{"id":3130,"date":"2020-09-10T18:56:11","date_gmt":"2020-09-10T18:56:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/?p=3130"},"modified":"2020-10-07T20:38:00","modified_gmt":"2020-10-07T20:38:00","slug":"gifts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/2020\/09\/10\/gifts\/","title":{"rendered":"Gifts"},"content":{"rendered":"
\nThat market stall was there again. The one that sells broken junk from other dimensions. <\/p>\n

Sometimes in<\/em> other dimensions too, 4 or 5 or 7 or 9 of them, extending out in all these directions beyond what we could see, beyond what were even directions really, but something else, something beyond our understanding, so there\u2019s no hard edges, nothing you can hold on to, no possibility of containment, so your hand passes clean through after you\u2019ve paid. <\/p>\n

And the shopkeeper laughs as you realise you\u2019ve just wasted your money on something that might as well be a hologram, or a ghost, or a memory, a thought.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s only then they offer you the use of their spacial manipulator, so you can get it home, and of course there\u2019s a fee for that, a large fee, a very large fee, an astronomical fucking fee. But you pay it anyway. You have to. You don\u2019t want to, but you have to. You don\u2019t want to think you\u2019ve wasted your money on some shit you can\u2019t even take home.<\/p>\n

So now of course I\u2019ve got a whole shelf of things like that at home, shimmering and undulating and ululating and shivering, pulsing and trembling as the aspects of their intersections with our limited world shift and move as they through the universes they inhabit, utterly unconcerned with ours.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re never the same. Not even for a second. From my limited understanding of the mathematics involved, it\u2019d be impossible for them to ever be the same again. No rotational symmetries. Not even the usual 1. None.<\/p>\n

So sometimes they\u2019re beautiful, so beautiful they make you want to cry. Other times they\u2019re so alien there\u2019s no comprehension of them at all in your mind. Visual noise that hurts to look like. <\/p>\n

Somehow pictures never capture them at all. As if they don\u2019t even interact with light, not how we understand it, anyway. <\/p>\n

Although, in that case, how our eyes catch these glimpses of them, I do not know.<\/p>\n

But they didn\u2019t have anything like that today. Everything was three dimensional and solid and safe. <\/p>\n

That\u2019s not to say there was nothing interesting amongst their wares, just that there wasn\u2019t anything so immediately, obviously, horrifyingly, enticingly , irresistibly wrong, either. At least on first glance.<\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t seen you here before?\u201d they said, with a questioning look. <\/p>\n

They say this every time I come in. I think they\u2019re trying to undermine my confidence. Not that it needs much undermining. <\/p>\n

But I\u2019m used to it now. And I am distinctly unmemorable. It\u2019s the same everywhere I go. \u201cAnd your name, sir?\u201d After a while it barely even feels insulting.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d I said, pointing to the inert half of a strangulated pulsometer. It\u2019s always good to ask a question you know the answer to first. Sometimes they lie. Sometimes everybody lies. At least this way you can calibrate their honesty.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the inert half of a strangulated pulsometer,\u201d they informed me, correctly. \u201cNot a very interesting piece on its own. If you\u2019ve got a throbbing crystalline heart, it\u2019s probably worth the price, but otherwise\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

They shrugged extravagantly, in the theatrical style.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy heart\u2019s throbless, unfortunately,\u201d I said. \u201cAnd diffuse in structure.\u201d<\/p>\n

I moved my attentions to the other pieces on display, picking up a jar filled with some sort of mimification jelly and pulling faces at it to test its responsiveness. It could cope with smiles and laughter, but turned my screams and scowls into giggles and blushes. It was very cute.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow much for this?\u201d I asked. <\/p>\n

\u201cThe Caricreature?\u201d they said. \u201cIt\u2019s quite expensive. Very expensive. Very expensive indeed.\u201d<\/p>\n

They laughed expansively, in the evil style.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh that\u2019s a shame,\u201d I said. \u201cSo how about that?\u201d<\/p>\n

I pointed at something entirely at random. It looked like a polyp. A polyp from some strange realm, obviously, not a polyp from ours. Totally different styles and textures. <\/p>\n

But it looked like a polyp all the same. I assumed it was some sort of seed, from which something terrible and confusing might sprout or spurt or seep.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not for sale,\u201d they said. \u201cThat\u2019s lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n

They picked it up and bit it in half. Chocolate oozed out from inside, mingling with the blood from the raw flesh of its shell.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want to try,\u201d they asked. \u201cHighly addictive. Like a Tunnock\u2019s Teacake.\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook my head, and picked up the mimicking thing again. <\/p>\n

