Game
“So have you kids ever played conkers before?” Antoine asked, opening a creaky old drawer in the most obscure corner of the kitchen.
“Conkers,” said Claire. “Is the worst game ever.”
She didn’t even emphasise any particular word in that sentence, which showed just how strongly she felt on the subject.
“Yeah,” said Ethel next to her, agreeing somewhat suspiciously with her sister for the very first time ever. “It really is.”
“Oh,” said Antoine, looking down into the drawer he’d just opened. “I thought you might like it now you’re a bit older.”
“Well we don’t,” said Claire.
“At all,” said Ethel.
“In fact, we probably hate it now more than ever.”
“Yeah!”
“If anyone ever asked us to play conkers again we’d never speak to them.”
“Ever again.”
“Not ever.”
“At all.”
“No matter what!”
“Well okay then,” Antoine said, slowly closing the drawer he’d just opened without ever actually removing anything from the drawer at all. Almost like he’d changed his mind about something. “So, er, what do you want to do this afternoon then?”
“We could get chips?” Claire suggested, slyly.
“Yeah, we haven’t had chips in ages…” Ethel said, looking somewhat wistful.
Set
“Phew, that was close,” said Claire.
“Too close,” said Ethel.
“What was close?” said Daniel, peering out from his den beneath the kitchen table, headphones round his neck. “Where’s Dad?”
“Dad’s gone to the chip shop,” said Ethel.
“He nearly made us play stupid conkers again,” said Claire.
“With what?” Daniel asked, looking around the clearly conkerless kitchen. “You can’t play conkers without conkers! And I don’t see any conkers!”
“With that horrible shrivelled up old conker he keeps in that creepy drawer over there,” said Claire.
“What creepy drawer?”
“His creepy conker drawer over there,” said Claire, pointing vaguely in the direction of the strangely eerie corner of the kitchen no one ever used or stood in or even tried hiding in if they were bored enough to play hide and seek.
“I didn’t even know he had a conker drawer.”
“Where else would he keep his stupid unbeatable conker?” Claire said.
Daniel shrugged.
“This one, Daniel,” said Ethel, giving the drawer a heavy push just to make sure it was definitely 100% fully closed. “The one where he keeps all his old shoelaces.”
“Which he only keeps for conkers!” said Daniel, nodding his head. “That makes so much sense. So where is Dad anyway?”
“He’s gone downstairs to get some chips,” said Ethel.
“I tricked him into it,” said Claire proudly.
“We both tricked him into it,” Ethel said.
“But mostly I tricked him into it,”” said Claire. “Ethel was totally unnecessary for the plan.”
“I was not!”
“You were!” Claire said. “And anyway, I formulated the plan.”
“Ohh, you formulated the plan!” Ethel said, already starting to regret teaming up with Claire. “You are such an idiot, Claire!”
“I am not!”
“And stop saying I like that! It’s so annoying!”
“No,” said Claire. “And anyway, we don’t have to play conkers now. So stop complaining.”
“Awww,” said Daniel. “I like conkers.”
“Yeah, I like conkers too,” Ethel said.
“Because conkers is BONKERS!”
“But it was either conkers or chips,” said Claire. “And I know which one I prefer.”
“Urgh!” said Ethel, already fully regretting teaming up with Claire.
“And chips are BLIPS!”
“Shut up Daniel!”
Match
“How did conkers go?” Tina asked, as she emerged from the shadows in the hall and joined her dad on the very short trip downstairs to the chip shop.
“I’m, er, still undefeated,” Antoine said. “Five years in a row now, I think.”
“Did Claire trick you into buying her chips again?”
“I wouldn’t say tricked…”
“But Mum said we weren’t allowed chips today, Dad.”
“I know, I know,” Antoine said. “But Claire even had Ethel on her side this time. Which was slightly disconcerting.”
“Poor Dad,” said Tina. “But Mum still won’t be happy with you if she finds out…” Then she looked up at him, her face a picture of absolutely astonishing innocence. “So, anyway, you know the bookshop next to the chip shop? There’s this book in there I’ve wanted for ages…””
________
Notes:
1. Written on Saturday 11th and Sunday 12th of October, 2025
2. A sort of semi sequel to last years Facts About Conkers episode
3. And a bit of a pointless ramble too.
4. But I quite like pointless rambles.
5. They feel strangely autumnal.