Tales From The Town #130: The Rudest Word In The Entire World (Part 1)

“This game is rubbish!” Claire said, kicking the board up in the air and scattering toy cars everywhere. “It’s complete CRAP!”

Claire!” Tina and Ethel exclaimed. “You can’t say that!”

“I can!” Claire said. “And I did!”

“But it’s…. it’s rude!

Really rude!”

“I don’t care!” Claire said. “And you shouldn’t either!”

“But we do!”

“What if Daniel hears!”

“You know how upset he gets about rude words!”

“And rude people!”

“And rudeness in general.”

“Well, maybe Daniel should just shut up!” Claire said.

Daniel came running into the room, arms outstretched, pretending to be an aeroplane. Then he flew back out of the room and up the stairs to play with the dolls, who didn’t swear at all, not even when talking about the witch.

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Notes:

1. Written on July 28th, 2023

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Tales From The Town #129: And the apples are all dead at the bottom of their trees

Apples rotting beneath the trees. Teardrop jewelled spider’s webs on the washing line. And in the distance ships lost in the fog out at sea.

Autumn was here, and not even Claire declaring that there’s no such thing as ghost ships could spoil Agnes’s mood.

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Notes:

1. Written on July 27th and August 26th, 2023

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Tales From The Town #128: The Diving Pool Incident

Frozen in place at the end of the board, too scared to jump, too embarrassed to turn back.

In years to come it would feel like this moment encompassed two thirds of Tina’s childhood rather than approximately forty five seconds one Saturday afternoon when she was eight.

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Notes:

1. Written on July 7th, 2023

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

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Tales From The Town #127: Projection

It was the greatest story ever told. Love, death, heroism, villainy, selflessness, satisfaction. Even a joke now and then, and some dancing too. Everything was up there on the screen, depths and layers you could stare into and see whatever it was you wanted to, needed to, hoped to, dared to, like a magic mirror, or a wishing pool, or an old album full of photos redolent of things greater than were ever really true at the time.

The projector caught fire half an hour in and no one ever saw the end.

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Notes:

1. Written on July 5th, 2023

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Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!


Tales From The Town #126: The Circus (An Ethel A To Z)

A Day Out – The others said it was cheating to use this for A but I don’t care what they say.

Big Wheel – It went round and around until we got on and then it stopped. Everyone blamed Claire except Claire, who blamed everyone except Claire.

Candy Floss – Mum said we wouldn’t like this and she was right!

Dagger Throwing – We are NEVER allowed to do this at home.

Eggs (Pickled) – “It’s not a picnic without pickled eggs” says Mum (and no one else).

Fortune Teller – Apparently Tina’s going to get married! To a boy!

Gargantuan – What an amazing word. “The circus was gargantuan!”

Horror (House Of) – Daniel had a nose bleed in here.

Idiots (AKA Clowns) – They grow their faces in jars. Maybe they should keep them there.

Jugglers – Mum hates jugglers but will never tell us why. She wouldn’t let them teach us anything. We weren’t even allowed to watch.

King – Tina said he wasn’t the real King but then why was he wearing a crown?

Lady Luck – She told us we’d win but we didn’t win a thing (except for Daniel but he was cheating). Never trust Lady Luck!

Mirrors (Hall Of) – This made Claire absolutely furious!

Night – It was day when we went in, but night when we came out. I said this was magical and Mum agreed but then Claire said it was just the passing of time and she stamped in a puddle to prove it. (I still thought it was magical!)

Oracle – Apparently Tina’s going to get married! To a different boy!

Pennies – I found four and Tina found three but Claire and Daniel found EIGHT! But then I found a pound so who won really? (Claire and Daniel did it was a draw).

Queen – Tina said she wasn’t the real Queen but then why was she drinking all that tea?

Robots – Supposedly these aren’t “traditional”. But they were the best bit!

Selkie – Basically a mermaid. It’s a good thing Dad wasn’t here or he’d have gone all weird again.

Taffy – Mum said we wouldn’t like this and she was wrong!

Unicyclists – (see Jugglers)

Vampire – Mum said he wasn’t a vampire he was the ringmaster but he was definitely a vampire you could tell it was obvious.

Water – £5

Xtremely Unfunny – We didn’t laugh once (not even Daniel).

Y – Good question!

Zebras – There were some horses and that was as close as we ever got to a Z.

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Notes:

1. Written between the 11th and the 14th of July, 2023

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If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon or my ko-fi.

Patreon subscribers get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.

(Ko-fi contributors probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more).

Thank you!