Tales From The Town #163: An Amazing Aggregation Of Articulate Assessment

“Accessary,” Tina said.

“Ooh, let me think,” Daniel said, tapping his chin with his finger as he thought very carefully about his answer. “9.”

Ethel scribbled something down on the book her and Tina were reading and nodded in agreement.

“Accumulation,” Tina said.

“Hmmm,” said Daniel. “8.”

“WRONG!” Claire shouted from across the room. “The actual answer is 13!”

“What actual answer?” Ethel said. “You don’t even know what we’re doing!”

“I do!” Claire said, throwing her hairbrush on the floor and then running over so she could loom authoritatively over the others. “You’re playing “how many letters does this word have“. And the answer is that accumulation has 13. A. C. C. U. M. M. U. L. A. T. I. O. N.”

She counted the letters off with her fingers and then finally also Daniel’s fingers.

“We’re not playing that,” said Daniel, taking his fingers back under his own control again.

“We’ve never even heard of that,” said Ethel.

“And if we were playing that, the answer would be 12,” said Tina. “Accumulation only has one M.”

She showed Claire the relevant article in the dictionary as proof.

“Not when I spell it it doesn’t,” said Claire. “And anyway, that’s still closer than Daniel’s answer. So I still won.”

“But we aren’t playing that,” Tina said again. “So no one won.”

“We aren’t playing anything,” Daniel said. “We’re reviewing. And I gave “accumulation” 8 marks out of 10!”

“You’re reviewing… words?” Claire said.

“Yep!” Daniel said. “Straight from the dictionary!”

“But… ” Claire said. “But… WHY?!”

“Daniel’s looking for a new favourite word,” said Tina.

“He’s totally over abyss,” said Ethel.

“I never want to see an abyss ever again!” said Daniel. “Or smell one.”

“Well how about boring, then?” Claire said. “Or stupid? Cause that’s what this game is!”

“We’re still on A,” Tina explained.

“So those words are (2) absolutely (7) anti (6) appropriate (5)!” Daniel said, holding up the requisite number of fingers as he said each A word.

“Anti is not a word,” Claire said. “It’s a bit of a word.”

“You’re a bit of a word,” said Ethel.

“Yeah, well you’re not even a word at all,” said Claire. “You’re just air!”

“That’s only a 2,” said Daniel.

“If we were playing by my rules it’d be a 3,” said Claire.

“But we’re not playing by your rules,” Tina said.

“Because your rules are annoying,” Ethel said, holding up 6 fingers.

“At least then the answers would mean something,” Claire said. “Instead of being Daniel’s opinion.”

“What’s wrong with Daniel’s opinions?” Tina asked.

“Everything,” Claire said. “And we all know it.”

“Only because we’ve made a list,” Ethel said, pointing to the annotations they’d made in the dictionary. “Otherwise we wouldn’t know what Daniel thinks about… acciaccatura!”

“10!” Daniel said, with alarming alacrity.

“You don’t even know what that word means,” Claire said. “What’s the point of rating a word on how it sounds?”

“It’s really fun to say!” said Daniel. “Acciaccatura! See?”

“You don’t know what it means AND you don’t know how to say it,” Claire said, even though she didn’t know how to say it either. But it definitely wasn’t how Daniel said it, she knew that much.

“Also, ‘an acciaccatura is a very short appoggiatura’,” Ethel read out loud. “So now we all know what it means.”

“11!” Daniel announced with astonished adoration. “I wish I was an appoggiatura!”

“You probably are,” Claire said (apoplectically). “You probably all are!

“Claire, you can’t just end every conversation we have by shouting at us,” Tina said.

“I can,” Claire said. “And I will.” She stood up on tiptoes so she could see over the top of the dictionary and then tried to read it upside down. “Accordionly! So THERE!”

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Notes:

1. Written on May 21, 2024

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The Mysterious Fu Manchu Mysteries – Episode 7: The Letter

The Mysterious Fu Manchu Mysteries (1923) were a series of silent shorts based on the Sax Rohmer-penned novels featuring the mystery man of the show’s title, starring Harry Agar Lyons as Fu Manchu, Joan Clarkson as Karamenah, Fred Paul as Nayland Smith, Humberston Wright as Dr. Petrie, and Julie Sudo as Zarmi.

In this episode, Fu Manchu receives a letter from an admirer…

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Notes:

1. I made this on October 3rd, 2023

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Tale #102: You Don’t Have To Read This, But I Hope You Do

Dear Sir,

I thought it best to contact you by mail, considering the events of this past week. You don’t have to read this, of course – I’m sure you are very busy, after all – but I hope that you do. Perhaps it will do you good to hear an explanation of events from another point of view.

After the events of Friday night – I’m sure I don’t have to explain that in detail – it seems a vital misunderstanding of the importance of our… tryst (shall we say)… has begun to blossom in your mind. Yes, I enjoyed myself very much – as I hope did you – but I thought a man in your position would have understood, as seemed clear to me, that this was simply an enjoyable dalliance rather than the precursor of something, indeed of anything, deeper, or more personally committing.

