Q. What exactly is a Vexigram again?
A. It’s an imaginary word, written on a piece of card. Nothing more, nothing less.
Q. Imaginary how?
A. I made it up.
Q. But why?
A. It is what I do.
Q. What is the purpose of this service?
A. There is no purpose to this service beyond a need to exasperate you all, and also an excess of cards and envelopes currently in my possession.
Q. What guarantees can you provide concerning the quality of the words this service provides?
A. All these words will be as close to suggesting meaning as it is possible to do so without actually containing any meaning at all (except that which you supply yourself). They shall also hopefully be spelled entirely correctly, though as they are imaginary who can ever say whether that’s the case or not.
Q. What language do the words come in?
A. From just beyond the fringes of my own vocabulary, wherever that may be.
Q. What if I want a word that actually exists and already means something perfectly useful?
A. In that case I think you’ll be better off getting yourself a Lexigram.
Q. Will the words be offensive and/or slightly unsettling in some way?
A. No. Yes. Perhaps. Maybe.
Q. How will I be able to tell that I have purchased a genuine Vexigram and not a Lexigram by mistake?
A. It is impossible. Unless you consult a dictionary and/or the recesses of your own mind.
Q. Will I own the word once I have received it?
A. Yes. It will be yours forever, until such a time as you use it in conversation or writing and someone else mistakenly sees in it enough meaning to use themselves at some later time.
Q. What will I actually be able to do with this word?
A. Nothing at all. I neither condone nor encourage their use.
Q. Will the word come with any explanation of its meaning or possible usage in a sentence?
Q. Will it also come with any guarantee that it is definitely an imaginary word and not just some cheap copy of an already existent one by a charlatan peddling real words as imaginary for profit and or mischief?
Q. Will you just re-use the same word over and over again to save on costs?
A. No. That would make no sense at all.
Q. What if I like the word?
A. You won’t. Vexigrams are supposed to be disliked by all.
Q. I might!
A. In which case I will apologise and also feel bad for quite some time at such an egregious mistake.
Q. How long will it take for my word to arrive?
A. All words are sent directly from England, so the nearer you are to there, the shorter it’ll be. Within a week and not as long as a month, I hope.
Q. What happens if my word does not arrive?
A. We shall celebrate its loss together. Also I’ll send you another one.
Q. £3? For an imaginary word?
A. £3, for an imaginary word.
Q. I couldn’t even make up my own word for that!
A. And even if you could, you wouldn’t receive it through the post (unless you wrote it down and sent it to yourself for some reason).
Q. It’s still too little! I want to pay increasingly huge sums of money for them for some reason!
A. That is very kind of you, but unfortunately I cannot accept your generosity.
Q. You can and you will.
A. Well, okay then. But only if you insist.
Q. Can I imagine my own words?
A. Yes, but please be careful.
Q. Can I imagine words for other people I know?
A. It is not advised.
Q. What is the minimum letter content of your words?
A. More than four.
Q. Why don’t you use shorter and/or shortest words?
A. They are all already taken.
Q. Can I buy more than one word?
A. You can buy as many words as you want (up to and including the full extent of the boundaries of my creativity as it is and as I understand it).
Q. Is there a discount for buying multiple words?
Q. Why not?
A. I wish to discourage the possibility of a usable language emerging unexpectedly from the pointlessness of this endeavour.
Q. How many words do you think you can make up anyway?
A. Four. No, wait, five. Yeah, five.
Q. That doesn’t sound many
A. It is more than you could ever know.
Q. What if I hate words?
A. Then you are perfect for this.
Q. Is this some sort of satire about a satire about NFTs that you denied was a satire about NFTs in the first place?
A. Vexigrams are a joke about so many things it is impossible to name them all.
Q. Will you be using any of the forbidden phonemes?
A. Only if you decide to enunciate them.
Q. What exactly are the forbidden phonemes anyway?
A. Those beyond the distinction of my own ears, the perception of my own mind, and the abilities of my own tongue.
Q. You’re really missing out. Those are my favourite ones!
A. There is so much in this world that I shall never be permitted to know. Yet never shall I lament its existence.