\u201cSo, how much was this again?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c33.3333333333333333333333333333%.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c33.3333333333333333333333333333% of what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c33.3333333333333333333333333333% of your soul,\u201d they laughed, in the ominous style. Well, in the ominous and evil style. And the theatrical.<\/p>\n

To be fair, there\u2019s probably no other way to laugh when discussing the purchasing of souls.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, that\u2019s not too bad,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure I can afford that.\u201d<\/p>\n

I chuckled to myself, as I transferred that tiny sliver of a sliver of a remnant of my heart to their eager paw. The good thing about percentage pricing is that things get cheaper every time. <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd, actually, I don\u2019t mind spending a little extra today anyway,\u201d I explained. \u201cIt\u2019s a gift.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA gift!?\u201d they shouted, suddenly startled. \u201cIs that really appropriate?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEr, yes?\u201d I said. \u201cI mean, I haven\u2019t even told you who it\u2019s for yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the principle of the matter,\u201d they said. \u201cHaven\u2019t you seen Gremlins?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d I said. \u201cAnyway that\u2019s just a film. It\u2019s not real. It\u2019s just a film. A film!\u201d<\/p>\n

They did not agree. They tried to take the jar back, but it was too late. I\u2019d already paid.\n<\/p><\/div>\n

\nThat market stall was there again. The one that sells broken junk from other dimensions. <\/p>\n

Sometimes in<\/em> other dimensions too, 2 or 1 or 3\/4s or 0 of them, contracting down in ways that made no sense, limited this way or that, or occluded by our reality completely, in ways difficult to understand, so there\u2019s no depth, or width, no possibility of escape from the constraints of their limits, no possibility of life, of synthesis and fusion. <\/p>\n

And the shopkeeper sympathises with you as you realise you\u2019ve just wasted your money on something that\u2019s as inert as and useless as some semi-solid lump of xenon.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s only then they offer you the use of their hologrammatic projector, so you can expand their appearance into enough dimensions to perceive, and of course there\u2019s a fee for that, a small fee, a tiny fee, an infinitesimal fee. You don\u2019t mind paying it, not really, you just wonder why it wasn\u2019t included in the original price, why they rang it up separately like this.<\/p>\n

So now of course I\u2019ve got a drawer full of things like that at home, three dimensional projections of these zero dimensional shapes, sitting as still and dead and pathetic as they can, existing, if they can even be said to be existing, in their own limited dimensions, utterly uncomprehending ours.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re always the same. They never interact with anything. From my limited understanding of the physics involved, it\u2019d be impossible for them to ever interact with anything. Simplified chemistries, based upon a periodic table without periods.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re never beautiful. They\u2019re never repulsive. They\u2019re just this constant unending blandness of conformity. It\u2019s painful to look at, sometimes. Like a generic supermarket food brand made flesh.<\/p>\n

A simple picture captures everything about them. You don\u2019t need to see the real thing. What\u2019s the point? They have no substance of their own.<\/p>\n

Although, in that case, how I ever managed to carry them home, I do not know..<\/p>\n

But they didn\u2019t have anything like that today. Everything was three dimensional and solid and real. <\/p>\n

That\u2019s not to say there was nothing uninteresting amongst their wares, just that there wasn\u2019t anything so obviously, depressingly, dispiritingly, abjectly, all-encompassingly bland, either. At least on first glance.<\/p>\n

\u201cNice to see you again,\u201d they said, with a welcoming look.<\/p>\n

They say this every time I come in. I think they\u2019re trying to bolster my confidence. God knows it needs it sometimes.. <\/p>\n

But it\u2019s lost its effectiveness now. Compliments wither through use. It\u2019s the same everywhere I go. \u201cIt\u2019s so nice to see you.\u201d After a while you don\u2019t even hear it.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d I said, pointing to\u2026 something. It\u2019s always good to ask a question you don\u2019t know the answer to first. Sometimes they don\u2019t know what they\u2019re talking about. At least this way you can assess their knowledge.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the irregularlly fissioning half of a strangulated pulsometer,\u201d they informed me. \u201cNot a very interesting piece on its own. If you\u2019ve got a desiccated liver, it\u2019s probably worth the price, but otherwise, you know, not so much\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

They shrugged extravagantly, in the theatrical style.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy liver\u2019s wet, unfortunately,\u201d I said. \u201cAnd filled with blood.\u201d<\/p>\n

