

This operation was fully agreed to and signed off by the relevant authorities. If you have any complaints about our methods, Miss, feel free to make them to the Mayor.

But no one even knows who the Mayor is!

The Mayor’s identity has been fully verified and signed off by the relevant authorities. If you have any complaints about these methods, Miss, feel free to make them to the Relevant Authorities directly.

And no one knows who the Relevant Authorities are either! Or where they’re located. Or what they do!

I assure you, Miss, that the Relevant Authorities existence has been fully confirmed by multiple sources a great number of times throughout the history of this town…

Oya

Well at least we’re getting all our stolen money back. But why did he spend a thousand pounds on my credit card just to send me a basilisk? What was the point of that?

We don’t know, exactly, Miss, but we’re looking into it.

That’s… I hope you mean metaphorically.

The Witch

Eyes! Eyes everywhere! Gleaming like jewels in the dark! I saw them! I saw them! Plain as day I saw them! I saw them and I took them! Destroyed them before they could see! Before they could see into my eyes! My eyes! Everywhere! Gleaming like jewels in the dark!

That still doesn’t explain what you were doing in the house in the first place, Ma’am.

The dolls! The dolls! I promised them! I did! I did! A witch keeps her promises! Not that you’d know anything about that, young man!

What you were doing could be considered illegal, Ma’am. If the houseowner –

Ain’t no law says a witch can’t sneak out of the woods and into the house! Ain’t no law says that at all!

Actually, Ma’am, under the terms of The Covenant (1643), it is explicitly a crime for a witch to sneak out of the woods and into someone’s house. If you’ll allow me to read from the Act….

Tina

I can’t believe he was recording us this whole time. Listening in to our private conversations. Watching us at school! Our lives becoming his entertainment! It’s just so… creepy!

Ethel

Surveillance Tape #61’s definitely my favourite. Claire nearly died!

Claire

I don’t care where he’s gone. Good riddance. I hope they never find him! Those rooms are mine now! MINE!

Daniel

I dreamt I was a cassette boy and all my tape came out and got tangled in the wind and it looked a bit like a beard but it wasn’t a beard it was my brain!

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Notes:

1. Written on 31st October, 2022

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Tales From The Town #60: Entrance Interview

It was the eyes that did it. Those eyes.

Agnes couldn’t remember anything he’d actually said during the interview, but after she’d shown him the house, the rooms, the garden, the children, all it took was one look from those eyes, those dreamy blue eyes, and she found herself nodding, agreeing, holding her hand out towards him to confirm that yes, he could move in whenever he was ready.

And so the deal was done. There was no turning back now. The lodger had arrived.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 9th, 2022

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

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from the archives of Essex Terror: Ted Vaaak, and the English language

[Notes: This interview took place in 2013. I cannot remember where.}

***

Ted Vaaak, and the English language

Ted Vaaaak, celebrated horror writer extroadinaire, has taken his career in a wildly eccentric new direction with An Enumerated List Of The English Language, his new non-fiction book where he attempts to list every word in the English language. David N. Guy met up with him to discuss what he’s done.

Q. This book is quite a departure from your usual work. Why did you feel the need to move into the non-fiction and reference book sector?

A. Like everyone, I have often wondered how many words I knew. So I decided to count them. And then list them. After I had collected them all, I ordered them by hand.

Q. Collected them all? Do you mean you wrote them all down?

A. I cut them out of my books.

Q. So should this book really be called An Enumerated List Of The English Language That Is Used In The Works Of Ted Vaaak?

A. Dear god no. It is incredibly vulgar to use your own name in the title of one’s work.

Q. But still surely there are words you have never used in your books?

A. Name one!

Q. Yacht.

A. That’s not English. It’s dutch.

Q. Of course it’s English. Otherwise I wouldn’t know it.

A. If I remember correctly it appears as word #933653 in the book, anyway, so I don’t know what you’re complaining about. And it appears frequently in The Screams. (The protagonist is called Terry Yacht).

Q. Coxswain. That’s not in there.

A. I used the more archaic form, cockswain, both in this list (it is word #99873) and in my short story, The Cockswine.

Q. Cockswine isn’t a word!

A. No, it is a name. The protagonist is called Barry Cockswine.

Q. Mizzen?

A. Will you shut up about boats.

Q. I just refuse to believe that every English word ever has been used in one of your books.

A. Well, some of them were used in my magazine articles.

Q. But still, it’s preposterous. What about new words?

A. What about them?

Q. Like bromance? Surely you haven’t used bromance? Or staycation?

A. I have used both of those quite frequently.

Q. Bloody hell. How could you?

A. They come in very helpful when writing articles for Observer Travel Monthly (all of which are published under the pseudonym Tom Meltzer to preserve my anonymity, so please don’t print this reply).

Q. Okay. Let’s get back to the book. What is a word? Or, I should say, what differentiates a word from another word?

A. The fact that they are different.

Q. But different how? For instance, you have separate entries for right (#786734), rite (#78830), wright (#923432) and write (#923445). Yet they are all said the same. Should therefore you not also have included right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right and right?

A. Don’t be absurd.

Q. What about rite and rite?

A. I don’t really consider those any differently from the first usage.

Q. What about write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write and write?

A. That’s what I do every night! Hahaha!

Q. What about right, right, and right?

A. Didn’t you already do those ones?

Q. They were different ones.

A. Anyway, in answer to your question, I don’t know.

Q. What is your favourite word?

A. I like them all.

Q. Even the really annoying ones?

A. Especially them.

Q. Even crelm?

A. It has served me well.

Q. Are names words?

A. Yes.

Q. No they aren’t.

A. If I said they weren’t you’d just have said they were, wouldn’t you?

Q. No. As if Ted is a word.

A. It means to simultaneously love and loathe. For example, “He lived with his ted wife, Margaret.”

Q. And Vaaak?

A. It is an echoic for the sound a hen makes when throttled.

Q. What use is this book?

A. Use?

Q. Yes, use. Why would someone buy a book containing a contextless list of words? Why wouldn’t they just buy a dictionary?

A. This functions as an index to the dictionary.

Q. The dictionary is already its own index.

A. That’s a terrifying thought.

Q. I don’t understand.

A. It might become self-aware.

Q. What might?

A. The dictionary. Self-reflectivity is the basis of consciousness. Imagine a world where the dictionaries are thinking.

Q. Okay.

A. They are frightened. All these people holding them, peering at them, inspecting their innards constantly for portents and augurs.

Q. Ted, you’re frightening me.

A. And myself

Q. Ted, thank you.

Due to a scheduling change, Ted Vaaaaak’s Screeeech by Ted Vaaak is available now from all good bookshops. There are currently no plans to release An Enumerated List Of The English Language.

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The Interview

“Thank you for coming in to see us today.”

“No, it’s my pleasure. Thank you for taking the time to interview me.”

“Of course, of course. Have a seat, Mr… Guy, is it?”

“Yes, thank you. And just call me David.”

“Well, okay then, David. So, you’d like this job, then?”

“Yes, it’s-”

“Well you can’t have it. Goodbye.”

“But-”

“Goodbye.”

INTERVIEW ENDS

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Notes:

1. Written on December 11th, 2016
2. A recollection of events occurring repeatedly between 2005 and 2018 and presumably beyond

__________

Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!