Q. What exactly is a Lexigram again?
A. It’s a word, written on a piece of card. Nothing more, nothing less.
Q. What is the purpose of this service?
A. There is no purpose to this service beyond a simple love of words, and also an excess of cards and envelopes currently in my possession.
Q. What guarantees can you provide concerning the quality of the words this service provides?
A. All these words will simply be nice to write and read and say and use (if possible). They shall also hopefully be spelled entirely correctly, though that is more of a promise than a guarantee at this stage.
Q. What language do the words come in?
A. English, unfortunately, though you are free to adapt them into any other as you see fit.
Q. Will the words be offensive and/or slightly unsettling in some way?
A. No. All words shall have unsettlingness values of ten or below (suitable for all ages).
Q. Is unsettlingness even a word?
A. If you understood its meaning, yes. Otherwise, possibly. If you are playing scrabble, almost certainly not, although please consult an acceptable dictionary for your region and or play level for final confirmation.
Q. How will I be able to tell that I have purchased a genuine Lexigram and not a replica or counterfeit from some sort of unofficial clone service totally unauthorised by the Lexigram initiative?
A. Each Lexigram will be uniquely numbered to ensure full verification with the official Lexigram database of issued words, on request, should you or anyone else be so inclined to ensure its provenance.
Q. Will I own the word once I have received it?
A. Yes. It will be yours forever, until such a time as you give it away or lose it or sell it or feel too embarrassed to admit you actually paid £3 for a word and throw it away in a moment of shame.
Q. What will I actually be able to do with this word?
A. Anything at all. I will not stop you.
Q. Will the word come with any explanation of its meaning or possible usage in a sentence or even any guarantee that it is actually a real word and not just some fabrication by a charlatan peddling unreal words for profit and or mischief?
Q. What if I want a word that doesn’t exist?
A. You’ll have to go elsewhere. Lexigram itself provides no service so sordid.
Q. Will you just re-use the same word over and over again to save on costs?
A. No. All words shall be utterly unique.
Q. What if I hate the word?
A. You won’t.
Q. I might!
A. In which case I will apologise and also feel bad for quite some time.
Q. How long will it take for my word to arrive?
A. All words are sent directly from England, so the further you are from there, the longer it’ll be. But no more than a month I hope.
Q. What happens if my word does not arrive?
A. We shall lament its loss together. Also I’ll send you another one.
Q. How will I receive the word?
A. The word shall be presented to you, via the postal service traditions of your country and/or region, on a piece of card, written via the use of a pen, in an ink of my choosing (black only).
Q. What sort of card and or/ink will you be using?
A. Card stock and ink may vary due to circumstance, though the size shall always be strictly smaller than that of the envelope it arrives in (envelope sizes may also vary).
Q. Will I be able to read your handwriting?
A. I don’t know. I hope so.
Q. Why don’t you just print the word in a nice font that looks nice and is legible?
A. Have you ever owned a printer? That is why.
Q. £3? For a word?
A. £3, for a word.
Q. I could buy a dictionary for less than that!
A. Yes, but you wouldn’t receive it through the post (unless you bought it from your online retailer of choice).
Q. It’s still too much!
A. It is exactly enough (after posting and packaging).
Q. Lexigram? More like lexicon!
A. Shut up.
Q. Are you associated with any of the other companies, products or services called lexigram?
A. No. Please do not tell them I exist.
Q. Can I choose my own word?
Q. Can I choose somebody else’s word?
Q. What is the minimum letter content of your words?
A. 3 or higher.
Q. Why don’t you use shorter and/or shortest words?
A. I hate them all.
Q. Can I buy more than one word?
A. You can buy as many words as you want (up to and including the full extent of the english language as it is and as I understand it).
Q. Is there a discount for buying multiple words?
Q. Why not?
A. I wish to discourage the possibility of sentences or any other accidentally emergent systems.
Q. How many words do you know, anyway?
Q. That doesn’t sound many
A. Yet almost certainly enough
Q. Why do all your example words start with an ‘a’?
A. I am trying to avoid spoilers about the beauty still to come.
Q. What if I hate words?
A. I cannot help you there.
Q. I could just do this all myself!
Q. Is this some sort of satire about NFTs?
A. I hope not.
Q. But it is a joke, right?
A. There is nothing funny about any of this. It is an endeavour of utmost sincerity.
Q. Will you be using any of the forbidden words?
A. Absolutely not.
Q. What exactly are the forbidden words anyway?
A. This interview is over.