Topic: The Lodger And How Awful He Is And What We Know He’s Done So Far
Attendees: Claire, Ethel, Tina, Daniel, a doll, some dogs
Location: The Hollow On The Hill
Evidence To Be Presented: (verbal admissions only)
Ambience: Grasshoppers, contrails
Claire: …and he filled the freezer up with bread and I hate him. (pause) That’s the end of my evidence against the lodger. Oh and he broke the swing, remember?
Tina: That was ages ago.
Ethel: And he apologised.
Claire: What’s that got to do with anything? It’s still a crime. So who’s next? Daniel?
Daniel: He’s been trying to steal my dreams.
Ethel: What?
Tina: How?
Daniel: I dreamt he was asleep and dreaming he was me and when I asked him to stop he said no.
Claire: That doesn’t even make any sense.
Ethel: It does.
Claire: It doesn’t. Which makes it even worse. (pause) Good evidence Daniel.
Tina: I think he stole my poetry book.
Claire: No one stole your poetry book. It was exactly where I said it would be! In that drawer in your bedroom that you forgot to look in before for some reason!
Tina: Well, maybe he put it back there. Anyway, I still think he stole it. He definitely looked at it.
Claire: That’s not evidence. That’s supposition.
Tina: Well it’s better than insinuation.
Claire: It’s not!
Ethel: So why do you think the lodger stole your poetry book, Tina?
Tina: He quoted one of my poems back to me.
Claire: What does that prove?
Tina: My poems are a secret!
Claire: That’s stupid. Secret poems might as well not even exist.
Tina: Well now they exist and I don’t like it.
Claire: I hope Ethel’s evidence is better than that!
Ethel: It is! (pause) Wait, I mean, it’s exactly as compelling as that, Tina.
Tina: Thank you!
Ethel: So anyway… the lodger has been spying on Anna and Oya!
Tina: What? That’s awful!
Ethel: I know! And even worse, he’s been passing off Anna’s opinions as his own!
Claire: How’s that worse?
Ethel: They’re her thoughts, Claire! Not his! It’s plagiarism.
Tina: Plagiarism of the mind.
Claire: Maybe she’s passing off his opinions as HERS!
Ethel: She wouldn’t!
Claire: She would!
Ethel: Whose side are you on Claire? I thought you hated the lodger! I bet he’s never even read a book! Anna’s read loads of them!
Claire: I do hate him. But that doesn’t mean I should just believe anything you say about him. This is a court of law!
Ethel: Why can’t you agree with anyone, Claire? Just once. Please.
Claire: Because I’m right and you’re wrong! (pause) Although actually this time I do agree with you, Ethel. Because no one would pretend to have opinions as awful as his. Not even stupid old Anna!
Ethel: Stop being mean to Anna, Claire!
Claire: No! This is all her fault. If she hadn’t fallen in love with Oya and made Oya move out of her room and into Anna’s room then Mum wouldn’t have needed a new lodger and then the new lodger wouldn’t have moved in to the new rooms and the new rooms would still be empty and I could have moved into one of them instead and had it all to myself instead of having to sleep in the same room as all of you!
(silence)
Tina: What are we arguing about again?
Claire: EVERYTHING!
The court was adjourned until the afternoon.
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Notes:
1. Written on 22nd May, 2022
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