I moved my attentions to the other pieces on display, picking up a jar filled with some sort of mimification jelly and pulling faces at it to test its responsiveness. It could cope with screams and insults, but turned my laughter and smiles into endless haunting despair. It was distressing.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow much for this?\u201d I asked. <\/p>\n

\u201cThe Caricreature?\u201d they said. \u201cIt\u2019s quite cheap. Very cheap. Very cheap indeed.\u201d<\/p>\n

They laughed expansively, in the evil style.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh that\u2019s a shame,\u201d I said. \u201cSo, how about that?\u201d<\/p>\n

I pointed at the one thing I couldn\u2019t take my eyes off. It looked like a polyp. A polyp from our dimension, rather than a polyp from some strange dimension.<\/p>\n

It looked out of place among the marvels of their wares. I had no idea what it was for. Maybe they\u2019d had it removed during some recent medical procedure.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not for sale,\u201d they said. \u201cThat\u2019s tea.\u201d<\/p>\n

They picked it up and bit it in third. Blood oozed out from inside, mingling with the chocolate from the crumbling, delicacy of its shell.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want the rest,\u201d they asked. \u201cDisappointing. Like Turkish Delight.\u201d<\/p>\n

I shook my head, and picked up the mimicking thing again. <\/p>\n

\u201cSo, how much was this again?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c33.3333333333333333333333333333%.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c33.3333333333333333333333333333% of what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c33.3333333333333333333333333333% of your soul,\u201d they whispered, in the ominous style. Well, in the evil and ominous style. And the terrifying.<\/p>\n

To be fair, there\u2019s probably no other way to whisper when discussing the selling of souls.<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, that\u2019s higher than I\u2019d have liked,\u201d I said. \u201cBut I can just about afford it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I moaned to myself, as I transferred that great wedge of my heart to their trembling hand. The trouble about percentage pricing is that it seems cheap at first. But it isn\u2019t long before it\u2019s not. <\/p>\n

\u201cAnd, you know, I don\u2019t have any choice but to spend big today,\u201d I explained. \u201cIt\u2019s a gift.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA gift!?\u201d they laughed, suddenly amused. \u201cYou\u2019ll regret it!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEr, what?\u201d I said. \u201cI mean, I haven\u2019t even told you who it\u2019s for yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s the heart of the matter,\u201d they said. \u201cHaven\u2019t you seen Gremlins?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cOh, god. Is that a warning? Are you warning me? What is this thing?\u201d<\/p>\n

They would not say. I tried to hand the jar back, but it was too late. I\u2019d already paid.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n

_________<\/p>\n

Notes:<\/p>\n

1. Written in early August, 2020<\/em>
\n2. This was surprisingly annoying to format correctly<\/em>
\n3. Mostly because the formatting here is slightly different from the format in my word processor<\/em>
\n4. And also even know it’s still probably unreadable if you’re on mobile<\/em>
\n5. Or your browser screen is slightly less wide or slightly more wide than mine.<\/em>
\n6. So, er, maybe it’ll just be easier if you read it as a pdf<\/em>
\n7. Words I’d never thought I’d say there.<\/em>
\n8. But such is the horror of modern life, etc<\/em>
\n9. So here’s a link to it as a pdf: Gifts (pdf)<\/a><\/em>
\n10. Now let us never speak of this again.<\/em><\/p>\n__________<\/br>

Support An Accumulation Of Things<\/a><\/h3>If you like the things you've read here please consider subscribing to my patreon<\/a> or my ko-fi<\/a>. <\/br><\/br>Patreon subscribers<\/a> get not just early access to content and also the occasional gift, but also my eternal gratitude. Which I'm not sure is very useful, but is certainly very real.<\/br><\/br>(Ko-fi contributors<\/a> probably only get the gratitude I'm afraid, but please get in touch if you want more). <\/br><\/br>Thank you!<\/i><\/br><\/br>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

That market stall was there again. The one that sells broken junk from other dimensions. Sometimes in other dimensions too, 4 or 5 or 7 or 9 of them, extending out in all these directions beyond what we could see, beyond what were even directions really, but something else, something beyond our understanding, so there\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[36],"tags":[1011,1008,1007,1009,995,1010,181,162,1012,1013],"class_list":["post-3130","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-a-short-story-or-two","tag-dimensions","tag-duality","tag-gifts","tag-gremlins","tag-nonsense","tag-objects","tag-science-fiction","tag-short-stories","tag-tunnocks-tea-cakes","tag-turkish-delight"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3130","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3130"}],"version-history":[{"count":25,"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3130\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3168,"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3130\/revisions\/3168"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3130"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3130"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/accumulationofthings.com\/things\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3130"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}