Now, it is possible this misunderstanding arose from the manner of my departure, which I admit was in haste, and taken without the necessary politenesses which such occasions surely warrant. So please forgive me for my sudden disappearance – although I should say that the hour was exceedingly late by then, and indeed not just you but most of your guests seemed slightly worse for wear by then. Indeed, even in my haste, I did still call out a ‘goodbye’ across the room to you, but it seems that my words did not rouse you suitably from your slumber for you to recognise it as my farewell.

It seems however, that my words did, indirectly, contribute to our misunderstandings this week, as apparently you were awakened enough by them to have subsequently watched my departure through the windows of your room, catching a glimpse of me fleeing through the front gates as if pursued, and I assume this is where your belief that I had been kidnapped, or was somehow being held in servitude, was formed.

In point of fact, I was simply hurrying to catch the final carriage of the evening, for it was a cold, wet, and very long walk home for me if I endeavoured to miss it, and I was very determined not to, not least because of the clothes I was wearing – I had not even brought a coat, nor boots, and the thought of my gown being ruined by a mile or more of walking through puddles and mud made me shiver in an anxiety probably unknown to those such as yourself, who have others to worry about such mundane matters as the washing of clothes.

Now, having laid out the facts of the evening in question, and having made clear that I accept some fault for the misunderstanding that has, evidently, occurred, I would like to turn to your behaviour in the week since.

It is of course very flattering to discover that you enjoyed the evident delights of my company so much that you’ve since been searching the city to find me – or ‘save me’, as you have reportedly been putting it – but that does not give you the right to barge uninvited into my home, insult my mother, accost my sisters, and accuse all and sundry of god knows what crimes and misdemeanours against me (‘an innocent’, as you kindly put it, although innocent of what I do not know).

My mother has been in tears ever since, and is simply inconsolable. To have someone of your power and standing insult her so brazenly, and with so little foundation, was deeply upsetting for a woman of her years (and long-avowed patriotism), and was, I believe, genuinely shocking to her on a spiritual level. If even half the things she alleges you said to her are true, then, well, I too am truly lost for words.

At least, if I am to search for small mercies, with my mother you were merely verbally abusive. Yet in your overzealous attempts to save me from my own family, you inflicted, beyond the spiteful insults towards their appearances, such grievous injuries on my two sisters that I fear it will be months before they can walk again. I have never seen injuries of such severity inflicted outside of a war, and even with months of rest I am not sure they will ever fully heal.

I am truly sorry I was not here when you called, as perhaps all this upset could have been avoided, although, in my darkest hours, I fear that in fact it would have been much worse. As it was, I happened to be working when you arrived – which is what you no doubt consider my servitude, but to the rest of us is known simply as employment. Now, not only do I have to continue to support myself and my mother on my meagre earnings, but my two crippled sisters, too.

So it seems, even if after all this I somehow decided to consent to attend another one of your parties, there is much less chance of me being able to find the time to attend. I suppose I should consider that at least an amusing irony of the whole affair, and one which presumably would have made me laugh if not for the horror and harm inflicted upon those I love in service of it.

Thank you for the return of my shoe. Please do not call at my house again.

Kind Regards

Cindi

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Notes:

1. Written on October 13th, 2019
2. I wrote another Cinderella tale before
3. Almost a hundred tales ago now
4. This was performed at the Liars’ League, in February 2021
5. Read beautifully by Martine McMenemy

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July Correspondence

Dear Governess,

I am writing to you as requested. I hope this letter re-assures you that I am not neglecting my studies while we vacation here in the sun.

My mother instructs me to extend her good wishes to you. She hopes the house is not too lonely without us, and that Charles is behaving himself.

I believe the dogs are missing you. Caspar sits by the piano in the drawing room and wails each evening, while Hauser will not eat his breakfast until I sing one of your hymns to him, which certainly brings forth amused looks from the other patrons in the dining room, if not from mother.

Father is enjoying himself. He has befriended a local captain and the two of them spend hours on his boat. Father says they are planning a voyage to one of the islands on the horizon, but I think it is more likely they are going to be making their way round the bays to procure wine and cigars from the market by the port.

The two little ones take delight each day in picnicking on the hotel lawn. The other guests enjoy watching them pour each other tea from their dainty little pots, and the sandwiches the kitchen staff make for them are so enchanting, being cut not into rectangles or squares, but five point stars and crescent moons. Mother worries there is a religious motif here, but I re-assure her that there is nothing to worry about.

Grandmother died. We shall being staying on for the rest of the summer, as originally planned, but her body should arrive with you by Friday. If you have any trouble I am sure Charles will know what to do.

Regards

Alice

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Notes:

1. Written on August 6th, 2019

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Support An Accumulation Of Things

If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!