Tales From The Town #78: In The Woods In The Early Autumn

1. The witch only celebrated palindromic birthdays. 101 was her favourite so far. She didn’t consider the single digit years to truly count. Even the two digit ones seemed a little suspect, but she forgave them simply because otherwise she’d have had none before today.

2. An exodus of dolls at dawn. Crawling, walking, tottering, skittering. Past the cherry tree and the swing and the well and the hollow and the copse and the abandoned boat.

3. Not for the witch a present given. Instead, from her a promise extracted. Cackles of glee, watched by eyes wide in terror.

4. Up above, the crows circled above the hill like vultures. In the trees all around squirrels whispered secrets to each other like sentient social media accounts. And down below, cats patrolled the woods like, well, cats. Anything that moved was pounced upon with the utmost glee. Prisoners subsequently released purely so they could be caught again, tormented some more.

5. On their return, the children couldn’t help but notice the way the doll’s dresses were covered in jam, the way their lips were smeared with icing, crumbs speckling their hair like dirt. No amount of questions would make the dolls admit where it was they had been, nor what it was they had done, why it was their eyes were tinged with so much shame.

6. All they would say was that it was done now. There was no turning back.

7. “What does that even mean?!” Claire said loudly.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 17th and 18th, 2022, and also a little bit extra on October 7th, 2022

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Female Kill Machine 2

Female Kill Machine 2 is the lightning-paced absurdist quantum explosion of ever-escalating cyberpunk insanity and hyperviolence sequel to the lightning-paced absurdist quantum explosion of ever-escalating cyberpunk insanity and hyperviolence original (Female Kill Machine 1).

“Time moves at the speed of thought. So while the short few months since the astonishing culmination of María and María’s last adventure lasted exactly that for the rest of the world, they were the equivalent of millennia in the minds of the two Female Kill Machines. Yet for the remaining decillionaires of this world and beyond, it was like the complete and utter annihilation of Xandy Mandelbrot had only happened mere hours before. And now they wanted their explosive neverending revenge.”

Female Kill Machine 2 is available to buy and read for £0 (or more) at Ko-Fi, Amazon and Patreon right now, and features upwards of 27,000 words of Absurdo astonishments.

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Notes:

1. Female Kill Machine 2 was written between July and September, 2022
2. Female Kill Machine 1 is available here.
3. If you haven’t read that yet.
4. You should because it’s good.

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Thank you!


Tales From The Town #77: The Lodger (Hints Of Failure)

Smiles like breadcrumbs to some secret glade. Silences as evocative as sunken ships. But in the end there was nothing there but smoke.

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Notes:

1. Written on May 12th, 2022

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Tales From The Town #76: Major Complaints

1. Consequential Complaints

Claire looked down at the floor, stamped her feet, and howled.

“This is all the lodger’s fault!”

“Oh come on, Claire,” Agnes said. “How is any of this the lodger’s fault?”

“If it wasn’t for the lodger,” Claire explained. “We wouldn’t even be here!”

“What? He’s at work, Claire? He doesn’t even know where we are?”

“He broke the swing!”

“But I fixed the swing.”

“It’s not the same. What if it breaks again? I don’t trust it.”

“But what’s any of this got to do with you dropping your ice cream?”

“Right in the dog’s muck!”

“Daniel! Don’t rub it in.”

“Because if he hadn’t broken the swing we wouldn’t have come to the park and you wouldn’t have bought us ice creams and I wouldn’t have seen Carolina and she wouldn’t have waved at me and I wouldn’t have waved back and my ice cream wouldn’t have gone flying!”

“Into all the dog’s muck!”

Daniel!

“I hate the lodger so much!”

2. Monetary Complaints

“I can’t believe you spent a thousand pounds on that!

“I didn’t!”

“That’s what the invoice says!”

“But I didn’t buy it!”

“Well someone did, Oya. And it wasn’t me.”

“They must have hacked my credit card. Again.”

“Why would anyone hack your credit card just to spend a thousand pounds on that?

“I don’t know, Anna.”

“And then send it to you?”

“I don’t know!”

“At your own house? Under your own name?”

I don’t know!

“What is it, anyway?”

“I don’t know…”

“Why’s it moving like that?”

I don’t know.

“Do you think it’s… alive?

3. Endless Complaints

“Mum! Claire’s cheating!”
“Mum! Tina’s telling tales on me!”
“Mum! Claire’s telling tales on Tina!”
“Mum! Ethel’s telling tales on me!”
“Mum! Claire’s telling tales on Ethel!”

Of all the Saturdays, it was the Saturdays when it was raining that Agnes hated beyond all the others.

“Mum! Claire’s cheating!”

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Notes:

1. Written on 21st September, 2022
2. The bit about Saturdays is adapted from the lyrics to Fear Of The Unknown And The Blazing Sun by Colin Stetson (and Laurie Anderson)

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Tales From The Town #75: Statues At Noon

They stood like statues on the crest of the hill overlooking the house, stone watchers standing in judgement over all they surveyed. All that moved was their hair in the wind. No one knew where they had come from nor when they would leave. Perhaps only when all our crimes had been confessed would they disappear.

“This,” said Claire, through gritted teeth and clamped closed lips. “Is the worst game ever!”

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Notes:

1. Written on 30th May, 2022

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!